THANKSGIVING

thanksgiving is THE vegan holiday.
what?
no.
f'real.
think about it, man.
most people are busy eating all the dead things,
in huge quantities,
and that's weird as hell to me and all the other delicate and sensitive animal lovers.
but,
the point of the holiday may be gratitude and generosity and abundance,
for sure,
but the focus is the food and having piles of it.
it's the food holiday.
maybe back in the olden days it was about getting a little corn instead of starving,
but these days it's just about unbuttoning those pants and fitting more food into
your distended bellyhole.
-
i'll grant you, nothing is more annoying than a vegan at a non-vegan event.
they're worse than a religious aunt, even.
hell, even among vegans,
there are snobbish levels to some imaginary hierarchy.
really, nobody wants them around,
or, if they do,
they need them to shut up and just be cool.
i feel that.
i mean,
do you really think your red state uncle is gonna be converted to tincture of moon oil
or whatever the eff your chakra cleansing crystal weirdie sh!t is supposed to do?
c'mon.
i very simply think eating animals is F*ing horrifyingly disgusting,
and i can't keep my guts in place about it.
that IS annoying.
and whatever i'm stocking up in terms of karma,
i'm missing out on in terms of family.
of course, being there is probably worse for them,
since for me it's like volunteering to watch cannibal mutant zombies
eat decomposing flesh-
i wish my wild brain was calmer, but it is what it is.
-
ask any kid what the meaning of a holiday is,
and unless they've been brainwashed, the honest answer is the right one.
halloween is candy.
christmas is presents.
thanksgiving is food.
moreover, all the family togetherness is all based solely on the shared love
of specific foods.
auntie's pie, papa's stuffing, mom's potatoes...
yeah, you get it.
but when you're vegan, especially at first,
you gotta answer all the lame questions from your uncle-
so what do you eat? what about protein? how do you live? fish is meat???
and the teasing: should go i mow the lawn so you don't starve?
and the incomprehension: 'just pick the meat out.'
'there's just a little butter.'
'...but cheese isn't animals.'
and at first, you're excited to be the good news bearer-
you tell all those people about all the suffering they can stop,
and all the cruelty they can keep away from,
and all the bacteria and fecal matter and hormones and antibiotics,
and all the health complications and links to disease,
and all the planetary strains of deforestation and waste management
and pollution and climate change....
and suddenly, you're a bummer.
in fact, you're a real problem.
nobody wants to feel judged.
not me, not you, nobody.
but heaven forbid you're actually nauseated,
because then you're just being problematic and overdramatic.
as we all know:
vegans should be tolerant of others' choices.
it shouldn't matter what you feel as long as you don't make anyone else feel badly.
and if YOU feel badly, vegan?....
well you're less important, numerically, so shut up already.
you're ruining everybody else's good time.
so just have a bad time for our sake and keep quiet about it
y'know, like every other day.
well,
FUUUUUUUUUUU'HUUUUUUUUUUUCK THAT.
i don't feel okay.
i don't feel comfortable.
i don't feel like i'm being honest at all by pretending
that a day that's based on celebrating dead sh!t to the extent that it's nickname
is TURKEY DAY is some sh!t that i'm on board with, at all.
it's too much for me.
i'm not making anybody do anything.
i'm not even suggesting that i should be in charge of anybody but myself.
and as the boss of my own old self,
i'm not okay being okay with it.
on any normal day, everybody does what they're gonna do,
and i'm right there trying not to throw up or be awful.
but on 'turkey day'?
no.
i feel such a burden on holidays.
and honestly, it makes me sad to see little bits of bird in a beautiful person's face.
it makes me genuinely ill to see them in an ugly person's face.
and i've lived a life where i haven't had to for my entire adulthood.
that's no joke.
but,
somehow,
i have made intricate, excellent, elaborate, savory, sexxxy, succulent,
celebratory sumptuous radical plant-based vegan food
defiantly rejecting the notion that traditions can't be improved.
my family wasn't with it- so i did it on my own.
all alone the first year,
and then with vegans and pretend vegans and non-vegans with open-minds and palates,
with my kids, with my friends.
and every year for twenty-something years,
i've been an overdoin'-it, grandstanding, showboating,
one-upping big-timer about all the incredible things
that show i'm grateful for life and for being alive and for celebrating life.
and not one time did i have to huff a bread-filled bird corpse,
or a pink pig's buttcheek,
or any of the other stuff tradition dictates is necessary.
-
i'm right there on most holidays while whomever is eating whatever.
and when we go out to eat, nobody brings it up, and neither do i.
but THANKSGIVING is the day i'm the proudest of my decision not to eat meat.
no exaggeration.
full stop.
*
that said,
i still feel awful about the actual day,
and the people who (possibly?) want me around.
is it another case of preachy vegan troublemakers ruining everything?
i don't think so.
i'm not showing up to ruin anything.
i'm abstaining for just that reason.
i wonder is conscientious objectors were considered to be ruining the vietnam war?
i'm not sorry i feel how i feel,
but i am sorry for what that means for me and mine.
i miss all the people who've been part of thanksgiving in the woodsly goodness.
um, nope.
...wait.
that's untrue.
there's a few that can stuff seasoned bread up their own butts about it.
ha.
but i haven't been around most of those folks for quite a few years.
i want to feel gratitude for Folk Life & Liberty,
and instead i just feel alone.
that's what you get, when you be like i be.
it's a hard style, and maybe not worth it,
but that's just what it is;
never satisfied, never happy.....