hey there, muffin.

nuthin' muffins!

that's right.
muffins.
and nuthin'.
at the same time.
the secret ingredient is what makes them so special...
so what's in 'em?
take a wild guess:
blueberries?
choclolate chips?
bran?
cranberries?
raisins?
nope.
none of the above.
the correct answer is:
nuthin'.
they're nuthin' muffins.
c'mon.
brought to you by the lack of toastable bread in house,
AND the delicate palates of my darling daughterly dumplings.
uh-huh.
i did go rogue from their initial request,
and hit off a coconut/oatmeal/maple/cinnamon streusel on top.
i mean,
what am i?
a no-baking no-talent turdblaster?
no way, duders.
i'm a kitchen-crunching oven-crushing,
berserker barbarian bakeshop battle-beast,
and i brought the tastebud-tempting treats to bear today.
wordimus prime, ninjas.
i doo-doo that a.m. apron-string hottness.
***********
it's the last day of my daughters' visit.
the last day of woodsly, goodsly, Folk Life freshness
with the whole family.
that's such a hard style, neighbors.
there's only one small consolation i can countenance
to get through the disastrous disappointment
of their impending absence.
just one little event that can cancel a trek to the middle marches
of middling, mediocre massachussetts.
one thing, and one thing only, y'all....
broccoli bread, b!tchbags!!!!
the first loaf for the last day.
all the way to eleven, and then some.
tradition dictates that the rolled up and roasted,
baked and toasted florets of flavorful fury
are only created and devastated during visits from the
first daughters of the presidential mountain range.
they haven't been up for months, duders,
and that means my righteous and excitatious
double-b count is reaching dangerously low levels.
well, at least, it was;
the dough is kneaded and proofing slowly in the fridge.
when i get in from my long and unlovely day of tatzapping,
it's stalk chopping, onion sauteeing, nootch blasting terror
for the countertops and braised blops of the Fortress.
real talk, ninjas.
i'm sayin',
what else could we do to ring in a new year,
and bid farewell to my favorite young women on earth?
right.
*
tonight's the night,
today's the day.
i am grateful for this time i have been given,
and for the people i span it alongside.
eleven, the year, the level, the loud, fresh, hardness-
for your face;
never quiet, never soft.....