seitan looks like human baby meat.
huh?
no,
that's real.
i start with a fat cup of wheat gluten,
to which i add a quarter cup of tapioca to mitigate the squeak;
and i use a third of a cup of garbanzo flour to fiber it up, and bulk it out;
i beat it up with black pepper, because that stuff is dope;
i activate those jammers with g.p.o.p., obvi, since that's mandatory vegan flav',
and rules is rules,
but,
after three quarters of a cup of bouillon-heavy broth,
with a few glugs of tamari, and a dripdrop of liquid smoke,
when it's all kneaded, and the juices are creating the protein powerhouse
that we all know and love?
.....it's butchered baby.
and that's not literal,
but it's still no joke.
from flours to dough,
from dough to the soak,
we're good,
it's like sh!tty bread-
but once it's boiling,
that essential babyflesh factor shines right through the broth.
check it:
boom.
yuck.
it IS called wheatmeat by some,
they just never say specifically that it looks a whole lot like
a chubby nine-month-old homo sapiens thigh slice.
ahhhhhhhhhh.
maybe glutes on gluten has been right there in front of our faces this whole time,
but i never noticed it until my mean-spirited lack-of-sleep werewolfen self
took a second look.
hmmmm.
it does look cool boiling away, regardless.
one way to avoid this scenario is to buy it, instead of making it,
but i'm pretty sure that's lazy, and not as delicious,
and that's a combination i will not tolerate in the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress.
i've got to have the homemade hottness,
because it's got that custom blend, neighbors.
i get too damned psyched on the minutiae of improvisational improvements,
and therefore,
i need to get busy with it.....
***********
speaking of mean spirited-
tax season means tattoos.
am i right?!
wooohooooo!!!!
y'all gettin' that return?
you know you love that that FREE money-
SIKE.
you do know it's money that you actually earned, but had withheld?
collected, invested, interest-garnered, and returned in a smaller increment...
whatever,
that math talk is so lame,
especially when you've gotta get those tattzaps.
no way should anybody use that loot to improve their situation.
that's be sillypants dumb-dumb jauns.
take that freebie, and get some sick ink, kid-
why?
because that's what poor people DO.
hahahahah.
take it easy,
everybody does it.
it's just that the cheapie-cheap peeps get TERRIBLE ideas,
once a year, there's a monthlong melee,
a no-appointment walk-in skimarking sh!t-salad smear
of all-out ball-out 'hood rich b!tchbaggery,
....earned-income-credit permitting, of course.
also,
if you're getting back more than you made?
i guess i'm buying you that tattoo,
by six degrees of gainfully-employed separation.
awwwww.
you could at least get a cooler idea.
no?
oh.
okay.
i'll be using those movie checks to PAY my bill to my uncle samuel,
y'feel me?
so keep 'em coming until you burn through that xbox/big-screen/KFC/mountain dew money.
ha.
not everybody does it wrong, however.
and on the very rare occasion when one of my homeboys is around,
i might even draw up a little rough somethin'-somethin' beforehand.
(which is otherwise NOT a thing)
am i tattooing a big dragon today?
yeah.
what?
no,
it's just the rough draft.
jeez.
take it easy.
i'll be zippin' that zapper after a tasty breakfast with my good buddy todd.
he's a good dude,
so he gets the exxxtra-good treatment.
i'm like that, kids.
not all of y'all are the same amount of valuable,
and i pro-rate the pregame accordingly.
yup.
that's a little behind-the-scenes glimpse into how being elite works.
can you tell the difference?
sometimes it's two inches of juggalo,
other times, it's a foot of dragon.
if those both seem the same to you,
i s'pose i'll be seeing you soon,
i'll know it's you, because you'll be standing around in a too-big sweatshirt,
posing as a busy weekend walk-in,
reppin' a turdpile of true-life baby-name movie check big ideas.
i can't hardly wait until saturday.
hahaha.
it's all really happening,
i'm just too sleepy to be anything but cranky about it all;
never quiet, never soft.....
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