good one.

awwwwwwwwww.
neighbors,
i have been complaining about blarping out lately.
yup.
too many burritos,
not enough exercise, i guess.
the thing is,
my solution is usually to bake up a cake or something,
and it turns out, that's not really actually a solution.
it's pretty much exactly the opposite.
ugh.
but, i LOVE food,
and i want it in my hands and in my mouth;
i want to crush it between my teeth;
hell,
i just need piles of warm, tasty, salty, sweet, spicy hottness in my life,
all the time, every minute, until i explode.
jeez.
yeah...um,
that doesn't sound healthy, does it?
uh-oh.
don't worry, though-
even in the face of severe shark-gluttony,
this is where the situation improves drastically and dramatically.
we all know i'm into cooking up some stuff.
however,
did you know that my homegirl ampy-d gets busy in the kitchen, too?
yup.
on that healthy low-fat jauns, even.
that's real.
i came home from work to a pretty flippin' fancy dinner,
and i'll tell you what, kids-
it put the D in delicious for sure.
check the teleport:

home-cookin' from the future!
that's chopped up cauliflower 'rice';
with lime and cilantro and tamari an' stuff;
with spicy baked tofu steaks;
and cinnamony refried beans;
avocado;
and baby kale salad;
all garnished with scallion sprankz.
expert.
mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
who was the luckiest one yesterday?
huh?
ew, no-
i think it was me, actually.
c'mon.
healthy choices for my face,
and possibly a considerate woman showing growing concern for my growing waistline.
dang.
i'll take the gesture at face value- kind and caring,
and i'll take the food in huge mouthfuls- because i'm always so hungry.
you gotta be wary when you're a food lover, y'know?
it's true.
especially when you aren't a great big fat person already.
mmhmm.
blarping out is a hard style when you're skinny.
what?
oh.
well, no-
it's not getting fat, exactly,
it's what it sounds like- blarping.
shapes that aren't specifically human,
bulging off of your frame, in shaky, sloppy slabs of flesh.
filthy.
-
it all costs something, kids.
cake is great, but a slice don't come for free.
that's the nature of the beast,
and beasts and nature both seem to win every time.
that's tough, but fair.
y'feel me?
you want some cake?
you should get some cake.
you want to avoid the blarp?
you'd better do WORK, son.
you know the rules,
and that's an advantage;
never quiet, never soft.....