Tuesday, July 3


day one.
and right from the start, it's waaaaay too F*ing hot.
and that's not bad news, though right?
because too much is the right amount.
but, it's a tropical deathswamp and the air weighs a ton.
but, also, and more importantly,
it's sandwich week.
so, what's the only course of action,
y'gotta eat a sandwich, man.
that's the whole point.
and rules is rules, fool.
check the teleport:

that's the truth.
makin' sandwiches when it's a billionteen degrees outside is the worst.
but eating sandwiches during the best week is tip-top notch,
and i recommend you get yourself into some between-bread big action asap.
y'see that slaw?
there was no way i was making hot sides for my hot sandwich,
so i went way cool, instead.
crawnchy, cold, carrot and cabbage crispness is always good,
and the more colorful the better, because we eat with our eyes first, don't we?
you bet we do.
is the bun homemade?
is runnin' the oven the most masochistic thing i've done to myself in a minute?
not even close, bub.
i'm a whirlwind hurricanrana DDT of self-immolating decisions these days,
so a little exxxtra hottness trying to incinerate me isn't so bad.
besides. then you get to have fresh hot buns, and everybody who knows what's good
loves a set of those.
preheat y'all's oven to 375℉.
in your stand-up mixer, knead together:
1 cup bread flour;
1 cup a.p. flour;
2 T olive oil;
1/2 tsp sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
1 T yeast;
3/4 cup warm water.
give that 10 minutes of dough-hookery and let it rise, covered, until it's 2x size.
punch it down, and divide it into 4 equal pieces,
and shape 4 equal circular discs from that....
olive oil the tops, and let 'em rise, covered, for, like, another twenty minutes?
then bake 'em for twenty, and get ready for the new new hottness,
because homemade tastes better, and that's no joke.
and that's breaded seitan slabs you see up there.
they're good,
they're really good, actually.
and here's how you make your very own homemade boomfire from scratch:
get yourself a great big pot, and fill it 2/3 with veg broth,
AND liquid smoke, AND tamari.....
now, while that is being brought up to the boiling point,
you need to make the stuff.
in a medium mixing bowl, combine:
1 cup wheat gluten;
3 T tapioca starch;
3 T chickpea flour;
1 tsp ea GPOP;
1 T noocth;
black pepper.
whisk that together, and add in:
3/4 cup vegetable broth;
3 shakes liquid smoke extract;
2 T tamari (soy sauce)-
stir, knead, and generally beat up the dough you'll create here, by hand, until it's firm af.
you want a log of tightly-knit, dense dough.
it's pliable, but moreover, it's really meaty, which is kinda gross,
except for how it's expert and it's also not made out of dead bodies,
which is TIGHT.
let it rest for five or fifteen minutes, or whatever-
everybody has a different approach to the next part. but i'm a staunch supporter of slab slices.
here's why:
then you get steaks, cutlets or whatever you wanna call 'em,
but you can always shred those, filet them, or make them into more other sizes and shapes.
start big, and whittle away as the situation requires.
you can make 'em smaller, but you can't enbiggen 'em if you start with chunks or nuggets.
just sayin', use your head, and make plans for success, obvi.
so, i cut 1/4" slabs, and i press 'em flat, and i drop 'em all in the boiling broth,
and reduce it to a simmer, and let 'em hang out in there for AT LEAST a half an hour,
but usually was longer, which makes 'em waaaay better, which is what you want.
also, i let 'em cool, and store them in a airtight container, in broth.
i also also reserve that broth, because what's better for blanching and braising?
so, prepared homemade seitan, bro.
squeezed to remove some liquid from the fibers, and dredged in a floury mix-
chick pea flour; GPOP, salt, black pepper, and non-GMO organic corn starch.
that's the ticket to the big game, guys.
pan-fried on both sides in a glug of olive oil until golden,
and dropped on top of some baby kale, and a really almost-distractingly sharp red onion,
on one of those buns, also toasted in the same pan???

that's righteous.
but that's not all.
cucumbers! yeah.
cukes are ON the list.
it's been so F*ing hot that a few coolwater crawnchers were a very necessary addition.
also, and i apologize that they're hidden, but in-between the TWO seitan cutlets,
there's pea shoots.
yep. tendrils of green goodness with alllll the nutrients.
MORE is better, even if it's sorta secret.
...and pickles?
pickles are good. pickles are salty.
pickles are crisp.
i used to hate pickles, or at least, i hated liking things,
so i just assumed they were terrible,
because my ex-wife loved them but never really loved me.
turns out, she was onto something, and pickles are great.
oh, stop.
and sriracha?
i'm a masochist.
why not add spice to an already sweaty, glistening, shiny mess of a day?
a good sandwich can change the whole narrative of a bad day.
or a hot day.
and one the first one?
it's always a banger, bro.
it has to be.
i may have sweat myself halfway to death in it's creation,
but, on my word, it was completely worth it.
i do what i do, because that's what needs to be done;
never quiet, never soft.....

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