Tuesday, September 5


those custom signature oatmeal coconut vanilla panniecakes?
y'know the ones?
those ones.
where i make 'em into cute little shapes,
and pour a whole mess of real maple syrup on top?
the ones with doubled butter in the batter,
so they're already ready to rock and roll fresh out of the bowl?
the ones that caramelize just a little in the skillet?
that's what i want, dudes.

why shapes?
because shapes are more expert than blarps.
why hearts?
because i looooooove pannies, stoopid.
jeez. i though that was obvious.
as many times as i've told you about these jauns,
i think it always bears repeating,
with whatever minor adjustments get made each time.
here's this iteration, approximately, for your faces:
in a medium mixing bowl, sift together:
3/4 cup a.p. flour;
1/4 cup freshly-milled coarse-ground unsweetened unsulphured coconut;
1/4 cup freshly-milled ground oatmeal flour;
1/2 tsp salt;
1 tsp bakey powder;
1 tsp bakey soda.
3+ heaping T of non-dairy buttery goodness, (or 2 T coconut oil) melted;
1 1/2 tsp vanilla;
2 T vegan (tofutti) sour cream;
scant 1 cup non-dairy milk;
2 tsp lemon juice;
stir it, and rest it while you get everything else ready for that big B, bro.
if you don't know how to griddle up a pancake,
you'd better be five years old or younger.
in which case, you're in trouble, because this isn't something you're supposed to be reading.
go play outside, little nasty.
my tofu scrambo game is SO tight right now.
this one had a tablespoon each of sweet onion, red bell,
and poblano pepper crinkles sauteed in it.
plus hemp hearts, which is just what you do now, if you're doing it now.
AND nootch and GPOP and turmeric and a dash of smoked paprika, too.
all sizzled on medium high heat,until it gets just a lil bit crisp on the corners.
with cilantro and red onion sprankles, too.
that's how you doo-doo that freaky sh!t.
well, yes,
actually, rules IS rules...
and yes, those are blackened baby tomatoes all over that jaun.
i mean, i'm not some sort of half-A* hole, neighbors.
i'm ON it.
french breakfast radishes taste like black pepper had sex with dirt,
and had kind of a sh!tty kid.
pickled, they're amazing, raw, they're interesting and pretty to look at,
but positively misrepresented in the taste department.
i ate 'em anyway, but they weren't want i wanted, just what i committed to.
i stay until the thing is done.
it's basically just kind of how i am.
oven roasted skin-on red potato homeboyfries?
awesome every time.
that's two cubed taters, slowly risen up to 400℉ straight off the preheat jump,
in olive oil and GPOP and pink salt and black peps.
when the oven hits it's mark, they're pretty much cooked-
from there, it's red onion and butter and smoked paprika
and high heat until they're a baby bit burnt,
which is to say, correctly prepared.
homeboys and homegirls, these homefries are NOT to be taken lightly.
and with scallion spranks on top?
they go to eleven.
i'm not proud of it,
when you're exposing folks to vegan food,
who've previously only experienced a limited exposure to plant-based alternatives,
it sometimes helps to have a familiar point of reference to begin with.
carboard brick-hued accidentally overcooked bacon rectangles are one way to do that.
gummy stuck-together patty-boombattie fatty soysage circles are another.
and those breakfast links?
they'll serve.
being vegan is dope.
i know it, you might know it (if you're cool, anyway),
but not everyone has been exposed to enough of it.
once you realize that you're a better version of yourself
whenever you make better choices about what you put inside yourself,
and about what and how those decisions echo out into the universe.
sure, you can be low-key selfish and indifferent,
but if you're smart enough to recognize that?
then you're probably a bag of sh!t, brother,
because if you're not out here just trying hard, paying attention, and knowing stuff
then you're not being dope,
and the only other alternative is to F* right off.
rules, man.
they're there for a reason.
safeguards to preserve the power of worthy warrior poetry in motion.
that's real.
i know,
i should've just made all that high-protein meat-replacement sh!t myself.
thing is,
the possibility for change can temporarily outweigh the high-falutin'
condescending inaccessibility of a completely handcrafted interface
with the dietary world at large.
that's right.
sometimes starting at the bottom is the best place to start.
a solid foundation builds a stronger structure.
that's word;
never quiet, never soft.....

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