falafel?!

ugh.
neighbors,
i was SO excited about falafel on saturday.
really.
so excited in fact,
that i brought pickles, and peppers, hummus, and ho' sauce
all with me to work, premeditated and prepared for getting fresh.
mmhmm.
that's no joke-
i brought the exxxtras so i could doctor up a standard storebought jauns
and make it behave like a fully-realized activational expert.
unfortunately,
the delivery spot that has 'em in my town F*ed up hard with their menu situation,
and is now officially all the way off the list.
they were already banned from pizza times, forever and ever,
but the filthy new addition of tzatziki on their already somewhat budget falafels
makes them completely superfluous to my dietary reality.
i don't play when it's falafel time, kids.
falafels are grown man business and that ain't no m-f'ing joke, y'heard?
it isn't just that they never use the same kind of wraps around them,
nor is it only that they eliminated the tabouleh from 'em,
and nevermind that i've heard rumors they're using a bucket of falafel mix....
i mean,
c'mon, now,
that's some total doo-doo butter shystiness,
even in a crackery craptard vacation town.
you know about the cardinal rule, don'tcha?
just be dope or F* right off.
so,
when we've already taken steps to maximize the marginal tolerability
of a convenience meal, and even managed to look forward to it-
well,
then what in the actual sunovab!tchin' heck is up with there being no tahini?
and worse,
how about the aftereffects on my overall optimism as a person
when there's just an unwarranted wet white 'sgustingness instead?
nope.
no way.
they're beat.
that's unforgivable.
i can't hang out with that yogurty crapola,
and no joke,
i think they're using mayonnaise instead.
they're off the falafel registry, friends, forever.
that's IT.
and once the off the list decree is passed,
there's no calling back and complaining. c'mon.
we won't negotiate with that sort of flawed and faulty falafel preparation.
rules is rules.
and now we hate them.
and also,
i didn't have any falafel.
awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, MAN..
that really put the ruination on my day and my evening,
so much so that i didn't even have dinner;
i just digested my disappointment and chewed on my own ire.
however,
i'm not gonna let some weak sauce waterbabyish buttholes stop
the falafel rocket from launching as soon as possible, am i?
no way.
a slight delay in liftoff is normal for stratospherically fresh-to-death food.
that's a thing, sometimes.
and anyway,
last night, with my homegirl ampy d,
we made our own super-official expert falafel sandwiches,
and although you expected it,
and we expected it, too;
they were totally flippin' awesome.
check the open-face-b!tchslap-type teleport:

pan-fried flatbread!
peperoncinis!
watercress!
tahini!
sriracha AND sriracha hummus!
cabbage!
red onion!
and homemade non-box-mix real life real deal really real chick pea pattyboombatties.
mmmhmmmm.
it was a fat one.
teleport:

right?
duders, that bread was what's up.
i'm tellin' you, it had all the hottness up in it's sourdough thickness.
seriously.
i'm into that dry-fried hand-stretched dough toasted on both sides
on a very very hot griddle.
you see those fatbottom results right there?
that's majestic, y'all.
lesson learned.
nobody is ever gonna care as much as i do-
that's both a bummer and a boast.
that festy sh!tswamp delivery dungeon is o.t.l.,
but i'm still here doing it right.
louder, harder. faster, fresher, bigger, better, and more.
i care, a lot.
if i didn't none of this would even be happening,
and we all know it all really always is.
true stories about trivialities,
recounted records of real life unfolding:
molehills in the mountains;
big talk and small worlds;
the woodsly goodness and the way of the warrior poet.
all of it matters, all the time;
never quiet, never soft.....