megalodontics.

the problem with trans-species emulation?
physical challenges.
what?
hold on, i'm getting there.
okay, so...
y'know how a great white shark
will have license plates and shoes and sh!t in it's stomach?
it's because it chomps on all kinds of F*ed-up treats.
but,
after it munches up a whole volkswagen or whatever,
it stops chomping away,
and goes and takes a lap to swim it off a bit.
once it's full, i'm sayin'.
once it's full, it takes a breather.
so,
being a non-shark,
and supposedly being in possession of free will,
and to a lesser degree, good sense,
i'm faced with a whole separate series of issues
when i get down on some super-shark gluttony.
physical challenges, y'all.
i can't fit a license plate in my bellyhole.
but,
that didn't stop me from trying last night.
for real.
jim and i had a man-date in portland.
the green elephant was not ready.
neither were my insides.
there may actually be a whole fork
and maybe even a cloth napkin
sloshin' around in there today.
shark-gluttony, my ninjas.
more like megalodon-gluttony.
i was full after the multiple-meals-worth
mountain of appetizer-type treats.
i could've stopped.
i could've got my main meal to go.
i could've and i probl'y should've.
instead, duders, i chose the wrench.
(and then, i put some sauce on it and ate that b!tch, too)
jim had the good sense to save some room.
he knew what was happening-
which, of course, really just meant that i
had to destroy a couple trays of treats all by myself.
i mean, we ordered 'em,
and i couldn't just box up the leftovers, right?
right.
feeding frenzy, kids; not my fault.
that's berserker-type sh!t.
the one concession to physical limitations we made?
we got dessert to go.
chocolate pie with cocoa-frosted orange slices, my ninjas.
oh yes, there will be fudge.
it could've hung out in the fridge until today, yeah?
what kind of weak-sauce is that logic?
you already know as soon as we reached the fortress,
out came the mutha-flippin' forks.'
seriously,
the pounds of vegan vittles in my middle
did some kind of permanent damage.
something is loose and rattling around in there.
i'm pretty sure that's bad for you.
in retrospect,
i think i was getting exacting some vengeance.
on the parking situation during rush hour in the city.
30+ minutes circling like a barbarian buzzard?
unacceptable.
therefore, i obviously had to eat even more,
just to make up for the lameness.
and i did.
vainglorious victorious vegan victuals.
we do-doo that freaky sh!t.
***********
i also mineral oiled my woodsly kitchen counter-top.
after only a mere short six months of contemplating it.
it was so easy, i almost felt foolish for procrastinating.
almost.
what can i say?
i was feeling flushed with fresh spring flavor.
so much so, i bought a banjo.
wait.
what?
yeah, i totally did.
it just seemed like the right course of action in the moment.
of course,
just a few of those moments later,
i stumbled upon the banjolele.
that's a banjo/ukelele combo.
dang.
an extra second of resonsible adult contemplation,
and i could have purchased an even more irritating instrument.
ah well,
there's always today.
i've heard it's THE day.
you'd better believe it.
see what happens without my superior spousely lady?
banjos and broken bellies-
horrible noises from without and within;
never quiet, never soft.....