Monday, September 3


pee eye zee zee ayy!!!!!
pizza is tight.
homemade pizza is tighter.
homemade pizza with very little fancy pansty prep is the tightest.
that's what's up around here these days, duders.
check it:

here's all you need to know-
i had a night to myself, so i made myself something expert.
and yes, the dough proofed outside and inside the refrigerator alllllll damned day-
because good dough is essential to good pizza,
and better processes create better experiences.
besides, homemade tastes better anyway.
my dough game is getting to heroic-level hottness these days.
and it's S-I-M-P-L-E as you can get it-
im your stand upright mixer, with the dough hook in place,
knead together:
2 cups a.p. flour;
1/2 tsp vital wheat gluten;
2 tsp salt;
2 tsp sugar;
3/4 cup warm water, w/ 1 pkg regular-A* yeast bloomed in it.
beat it up for ten minutes, and let it bulk up, for another ten, covered in plastic-
once it begins to rise, refriggerate it al day, and get home to a puffy pile of pure sexxxiness.
preheat your oven to 480℉ on convection, for that good circulatory fire for your face, ace.
wordimus prime.
my pizza?
it's got shredded spinach on the bottom of that square-stretched olive-oiled dough-
and caramelized onions, too one whole slow-sugar-activated large vidalia onion's worth.
and then daiya mozzarella, minced for maxxximum meltability-
i'll say it for the umpteenth time- spend an exxxtra second chopping you chee' kids.
you will thank me later.
then, a whole LOT of sauce.
crushed tomatoes are soooooo delicious. and MORE of 'em isn't ever the wrong call.
i browned up some commercially-created faux bacon brick-hued non-meat flaps,
chopped into mincey squares,
and added those- they were salty, and weird, but they did their jobn,
and added a smoky sweet element to the overall outcome.
i give 'em a B, b.
i had that semi-softened steamed broccoli poppin' off, too.
i mean, i really like broccoli, bruh, and a fresh bouquet of florets
is welcome at my pizza party anytime.
there's half a bunch of asparagus, seared up and quartered, as well.
green stuff is good for you.
don't be a little baby-b!tchbag and wimp out on all those nutrients, y'nerds.
seriously, though. eat your green things, they're important.
and then, naturally, there are fried garlic sprankles.
rules is rules.
finished with radicchio ribbons after baking?
you're a champion.
if i had my way, i'd have pizza every day.
but, only if i wouldn't turn into a fatty-boombattie.
i can't have that on my waistline, man.
i'm already weird enough lookin', i don't need to blarp out, as well.
i pick my spots, kids.
pizza once or twice a week is all i can handle.
i mean, i'm NOT getting younger, and i'm not getting prettier, so i can at least
not get worse FASTER, right?
that'll do;
never quiet, never soft.....

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