nineteenhundred.

holy sh!t, neighbors-
one thousand nine hundred times.
in a row, even.
i've poured out, scrawled across, and torn open the truths
of really real life documentarianism,
to expose the unbelievably urbane explanations of What Is.
ugh.
and how often has it ever been any good, anyway?
well, F* that, y'all.
i won't turn my journalism yellow,
just my prose purple,
but i will always assure you-
no matter how fancy i explain the bitter and the sweet,
it's all really actually happening.
***********
duders,
sometimes, it's important to make too much stuff!
for example,
we made mexicocoa-loco cinnamon-spiced double chocolate chip
coconut-laced cinnamelted chocolate drizzled crunchie-sprankle topped
ever-lovin' mother-flippin' rock bloxxx.
yuuuuuuuuuuup.
because cupcakes alone, no matter how many, no matter how fancy,
are not enough to go all the way to eleven.
real talk.
check the wax paper assembly line teleport:

word.
so many ingredients.
or,
just the right amount of ingredients.
depending on whether or not you're an A*-hole.
*
me and my girls took a day trip to portland, yesterday.
which meant way too much food at the green elephant,
and collecting all kinds of relevant baking ingredients
from the various white people grocery stores available to all those city-dwelling
tolerant coexist-bumper-stickered art-nerds and pretentious localvores.
haha.
we took advantage of their privileges, my ninjas.
and now we've got new hottness to bake up today, too, for our efforts.
and then it snowed all over us, in a windy, wet slurry of sh!t.
snow falling off of the roof makes dumb deep noise,
and whipping wind makes shrill trills from whirring branches-
which in turn meant that olive the dog kept me up all mutha-b!tching night.
no jokes,
i repped a three hour nap in the middle of the darkest part.
and that was it.
i'm just sayin'-
vegan or not, there is gonna be some drastic violence of action on the menu
for this four-legged F*ing idiot if she can't calm down
in the face of winter-appropriate weather.
stormswept snappish animal natures will collide, if allowed to.
i'm on nearly zero sleep for a few weeks now.
and truth be told, i'm feeling more than a little testy.
don't think i'm gonna let her sleep today, either.
turnabout is fair play when it comes to behavioral battles with dumb animals;
although,
i can't tell if i'm referring to werewolfen warrior poets or sh!tty dogs.
i'm just not quite sure,
but i know i am gonna blare an air horn at her every time she falls asleep today.
if i'm up, we're all up.
family togetherness isn't always big fun, folks.
sometimes it's a world-weary sleep-deprived state of raw nerves and hard feelings.
today is just that kind of day, too.
*
1900 times i've done this?
jeez-
and you're still reading 'em, too!
just what kind of gluttons for punishment are you, anyway?
i do this because i have to.
and what have i got to show for all this hypercritically recorded personal history?
that's an easy one-
i've got skeletal sunken orbital holes and dark circles around bloodshot dried-out bleary eyes,
underlined by bags big enough to hold an ocean of tears;
if only those weren't all already shed, and poorly spent at that,
on caustically bad investments of heartbreak and nevermindfulness.
awwwwwwwwwww, man.
a tinny tincture of salt and spit, piss, vinegar, and lava-hot fire
have weathered the cliffs of my haggard craggy cheeks into a snarling scarecrow's mask
of kicked-in and clawed out crows feet and snickering wicker-man stick-figure features.
yup.
i've got a face that could sink a thousand ships;
never quiet, never soft.....