Thursday, September 7


do you even get down with year-ohs?!
oh, c'mon.
if you get it, then you get down.
if not,
and you're wondering wtf is poppin',
then now is the time when you will rise to your feet,
wipe tzatzik' from your face,
wipe the juice from your eyes......
that's two, then.
moving on...
souvlaki-style seitan and tofu and chickpeas,
with all the freshest briney pickled fix-ups,
wrapped in homemade hand-tossed pitas.
a.k.a. GYROS.
a.k.a. YEAR-OHS.
a.k.a. i like they, i make they, i PICO they.
now you've got it, you get me,
and you've gotta get with it-
check the teleport:

c'mon duders.
that's that good-good from my neck of the woodsly goods.
y'wanna make pitas like your boy?
do this:
in a smallish mixing bowl, sift together:
1 1/4 cups flour;
1/2 tsp salt;
1 tsp black pepper;
1 tsp baking powder;
1 tsp baking soda;
2 T vegan spur cream/plain unsweetened non-dairy yogurt;
2+ T melted earth balance butterless betterness;
1/3 cup warm water.
knead it all together, rest it for five, divide it into 6ths,
and rest it again, for 5 more, in that sextet of baby balls.
roll em out with enough flour to get 'em thin without sticking,
and fry 'em up in a barely buttered piping hot skillet for a minute a side.
these jauns will get you amped up for the ensuing feast.
if they don't reassess your suppositions, bro.
you've made an error somewhere, because this sh!t is SIKE-UP CITY!!!
what's up with the homemade seitan and exxxtra-firm tofu?
it's sauteed in a few tablespoons of olive oil with onions
and sweet and hot peppers for a spell,
then seasoned up with greek oregano, lemon juice, thyme, turmeric,
cumin, parsley, smoked paprika, cayenne, salt and pepper,
a scoop of plain unsweetened cashew yogurt, and a 1/2 cup of chick peas
completes the look....and it's a good look.
now, the next question is:
how do you take something spicy and nicey-nice like that,
and turn it up even louder, like, all the way to eleven?
that's easy.
you freak it off with ALL the pickled pips and pops, neighbors.
we got shredded pepperoncinis;
we got dill cuke discs;
we got the quikmixpix redux, too.
cider vinegar, salt and sugar,
brought to a boil with a burly batch of mixed veggies within.
like what kind of veg?
sharp onion;
and both orange and purple carrots;
radishes (french breakfast joinks);
garlic!!!! (so dope);
and fresh jalapeno hunks.
a good quikmixpix will put you in the right mood right away.
that's real.
is that IT??
no way.
too much is the right amount, man.
there's shredded onion!
brownish-purple heirloom baby sweetyhearted tomatoes!
torn apart baby spinach!
parsley sprankles!!
and homemade TZATZIKI, you little sh!ts.
F*ing right.

in a regular-A* bowl, stir together:

3 T finely-minced cucumber;
1 T lemon juice;
1/4 cup plain unsweetened cashew yogurt;
1/4 tsp dried dill;
2 smallish smashed cloves of fresh garlic;
a baby-shake of GPOP;
and LOVE, bro.
because if you don't love your sauce,
you're liable to get lost in it.
be wary, and be loving.
it's good for you.
and THAT'S how you freak off some GYROS, homies.
a little squirt of fresh lemon and you're in heaven.
real talk.
i don;t eff with busted food,
only the sexxxiness.
you are what you eat, reportedly,
i'm doing my damnedest to get on board with that.
i was recently asked if i ever make anything that isn't dope AF.
the simple short answer is: yes.
but, never on purpose.
and never twice in a row.
when you're freestyling and freewheeling,
and cartwheeling your ingredients into a hot spot,
out of the frying pan, into the fuego, or the food processor,
there're bound to be some detours and derailings along the way.
the whole point of stunt men is to perform the obviously dangerous derring-doo-doo,
as they're trained for it.
i'm a stunt-ridin' dirty-ridin' rough-ridin' waverider in this kitchen,
and while i'm well-versed and well-rehearsed on competent creation,
the best planned stunts are still subject to circumstance.
sometimes, my treats are beat, and my dinners aren't winners,
that's just it-
overwhelmingly, the sweet overrules the bitter,
and there's something sort of refreshing about failures sometimes.
i know it trips the breaker on routine for me, anyway,
and gets me revved up in a spiteful fight
against the commonplace race to suppertime
that i'm occasionally guilty of getting stuck in.
try your hardest all the time,
then try a little harder.
that's what's up.
i don't want anything that isn't delicious,
and i don't want any ugly food either.
i'm sour and ugly enough already,
i don't need exxxtra added from the inside, too;
never quiet, never soft.....

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