Wednesday, October 11


did you know that apple pie is my favorite one?
well that's true; it is.
and did you also know that i've been messing around with my 
pastry dough recipes for the last few months? 
well, that's also true; i have.
and i learned one important thing:
too much is the right amount.
turns out, that's just about the best way to make better piecrust-
with MORE butterish, MORE creamchee', MORE sugar...
that's how you take your crispy jauns to eleven and beyond, broski.
i love apple pie, and i especially love 'apple...AND' pie.
y'feel me?
like, apple, and some other other 'nother stuff, too.
that's yum4tum y'bum....
the new-new tasty one, freshly formed for our faces,
is an apple and raspberry and blackberry exxxtravaganza,
and it's expert AF.
i can't believe what an effortless transaction this turned out to be!
it was smooth sailing from the first to the last.
and it's good.
like, really stoopid good.
you want some, don't you?
you do?!
because i'm gonna tell you how to make it anyway:
PASTRY v4.0!
in a mixin' bowl, cut together:
10 T fresh from the fridge vegan buttery spread 
(earth balance is pretty much the good sh!t, FYI);
5 T vegan creamchee' also cold as heck
(tofutti will do you a right, neighbors);
4 T raw sugar 
(the demerara big'uns are great for this);
2 tsp vanilla;
2 1/4 cups white flour;
when all that has been chopped and integrated,
add very cold non-dairy milk, 1 T @ a time,
until the whole sticky mass holds together when squeezed.
that's literally all there is to it...
i didn't even rest it, really.
just rolled it out on a very well floured surface,
popped it into, and pressed it to fit in a deep fluted tart pan,
and filled it up.
the filling was as straightforward as they come:
3 huge apples, peeled cored, and minced 
(i used my weird salsa-maker gadget to chop 'em).
1 T ground ginger;
2 tsp cinnamon;
3 T agave;
1/4 cup raw sugar;
1 T lemon juice;
1 tsp vanilla;
2 T organic non-GMO cornstarch.
cooked down to get the juices flowing,
and heated up to get the starch to thicken it quickly.
i also spread it out on a baking tray to cool much much faster.
i hardly have time to do anything after 8 am,
so i needed to get it in the oven, so my day could really get underway without
pies lurking in my periphery.
the filling is tight.
the berries?
well, the berries are key here.
a package of blacks and a package of razzers,
a few accent cutouts, and some copious sugar sprankles,
and you've got yourself something to freak out about, for sure.
i'm telling you, kids:
berries and apples are best friends.
i think that's real, probably.
i can assure you these berries were destined to elevate my already expert apple magic
to the level of superior sorcerer supreme!
22 minutes in the oven, at 415℉, convection-style,
had the whole thing ready to represent autumn to it's highest levels.
i LOVE it when a treat comes out exxxtra sexxxy.
it's a great feeling, seeing all that good-lookin' golden greatness,
and knowing you did that all by yourself.
i'm not bragging, but i AM proud, man.
take it easy.
i am very grateful that my clients understand me.
for a little while,
in the other place,
i just very simply wasn't my best self.
now, wait a little minute there, buddy-
i never half-assed my work,
the accompanying conversation was not as illuminated 
as the stuff it seems i can conjure up off the cuff 
when the environment is more conducive to turbo-hottness from the future an' that.
oh, c'mon.
you've never been in a bad situation; 
beset, beseiged, and surrounded by underappreciation and a lack of interactive participation,
and felt it drain away the dopeness faster than you could produce, process, and emanate it?
y'all are either very lucky, or very lazy, if you're being honest.
for the rest of us,
it's not easy to be a cheerful cheer-up charlie-boy when you're not where you wanna be.
these days,
in the sanctified great hall of AMPERSAND TATTOO,
the vibes are TILTY AF,
and the air in there is supercharged with positivity, creativity, objectivity 
and the fresh scents alternately of the numerous site-specific autumnal candles,
and pizza from next door.
it's a good scene.
it's a good time.
it's all really happening,
and it sure does seem like our clients catch the contagiously optimistic spirit of the place
almost immediately.
it doesn't hurt that the attitude we project is an immersive and inclusive 
all-star ensemble-cast cabaret-style extrovert extravaganza, too.
i mean,
and i'd like to think that these strong people are coming back for the strong language 
as much as they're also scheduled for more strong imagery.
real tattoos for real people.
that's what's up in october;
never quiet, never soft.....

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