y'all know about the albatross?
y'all know about the ancient mariner?
y'all know anything about that?
no?
well, it's been some time since anybody needed to know about those things-
least of all on dry land in the mountains away from the seas.
but, still, if you DO know about the bad luck that comes from killing an albatross,
or from keeping a shark-bullet battle-beast,
then you know that my pain-in-the-neck is kind of a real thing.
crabtree is not literally an albatross.
however, he's the anchor weighing my days down,
and the bad luck curse of my optimism come to pass.
huh?
no.
that's real.
he's just a dog.
and he's more than that.
he's my constant companion, but he's not a good one.
he's the persistent nuisance that demands my time be split and divided
and the distraction that offers less solace than stress.
but, he's just a little dog.
and a willful, needy, greedy, recalcitrant, obstinate, deaf and dumb dumdum.
honestly,
i came into the care of this young milkyboi under the impression that
there would be help.
believe me, the bitter reflection of how that mirrors the rest of my life
is NOT lost on me at all.
i'm shattered by the limitless amount of attention he wants,
and his complete inability to amuse himself with any activity
that isn't suicidal,
or destructive to his innards or my property.
and that's with literal hours of time spent invested in this little monster.
sure, he's sweet, sorta.
but i'm soured on the lack of adaptability and the total absence of resilience
in this incorrigible animal.
and every minute he needs from me is a minute i miss with everybody else.
and don't think there's not a counter keeping tabs on every one of those minutes, man.
there's actually a couple of tallies running concurrent.
i'm keeping track, and each minute is one off of my life.
i'm serious.
the stress of split-up worlds tears me up every day.
and i'm sure this whiny baby of a dog
is so used to his routine of incarceration and repeat offenses
that he wouldn't know what to do with a full day of my undivided attention.
-
....and he's not good enough to pawn off on someone else.
i mean, he's terrible at being around other dogs.
he gets bitten for his bad manners,
and while he isn't aggressive, he's annoying enough to elicit viciousness
in every other animal......and he NEVER learns from it.
plus he's half deaf.
that's a problem, bull terriers listen half the time.
removing half his hearing gives him half of THAT.
essentially, you're leashing a cannonball and hanging on for the ride.
and moreover, i don't want the burden, but it's mine to bear.
otherwise i'm one of those abandoners.
and if you can do it to a dog, you can for sure do it to people.
and i don't want to be the one to do that sort of sh!t him or them.
he's not a person.
he's not an asset.
he's not even a comfort.
in point of fact, crabtree is a handsome dog with a challenging personality,
and little regard for much beyond his own hunger and limitless energy.
the main differences between he and i?
i'm not handsome and i barely have any energy anymore.
-
at least he causes problems with all my relationships, too.
-
i was prepared to put him to sleep.
euthanize him.
pay to have him killed, really.
he was SO hurt, and SO pathetic, and SO out-of-sorts, i assumed the worst.
and the worst thing about me?
i knew that'd free up MONTHS worth of time every year.
overnights in alton?
no prob.
vacations? not only not a problem, but available with no notice.
mornings and evenings without running around forever and ever
and rushing home to let this little lemming poop, pee, ea, and run through the house.
happily, he's MORE than fine.
unhappily, i'm still tethered to this preexisting condition.
i hate that i love him.
i hate that i hate him.
i love that he's ok,
but i'm sad for my time and for the people who want more out of me.
huh?
sorry, vegans and pet maniacs....
i am more likely to skip thanksgiving
because i might actually puke from looking at a turkey carcass
than i am to fake a spiritual connection to this little man.
he's cared for, and we walk for miles and miles, and he sleeps IN the bed
at the expense of my own rest
(the whining and freaking out and general cruelty of having a dog who is crated
during the day AND night is more than my conscience can bear)
-
so,
i have a dog and it F*ing sucks,
but getting rid of him will generate enough self-loathing to ruin whatever
obligation-free travelling i could then manage.
luckily,
that causes that heavyweight megatonnage of strained human interconnectedness
to also crush me alive every minute of every day.
basically,
it's all the worst.
cool?
totally;
neverquietneversoft.....
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