EDITS

i apologize to anybody looking for evidence.
i've recently had to modify this blog to remove traces of
specific folks.
i'm not happy about it,
and once they're gone, those memories will never be preserved.
i've kept this as a sort of external recollection repository for so long now.
yet here i am with the holiday coming up,
and yet another dissolution of relations,
rewriting history for the sake of nothing.
i promised to respect the wishes of a parent,
in order for them to retain a tight control of the reins of the narrative
of their children's lives.
it hurts.
a lot.
and it removes all the images and all the good feelings
and all the positivity and hope that i held onto up until now.
hmmm?
yes.
this might be a little too facebook of a post.
i'm sincerely sorry to make a note of it,
but this is where i keep the true stories i tell,
and removing them is really really hard for me.
i didn't mean to overshare, but like i mentioned,
this is where i've kept my diary for so long,
i want to be able to go back and remember that there was something
in the blank spaces that've been left.
in fact,
i guess now is as good a time as any to decide some things-
i believe i will be done with this blog as the new year arrives.
who knows?
maybe i'll start something more specific and food centric,
with none of the dramatic narrative of this old man alone in the woods.
removing posts is sort of the sign that i've sold out.
i've sold out my integrity as a storyteller,
and i really feel bad about myself for doing so.
but rules is rules,
and there's no way to get better without the hurtful process of change and upheaval.
i'm unhappy.
i'm hurt.
i'm angry.
there's resentment simmering just below the surface,
and my eyes have moisture in the corners that's surely salty and threatening to drip out.
i really hate november,
and maybe i might also hate myself a little, too.
nqns