POWERBOWLS!!!

i like busy days of tattoos.
i like great conversations with smart people.
i like pizza at lunchtime (for reals)...
and in the evening, after work,
i like a big ol' bowl of burly vegan goodness.
i had ALL of that yesterday!
...and that meant yesterday was pretty flippin' rad, y'know?
yeah!!
i've been on a kick lately, where i have all the big action,
and all the best flavors,
and all the stuff i can stuff into a bowl, all at once, for supper.
why?
because too much is the right amount,
and wholeheartedly harnessing the whole food hottness is super-F*ing good for you.
s'good for me, and good news for my old, busted body, too.
word.
also,
a rainbowl of colorful crunchy stuff has never led me astray
on the path to physical and mental well-being.
that's no joke.
check the teleport:

allllllll the things, all for me.
if i'm home alone (which i usually am) i'm gong hard on the multifaceted freshness
of temperature, color, texture, and depth, duders.
i want what i want, and i'm prepared to do what i have to in order to have it.
that's a thing.
barbecue tofu? i doo-doo that freaky sh!t.
spicy cauliflower? obvi, i'm no chump.
fried tomatoes? sure. why not?
grilled sweet potato? apparently, it's a superfood, neighbors.
quinoa? i'm eating it, but it still feels like smaller and worse rice to me.
yep.
the cauliflower, the sweet potato, and the tomatoes all used one pan
in short successive spurts of sizzlin' and searing.
a lil pat of raw coconut oil helped those potatoes brown up on the griddle,
before the cauliflower and the shallots took center stage, doused in ho'sauce,
and dressed for success in a spoonful of tamari and a splash of water...
honestly, high heat, liquid, and a touch of seasonin', and regular-A* cauliflower gets
expert in a hurry.
the tomatoes hung out until they softened and blistered a bit-
i didn't know i liked those so much, but i think from here on out,
i'm gonna absolutely have to have 'em.
that's three pieces of the puzzle, all cooked quick, in one place-
(i added 'em all on top of that dumb triple-kernel quinoa,
in the pot, with the lid on, to stay hot while i kept cookin'.)
-
the tofu was fried up in more coconut oil, separately,
and when it got golden-brown and crispy as heck on three sides?
i hit it with the custom SAUCE
and caramelized it onto all those sticks of soybean sexxxiness.
yup.
-
1/2 tsp ground coriander seed;
1/2 tsp ea. GPOP;
1/2 tsp cumin;
1 tsp smoked paprika;
1 tsp hot paprika;
1/2 tsp cayenne;
1 tsp sugar;
1/2 tsp ground mustard seed;
1/4 tsp black pepper;
1/2 tsp turmeric;
dash liquid smoke;
splash of tamari;
splash of white vinegar;
DASSIT!
bbq sauces are so subjective. you could pretty much add almost anything,
and it'll still count, as long as it's slightly tangy, sweet, and smoky-
i didn't even use any tomato base at all, and it was still a delight.
at least, i was delighted. or delit. or maybe it was lit? i dunno.
i can only report to you that i really liked that sh!t.
that's the truth.
-
and there's ALSO all that vegetable matter matterhorning it's way to the tippity topmost
tier of crawnchy apex excellence for my face!
lettuce and cabbage and sprouts and cukes and carrots and peppers,
AND cilantro sprankles??!?
man, y'all thought i was kidding?
c'mon.
what am i?
an A*-hole?
no way.
i'm a powerbowler,
and i'm eating allllllll the vitamins in a giant heap of healthiness.
tight.
***********
true stories, told truly.
that's kind of what i do.
the one who knows all the words.
it's like the sagas, guys.
epic paeans to the power and glory of worthy warrior poets-
those scalding skald stanzas of real-life documentarianism.
those battle beastly bars on bars of bard-blasted sonnet sorcery.
words, on top of words, followed by words....
that's a narrative,
and it's all always really happening.
that's the whole point.
i love word eaters, but i hate hate hate having to eat my own words.
but, in practical applications, i'm naturally inclined towards bitter medicine.
no, really.
i nourish and nurture with syllables and sustenance,
a little bit sour, a little bit sweet, complete and complex carbohydrates,
convoluted but coherent sentences,
food and words are what i trade in-
the rest is just my job,
the real work, the real purpose,
the really realness of What Is is feeding minds and bodies
with words and with food.
we all have out things.
those are mine;
never quiet, never soft.....

IT'S NOT PIE

man,
i didn't even make real pie crust.
nope.
it turns out that in the rain, in the morning, in a haze,
i'm just making sh!t up-
doin' things we don't even care about-
out here eatin', bakin', y'know, doing mornin' stuff...
yeah.
why is that a thing?
because rules is rules, and i had dinner plans,
which meant i HAD to make somethin' beforehand,
so that i produced a valuable bit of creativity for the day before the day even really began.
uh-huh.
i do that, neighbors.
it's a thing.
check the teleport:

RIGHT?!
summery strawberry galette goodness, guys.
that's what's up.
rustic crust? i got you.
black-bottom big-booty chocolate activation? i GOT you.
fresh, fat, juicy strawberries? man, i GOT you.
i had the oven roarin' at 405 luscious fahrenheit degrees.
four oh five. tha's right. five exxxtra, just because.
i made that dough up quick-fast and in a hurry,
and it was great.
i wasn't surprised, but i was pleased, if you feel me.
-
there were maybe almost 2 cups of flour. i didn't measure it.
and a scoop of powdered sugar- no idea how much.
and the last sprinklin' of raw sugar- again, it was just a little shake.
a big scoop of vegan butter- it might've been half a cup? i honestly dunno.
a little salt, a splash of vanilla, and a whole lotta choppin' with a pastry cutter.
lastly, i poured in two glugs of non-dairy milk.
^^^^
is that a recipe? barely. is that what happened? actually.
i'll say this- i wish i did document it better,
because it was the crunchiest, crispiest, and most expert one i've had in a minute.
huh?
the filling? oh. right. how do we get what's inside it?....
it's a handful of mini chocolate chips, and a pile of sliced starwberries, man.
it's fine.
and simple. and fresh.
and delicious.
i baked it for thirty minutes, and ate it in under two.
that's the right call, y'all.
after all. too much is the right amount.
one galette, for my face, please and thank you...
***********
it's been a bust summer, and it's only been like, three days.
i had dinner with some friends last night (it was pizza),
and we laughed and talked and did people-stuff, like people do.
i had almost forgotten what that's like.
it was good, guys.
being a regular person for a night was a nice diversion from my normal regimented routine.
i'll be back on the grind again today, though-
to be sure, working less feels worse........and i'm not trying to feel worse.
not one bit.
what i want is some big fun, but, in a controlled environment.
that's what AMPERSAND TATTOO is for me.
a concentrated self-contained hottness exxxplosion, all for me,
and you, should you choose to be there, too.
all i really count on is that i'll be at the spot, with all i've got,
and i'm ready, and willing, to interact in that intimate environment
as an artfully articulate ambassador of real-life documentarianism.
conversation is inclusive, and no purchase is necessary.....
irregular person stuff is even better, man;
never quiet, never soft.....

three of a kind

so, this was a thing:

holy sh!t.
dudes,
what a wild whirlwind mini minute away from the woodsly goodness!
and harvest graduated the F* outta that high school jaun, neighbors.
there were waaaaaaay more speeches than i remembered,
and most of them took waaaay longer than anybody could possibly care about.
also,
every person welcomed the students, families, faculty, and staff-
and hour and half in, i got you, bro, we've been welcomed, a lot.
ha!
but, damn, if i wasn't proud as heck:

c'mon!
hours of extra driving? suicide dog trying to get us killed?
traffic out the A*-hole in every direction? 90℉+ temperatures?

worth it.
candid spycam shots of us taking a selfie?
kyooooooot!
hmm?
was i a teary-eyed turd for most of the time?
you bet i was! ....obvi.
strong people with strong feelings- that's a family tradition-
but, i've got powerfully overwhelming emotions bursting out of my heart
whenever i'm with my children.
and both of them made it super expert for their dear old dad.
for real.

c'mon.

they're better kids than i would've imagined i could produce.

they're better people than i've ever been, and i work on that sh!t daily.
too much is the right amount,
and they're overpowerfully awesome in all the best ways.
i cold go on, but i'm already a day behind schedule for my ordinary life in these mountains.
damn.
it goes by too quickly.
there's a reason everybody says that;
i'm grateful as F* for what i've been given-
and i'm thrilled to the gills that these girls are mine!
never quiet, never soft.....

TAKE IT EASY....

it's just a F*ing salad, man:

i mean, really, it's mostly just wet leaves.
yeah, it was crunchy;
yeah, that tofu was crispy;
yeah, those seeds were glazed with agave and black pepper;
yeah, man, salad is good af.
yeah, man, white balsamic vinegar is some tasty stuff;
salad doesn't have to be a bummer, bro-
even though it's a raked up pile of leafy greenery,
it's still really effin' delicious.
y'feel me?
ok!
now, let's not lose too much time over it.
appreciate that salad is NOT for A*-holes,
and move forward from there.
yeah.
my salad days are long past,
by my salad days are still in full swing;
never quiet, never soft.....

gRADuation!!

y'wanna take a guess as to how much i like driving to connecticut?

ma,

i've got five hours in the car with crabtree, before the main event,

back in my original homeland,

down in the southernmost center of the nutmeg state...

hmm?

what's the main event?

high school graduation.

yup.

should be big fun.

speeches? love 'em.

crowds of moms? my favorite.

high school? so tight.

yeah, neighbors, i guess you could say that it's about to be lit af.

but only if you don't have ANY idea what the F* that means.

harvest is about to be super-legit and all-the-way-officially done!

a graduate.

a completionist.

a flippin' lightning-striking valkyrie vixen, with all the fixin's.

that's rad.

she's rad.

and today is the day.

i'm proud of my kid.

like, beaming, bragging, beside-myself-with-respect-and-admiration, 

psyched, pumped, and amped for this big day.

she's been a great daughter, a good person, and a nice kid the whole time,

and she didn't just finish the thing- she crushed it.

so, today is her day, and i'll be there to show support and bear witness

to the fruitful culmination of all these years of learning and growing.

i'm excited for that.

...and i'm excited for SUMMER, too.

yeah.

that's right now.

the brightest longest-illumination in a twenty four hour period this year,

and where will i be?

in a car, mostly; 

or in the stands, cheering;

or sitting down somewhere, nearly the entire time.

it's a brand new season, and i'm wondering what it's going to bring to bear on me and mine.

so, today is the day in a couple of ways.

in fact, it's so action-packed and fun-filled,

i'm gonna go ahead and just stop myself right now,

and get ready for the big-time explosions of expertism  

that're sure to be poppin' off all damned day long.

it's all really happening-

the ley lines are converging,

the rotation is at it's peak,

the place to be is where i'm headed,

and i'm bursting at the seams in anticipation.

this. is. it.

really real life, unfolding across time and space.

the first next big step,

the first day of the new season,

the best time to be with my favorites and most-bestest ones.

i'm grateful for the time i have been given.

i've caught a couple-two/three glimpses of the alternatives,

and i think i'll stay the course and see this path through to the end;

never quiet, never soft.....

SANS CILANTRO

fresh cilantro would've been nice, man.

i'm sayin'.

without it, stuffs still tight, but it's just not as tight.

yeah...that's a thing.

and yesterday was tuesday, so i mean, rules is rules,

and mexican magic kinda needs cilantro.

alas, 

the grocery store doesn't give a sh!t about what my dinner tastes like....

ANYway,

even without the freshest freshness,

i still managed to make something pretty F*ing fresh-

behold, via teleport:

TEMPEH TACO TUESDAY!

yeah.

i zipzapped my homeboy todd, and his lovely wifey, which was awesome.

feeling flush with a victorious day of tattooing under my belt,

i went home and activated a heap of hottness, mounded in mountains

of massive bean bombardment.

that's real.

tempeh? it's soybeans, bruh.

plus black beans, AND refritas picante??

too much is the right amount, neighbors.

no question.

guys,

that tempeh is expert.

the recipe, if you can even call it that, is too easy-

-

*

tempeh taco crOmbles!

-

in a lil pot, 

you've gotta combine 1 block of temepeh, chopped up all fine and nice,

sauteed with olive oil and  cloves of garlic, and 2 T onion,

just to soften those jauns, before the burly bath in broth begins.

uh-huh.

1 cup veggie broth, plus 1/2 tsp ea GPOP;

and 1 T nootch;

and smoked, hot, AND regular red paprikas;

a few shakes of oregano, and dried cilantro bummer) and coriader seed,

which is the same but not the same at all, and a healthy blast of cumin,

and a few glugs of ho'sauce, 

and time enough on medium heat for all the liquid to soak all the way in....

that's when you transfer the whole thing to a pan.

why a pan?

so you can sizzle that stuff with jalapeno, and sweet baby bell pepper, 

fresh onion, and poblano pepper, too.

how much of each? asmuch as you'd like. it's just tacos, bro. eyeball it, guesstimate, 

broad strokes and emotional swaths of ingredients are good for you.

no joke.

get it all good and toasty, and spoon it all over your soft flour tacos.

look, you can use soft corn tortillas, too.

just miss me with those bummersville crispies, kiddo.

hard shells are NOT invited.

i don't dig on 'em, not once, not ever.

-

nootch-boosted oil-free fat-free refritas?

i doo-doo that freaky sh!t.

blarpity brown blops of pinto paste are ON the list, for sure.

i have to add red onion, jalapeno, nootch (obvi), GPOP, poblano pepper, 

and ho'sauce by the spoonful.

regular-A* beans are good, but have you ever had mine?

the're better. and better is as better does, so do better, and be better, 

and don't settle for lazy beans.

it seems so simple, 

but nobody is out here repping that level-eleven refried scene like me.

i used to span time with a woman who adamantly insisted 

that i didn't need to add a huge pat of vegan butter to the pot.

turns out, that IS correct. i can't tell a difference, duders.

all those years of fattening up my face were for nuthin'.

i leaned something, man. that still happens every day.

just not in time to make somebody feel appreciated and listened to.

awwww.

then again, i could just tell her she was onto something...

c'mon- that's even less likely than me ever adding butterish to the pot again.

ha!

-

and black beans, and lettuce, and carrot, and red onion sprankles,

and purple flippin' cabbage, all doing their part to make my taco time the best time.

that's pretty cool.

limes? F* yeah. limes are awesome.

also, limes are seedless, so no pips appear in your floury flaps.

i appreciate that.

-

and that salsa?

yo, on the ones, that fire roasted business is the TRUTH.

i've been working on my recipe,

and without those fresh leaves,

this was one was an honest success, but SO light in the A*.

it needed the bright bright brightness of that cilantro spike.

next time, man. there's always a tuesday, every week.

-

oh, sh!!!!!!!!!!,

AND AVO-F*ING-CADO, friends.

ugh.

i almost forgot about it; 

what an A*-hole i'd have been, then, huh?

lucky for us, i remembered.

avocado makes you cooler, and taller, and more attractive.

i'm positive that's accurate.

try it for yourself.

i think i'm onto something.

***********

i'm going to connecticut.

yup.

that's real.

for the first time in two months, i'm taking a couple days.

will i be driving for 25% of it?

of course.

that's how it goes.

but,

tomorrow, my eldest child, harvest, is graduating high school.

let me repeat that.

my kid. is graduating, from high school. tomorrow.

as in: already.

as in: headed off on her own in the fall.

as in:

i'm so old, i might need a new hip.

as in: i'm so very proud of the person she's become.

as in: this is it.

wow.

more on that as it unfolds.

a trip back home is always an action-packed whirlwind,

and this one will be no different....

except, i'm also adding crabtree to the mix.

uh-huh.

just to keep things interesting.

read as: three thousand percent more stresssful.

big fun, proud moments, good food, long drives, hard styles,

and all the rest of it, without rest, without stopping, without question-

it's ALL really happening,

and that's all there ever is to it;

never quiet, never soft.....

STORM SALAD

i know i don't need cake to eat in the morning.

like, i understand that cake isn't gonna fix anything,

an it certainly isn't going to improve my appearance,

nor will it strengthen my tenuous grasp on maintaining a semi-human shape...

but, i mean, c'mon dudes-

have you HAD cake?

it's pretty F*ing amazing.

so amazing, in fact, that even with the knowledge and understanding

that cake is NOT the answer,

i still baked up a thick, rich, robust chocolate chip cake anyway.

yup.

i don't care, man; sometimes you've just gotta have a little tiny big fat slice.

that's a thing.

also, in the interest of seeming somewhat capable of marginal restraint,

i made it a single layer, so there's less cake; 

even though that's still waaaay more than NO cake, it's somethin'.

after all, when you're trying to get right, 

anything more than none is a LOT,

which is good news, really,

because too much is the right amount.

check the teleport:

CHOCOLATE IS PROBABLY GOOD FOR YOU!

i am gonna believe that's a thing, anyway.

this one was, to quote my buddy, dylan: an instant classic.

that's tight.

that's coconut frosting melting around the rim- 

more of a testament to how flippin' hot and humid it was up here in the woodsly goodness

than to my inability to let a cake fully cool before icing.

bro, you KNOW i let my sh!t reach room temperature first.

don't think i'm rushing just because i feel rushed.

remember that.

ANYway, 

the frosting notwithstanding, 

i also expertly activated that ganache with real life raw cacao and raw cacao butter, too.

yup.

no skimping out over here.

and really, it was molto easy-

3 T cacao, 2 T cacao butter; 2 T soymilk; 3 T powdered sugar; 1 tsp vanilla.

and a whole lotta whisking over low heat in a little pan.

ganache has panache, buddy, 

and when appropriately drizzled, it turns up the sex appeal to eleven.

right?

ugly food is NOT invited, no matter what.

-

and the crumb? the actual cakey cakeness? the thiqqq fresh loudness?

yes, neighbors, it was very rewarding, all by itself.

you want a recipe?

ok. you can have it:

-

*

DENSITY DELUXXXURY!

-

preheat your oven to 350℉

-

lightly grease a 9" springform pan, or equivalent.

-

in a medium mixing bowl, smash and combine:

3/4 cup demerara sugar;

1 tsp vanilla;

8 T vegan butter;

1/2 tsp salt.

stir in:

2/3 cup non-dairy vanilla yogurt, and mix well.

next,

sift together:

2 T organic non-GMO cornstarch into 2 1/2 cups flour;

1 1/2 tsp baking powder;

1 tsp baking soda;

2/3 cup mini-baby dark chocolate chips;

stir gently, and pour in:

1 cup non-dairy milk.

whisk it until completely uniform, and spoon that shiiiii into the pan.

bake that golden goodness for 40 minutes, and get excited, kid.

it's gonna be so great, if you do it right.

and you're gonna do it right....

so, do it right, and make me proud, 

and make yourself some cake!

***********

am i working today?

you know it!

i'm flying solo at AMPERSAND TATTOO, doing what i do best- 

zipzappin' some old friends,

and making the moves that muster up the magic.

it should be a good time.

and y'know what else is going on?

taco tuesday.

yup.

i skipped it last week, but i think i'm back on track 

and on the attack for tonight's big action....

there's not a lot of dynamism occurring these days,

so i s'pose it's up to me to really invigorate the routine with

all the extra intensity i can muster up.

it might be more of the same, it just doesn't have to be the same ol' same;

never quiet, never soft.....

SWAMPS!

father's day came and went-
how was it?
well, i worked all day, just like every day,
and i tattooed a delightful 18 year old birthday girl
with a whole bunch of great big flowers.
yep. a full forearm of drawn-on freestyle roses.
i hung out with her and her mom, and we all had a good time.
...and that was the highlight.
i wasn't surprised, guys.
i live miles and hours away from all of my family,
and while i care for my dog like he's a realllly stupid little kid-
he's still a dog.
not a kid.
so, i wasn't exactly basking in the parental bliss of dadliness.
i was wrestling a wild and terrible terrier terrorist, and that's cool, too.
hmm?
it all unfolds the way it's supposed to, man.
being alone isn't the worst thing.
thinking about death and loss and getting bummed out isn't the worst thing.
effing up the spices on some hot-fire stir-fry might be the worst thing,
but i didn't DO that,
because i'm expert AF up in this Folk Life & Liberty Fortress test kitchen, bro.
yup.
that's no joke.
with or without phone calls from kids, or a dad to buy a tie for,
i still do what i do;
and what i do is create something of substance to nourish myself
during the spans of time i cross with just crabtree to keep me company.
he ate the carrot butts, i ate everything else,
and then we went for another 'nother walk in town,
where he peed on EVERYthing, and i got eaten alive by biting black flies.
sweet.
ANYway,
i went asia-type barbecued tofu for my meal,
and hooked it up with half a head of spicy sriracha lime stir-fried cauliflower, too.
check the teleport:

SO HOTTTTT.
dudes,
i dunno what the heck i thought i was doing, but i ended up doing something awesome.
uh-huh.
like, even the avocado was fully-activated and fresh-to-death.
mmmm.
that's black pepper and sriracha flakes and pink salt sprankles on top.
expert, right?
right!
*
and that cauliflower?
c'mon, kids,
y'can't just sit around out here wasting time.
that's not cool.
i had all the florets chopped evenly,
with 2 T red onion;
2 cloves crushed garlic;
1 julienned carrot;
2 T lime juice;
2 T sriracha;
a ton of HOT paprika, a few crushed red pepper flakes,
a shake or three of Garlic Powder and Onion Powder,
and 1/4 cup of hot water,
all sizzlin' and simmering and bubbling away in a very hot pan with a lid on.
that softened everything up, before i added the purple cabbage,
and a lil bit of exxtra bbq sauce.
huh?
oh, well, i didn't exactly use all of it on the tofu i haven't told you anything about yet,
so i drizz'd it all over top, and let it turn the flavor up even higher-
like, off the charts, all the way to eleven, instantly.
yup.
ASIA-type sesame ginger peanut jauns are where it's AT.
and here's what's in it:
-
*
BOOMFIRE LUXURY SAUCE!
-
4 tsp sesame oil;
1 T rice vinegar;
2 T tamari;
1 T ho'sauce;
2 tsp smoked paprika;
1 T agave;
1/2 tsp ea GPOP;
1/2 tsp ground dried mustard;
2 cloves crushed fresh garlic;
1 T black and white sesame sossamon seeds;
1/2" skin-on organic ginger, minced...
black pepper, of course, and ground coriander,
and mixed chili flakes to keep it fuego x 1k.
spicy is good for you, and if your nose isn't running, you did it wrong.
-
i had half a block of regular firm tofu sizzlin' on all sides
in sesame oil in my ceramic saute pan on superhigh heat,
gettin' crispy on the edges, with a handful of dried chinese chilis.
so HOT.
i added an off-handful of dry-roasted unsalted peanuts to the mix,
and poured most of that sauce on all of it-
which caramelized and fried and soaked in and did all the things you'd want sauce to do.
and the doo-doo was on point at the utmost in deliciousness...
here's the thing, though-
underneath all that sexxxy tofu wonderment?
grilled cabbage, bruh.
that's how you make it WORK.
no kidding.
a quarter of a head of green cabbage, blackened on two sides in a lil dollop of oil,
and spread across the bottom of that 'fu, for a fundamental foundation of dopeness.
add some red onion sprankles, and all of a sudden,
you're a superhero of suppertime celebrations.
...that's a good thing.
***********
i prefer food.
what?
ohhh, to what?
i prefer food to most things, actually.
have you ever even had food?
you have???
then you must know what i'm talking about.
food is the best.
and since i'm in charge of making it,
it's always what i want it to be.
i really like that.
a direct interface between desire and satisfaction.
what else would i even opt for?
maybe MORE time, i guess, to exercise and eat and exercise and eat again-
i do NOT look like i'm a fitness person,
but only because i'm a fat person on the inside,
staying busy, staying awake, and staying active in order to activate MORE food,
MORE often,
with fewer circumferential side-effects.
that's a thing.
i prefer food, man.
that's the truth;
never quiet, never soft.....

FATHERS

is there, like, a barbecue or a sports thing i'm supposed to do today or something?
i'm just gonna go to work, like i always do-
but, i mean, today is the day...
y'know, the one where we all presumably get excited about dads.
i dunno, though, man.
father's day has always seemed like the consolation prize holiday.
mother's day has flowers and brunch and cards and calls and get-togethers,
but for the father's?
on the ones,
nobody really even wears ties anymore, like the cliché from my childhood;
so i actually have NO idea what even happens.
i might get a text from my kids, maybe? we'll see.
i did get a card already, so technically they have discharged their duty,
and are off the hook for any further niceties.
i will say, with certainty, that i won't be calling my old man today-
he's not exactly accepting phone calls in his current state.
honestly, i don't think this is my day, neighbors.
-
i'm reminded of a particularly low point in my personal history:
it was six years ago.
i was verrrry busy falling apart at the seams-
uh-huh.
all the plans and preparations i'd made for a bright and shiny happy future
all took a huge sh!t right on my face,
and i was getting divorced, for the second time,
and feeling like an especially huge failure;
so, for father's day,
i drove the five hours to connecticut to see my children,
and maybe feel a little baby bit better for their presence.
afterwards, i took a ride with my own father into the city.
i don't remember what he said,
but i imagine that after a fashion, and in his own weird way,
he was trying to bond and be encouraging....
until his infinite nature took over.
we were driving up to a yellow light,
at an intersection where two police cruisers were idling,
and for whatever reason
(i can only assume he was making an effort to be cool in front of his art-nerd son)
he looked right at me, actually said OUT LOUD:
F* the PO-lice,
and ran the light, which, by then was alarmingly red.
now,
i want you to imagine the resignation and complete lack of shock i felt
when those cruisers hit their lights and pulled us over less than a block later.
now,
lemme just add a little exxxtra zest to the story-
the car we were driving was registered to me, but had been in his possession for years.
that's a whole other 'nother story.
in any other circumstance, with any other passenger,
i wouldn't have cared that he definitely had drugs in the car,
because i would've been several states away-
and yet, here we were, in "my"car,
pulled over for blatantly flaunting traffic law for absolutely no reason at all....
neat, right?
so, all we had to do now was play it cool, be respectful,
maybe turn on a little charm,
try to use a little father's day leverage to play on some sympathies...
y'know, things a normal person would do-
OR,
and here's what actually happened:
hang out of the driver's side window, and start yelling obscenities at the officers.
i know what you're thinking-
that's not real.
well, guys, i promise you, that's exactly what happened.
and if you're imagining that that approach probably won them over right away?
sadly, your optimism is misplaced.
i think it was the term 'feminazi pigs' that might've thrown them off.
oh! did i not yet mention that there were two female officers?
women AND law enforcement?
my dad's two favorite kinds of folks to show the utmost respect to?
mmmhmmmm.
meanwhile,
on the opposite side of the car, i winced at his exchange,
whilst doing my best to answer the questions i was being asked.
...and don't think i didn't mention that i was NOT enjoying my father's day,
and that i was very sorry for the old man's behavior.
the response?
'oh word, right...well, happy father's day to any of ya'll that's a father....'
ha!
honest to goodness, he yelled: the light was yellow!!! out of the window
before they ever mentioned why they had (obviously) pulled us over.
-
he got a ticket. we drove home.
i was relieved. he was enraged.
and he even said to me, 'you DO know that light was yellow, right?'
guys,
i was IN the car the whole entire time,
and he was rewriting the narrative to the only eyewitness!
right then, i saw the truth, wrapped in that lie:
the lie was the new truth, because it HAD to be.
accountability was too much to bear for him-
because he had been trying SO hard to be the person he wanted me to see him as;
not realizing, of course, that i didn't need a cartoon villain to confide in.
i saw my dad as he really was in that moment-
embarrassed and humbled, worried and wrathful, furious and helpless,
all at once.
it was awful, but it humanized him more than anything else.
the horrifying hurricane howitzer of my youth
was suddenly transformed into just a man.
he may have been pretty bad at being my dad,
but only because he was so much worse at showing vulnerability.
and in trying to be cool in front of his kid, and failing completely,
he ended up becoming something better:
i understood him, i pitied him, i hated him, and my heart broke for him.
the thing is:
that moment made me better at being a dad to my own kids.
i mean it.
instead of trying to impress them, or trying to be a caricature of fun-time dad-time,
i do my best to do what needs doing,
and to be the most expert version of myself-
honest, approachable, accountable, and invested.
essentially, being a real-life person available to my real-life people.
y'know, doing the opposite of what i grew up with.
i gotta hand it to the ol' man-
he was THE BEST example of what not to do i've ever heard of.
and it makes me miss him so much,
because sometimes, i can't actually predict what he'd have done,
so i may be making major mistakes from now on.
ha.
i'm kidding.
but not about missing him, though.

     dear the universe,
          you sure do know how to create a memory.
               ...thanks for this one.
                         love,
                              your pal,
                                      -albie

so, today is the day, again;
another 'nother home-alonely father's day,
and all i have to do to win is obey the rules of the road,
and tell the F*ing truth.
i think i'm onto something here;
never quiet, never soft.....

POKE MON!

it's saturday!

that might mean something to you,

but every day is my monday,

so every day is no more or less exciting than the next.

there's no working for the weekend for me, man.

there's just another day doing all the things that need doing. 

there's no difference between monday #1 and monday #7-

except that everybody wants to get tattooed on two of the days we're open 

so much more so than on all the others, 

and traffic outside the studio is a jam twice a day 

at lunchtime and dinnertime all summertime long.

yup. mondays 6 and 7 are really really busy,

and monday prime is pretty low-key,

but as for me, personally, over all? 

it's all the same-

all work, no play, every day....and eat all the food at every meal every single day-

i try to make the most of the time i'm spanning,

and the space i'm occupying.

today is the day, 

just like every day, neighbors- and pursuing a bigger, better, more expert version

of myself is what i'm doing with it. 

there's really not a moment to waste.

ANYway, 

last night, 

instead of celebrating the weekend (because wtf is a weekend) 

i celebrated being the hungriest one in the woodsly goodness.

uh-huh.

and when you're celebrating the presence of a monstrous appetite, 

the only way to party is with a massive mountain of food.

here's the thing-

i could've been a big fat sloppy mess,

but instead i was a champion of plant-based whole food hottness-

honestly, i needed something fresh, clean, new, and nourishing-

and i needed a LOT of it,

AND i wanted it to be anything other than italian food.

don't get me wrong, it was a delicious span of time up until now-

but i wanted less dough and more dopeness.

so, i went POKÈ!

yup.

a bowlful of freshie-freshness, 

to fill up and fuel the furious, ferocious furnace deep inside my F*ing soul, bro.

ha!

check the teleport:

ALLLLLLL THE THINGS!!!

dudes,

this was a good monday #5 dinner, for sure.

i mean, c'mon.

would you just look at it:

YEAH!

that's a LOT of food, dudes.

and no jokes, i took down 100% of it,

and then some.(it wouldn't all fit in one bowl...shoutouts to seconds, b)

and the all-star lineup?

tight and TILTY af, man:

-

tricolor quinoa! 

and i don't even really like quinoa!

but it did the job, and gave me all the good stuff, and plant-based protein, 

and blah blah blah, plus, it kept the whole flippin' thing gluten-free, which was cool, too.

-

purple and green cabbage shreds!

jalapeno rings for kick and punch and slaps to your palate.

crawnchy zesty radishes, to give it some bite.

cucumbers, because of nutrients, i guess?

yellow-hearted purple carrot, for off the charts toothsome fiber activation.

mixed leaf lettuce, to look cool, really.

sprouts for nutrient-dense roughage.

tomato for color.

red onion which was, frankly, a F*ing bummer- soooo sharp....

luckily(?) it's not as if i had a makeout party to attend, 

as it would have been ruined by the onion assault that lingered 

long after the thrill of pokè had passed.

AVO-F*ING-CADO! 

because, i mean, for really-real, avocado makes you more awesome, and that's a fact.

toasted two-tone sesame seed sprankles? yep.

and scallion sprankles, too? ...obvi.

too much is the right amount.

which is also why there's THREE more magical additions to the bowl, buddy.

woooooo!!!

-

olive-oil grilled sweet potato wedges! 

every side got given the gift of a bit of a browning, and the soft, succulent,

sweetness was welcomed with an open mouth and sharp teeth. 

...um. is that how welcoming works? i hope so.

-

smoky, spicy chick peas!

that's a cup of chickies, and a spoonful of coriander, a dash of ground dry mustard,

black pepper, olive oil, GPOP, and a scoople of smoked hot paprika,

all tossed together with a pinch of cilantro, 

and cooked on high heat just until they start to pop a little.

perfect.

they're sorta meaty, really flavor-packed, and they're roundish,

which switches up the textures so you're getting MORE awesomeness in every bite.

seriously, what kind of an A*-hole wouldn't like that?

-

and that teriyaki tofu is essential!

mmmm.

exxxtra-firm tofu, sizzled up on all sides with a spoonful of toasted sesame oil-

then drenched in a glaze of our own invention-

ok. it's actually pretty much all the stuff you'd expect-

-

*

TERI'SAUCE!

-

2 T wheat-free tamari;

2 T rice vinegar;

1 T ho'sauce;

2 cloves crushed garlic;

1 T agave;

2 T lime juice;

1 tsp toasted sesame oil;

1/2 tsp ea GPOP;

black pepper, sriracha flakes, to taste.

-

dassit!!

***********

there's nothing like an essentially guiltless cauldron of food,

y'know?

like,

no matter how much you eat, it's still super good for you in every way,

so there's no upper limit to how much you should munch up.

and if there's a ton of it, i'll eat a ton of it-

i'm like that,

and i like that, 

because i need to eat allllllll the sexxxy vegan food.

i do.

it's the brightest spot in my day.

...followed immediately by a short trip into town, 

so that crabtree and i can socialize, at arms' length, 

with the visitors and denizens of this mountain vale.

yeah.

we walk a lot.

or, more accurately, i walk, and he gets dragged, or whatever.

but you get the idea.

we're out and about, doing our thing, and peeing on stuff.

that's how we unwind after work and dinner.

every day is the same.

i don't hate it, but there needs to be something new.

not for the novelty, but by necessity.

if there's no change, there's no evolution, only refinement.

and i need to GROW outwards, not just improve inwardly.

maybe today is the day that happens?

i told you, every day is the day,

and today is one one 'em;

never quiet, never soft.....

PIZZA ROMEO!

dudes,
did i just have ANOTHER pizza party?
yup.
and i don't even care, like, not at all, that i'm a pizza partying piece of sh!t...
y'know why?
because pizza is the TRUTH,
and if y'all aren't ready to get into a passionate, but committed and serious relationship with pizza all the mother-effing time?
then i'm not really interested in spanning any time with you....
not while there's pizza out there waiting for me to come through and snack up on.
that's real.
pizza now, pizza later, pizza forever, man-
i'll never take it easy, and i'll never let a productive pizza opportunity get past me.
that said- last night was a change up-
i went rogue from my usual pizza party time activation,
and instead tried TWO other other 'nother jauns, just because i like to keep it interesting
here at the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress test kitchen laboratory.
first up,
i went full blown ROMAN and hooked up the thinny-thin-thinnest-thin-crust flatbread.
and when i say thin, i'm talking about flattened out using a flippin' rolling pin, buddy.
uh-huh.
thin.
on an olive-oiled seasoned steel baking tray,
it was crispy, crusty, and crunchy in all the right ways.check the teleport:

ROMAN PESTO POTATO WOLF-MOTHER HOTTNESS!!!
yeah!!!!!
dudes, you aren't ready for this much good stuff-
y'got the semolina crust, with two-tone sesame sossamon sprankles on the edges.
y'got pesto, then daiya chee', then oven-roasted salt-n-pepper red potatoes.
caramelized onions, homemade slab-style tempeh bacon,
and radicchio ribbons for the post-bake pretty-pretty glow up.
F* yes.
look at how absolutely stunningly sexxxy this lil bihhhhh is:

c'mon, guys- if you ain't with that? you're fired.
i made two pizzas out of one batch of 50/50 semolina dough-
the recipe is just about the same as always, only, i went heavy on the olive oil,
to get MORE crust-crunch than the usual scene.
....and that did exxxactly what i wanted it to-great news, right?
it sure is, and this crackin'-crisp sheet of pizza time magic is a testament to it.
i had the leftover pesto ready to rock.
i minced up the daiya chee' so it'd melt properly, like a pro.
i caramelized a sweet onion with olive oil and a little salt;
i had those slices of lightly-oiled and salted and peppered potato
gettin' good and golden in the preheatin' oven, on parchment paper on a baking tray...
and on the stovetop, i had half a block of tempeh becoming bacon-styled
crazy-glazed goodness for my face!
-
*
SMOKY-SWEET TEMPEH!
-
in a hot pan, with highish walls, combine:
1/2 block of slab-cut tempeh, with-
a cup of water;
2 T soy sauce;
4 shakes of liquid smoke;
1/2 tsp ea GPOP and mustard powder;
2 T ho'sauce;
1 1/2 tsp smoked hot paprika; black pepper,
2 T agave nectar;
and let all the ;liquid absord and evaporate for as long as that takes on highish heat.
and when it gets all thick, add a glug of olive oil, and flip 'em all over one time.
you see how it looks up there^^?
that's when it's done, and not a second sooner. ok? ok!
*
and that wasn't all there was, either.
nope.
i'm sayin'- it was a pizza party, b.
soooo,
the other half of my dough went into a fundamental roundie pizza pie, neighbors.
what?
that's riiiight. a roundie, throwback style, for heritage and sh!t like that-
what's better than a straight-up classic napoletana margherite on the menu?
nothin'.
and i had no idea i was even gonna get that busy with it- but i did.
y'wanna know why?
because i'm a F*ing expert, man, and too much is the right amount.
check the teleport:

WOOOOOOOOOOORD.
double basil?? you know it. that's pre and post bake leaves, for twice the hottness, obvi.
i even made a whole new batch of custom tomato sauce, which was TILTY af, bro.
and that's no joke.
-
*
MARGHERITE SAUCE!
-
in a small, hot pot activated with a spoonful of olive oil,
saute:
1/4 onion, shaved;
3 cloves crushed garlic;
1 cup chopped fresh baby tomatoes;
add in a crunch of salt and pepper,
a few shakes of GPOP,
and a 14 oz. can of 'italian-style' stewed tomatoes,
pre-pulverized in your food processor for a pulse or three,
just enough to pulp 'em up so they look like sauce and not wet blarps.
how much difference did the custom sauce make?
ALL the difference, dudes.
-
and the chee'??
shoutouts to miyoko vegan mozz, kids.
no foolin', it did all the right things.
is it super good for you?
i will literally never check on that bit of info.
not if it means feeling the least bit guilty about indulging in something this F*ing awesome.
-
i baked the roman one at 450℉,
but i cranked the heat to 480℉ for the classic.
my man dylan was here, again, for pizza night, and that was cool-
he even saved the dough from a over-worked unfortunate fate, which was very helpful.
and, he ate half of each pizza, too,
so that i didn't feel like a corpulent boorish boar at the trough.
that's good news, right?
less pizza, more pizza, pizza party, pizza forever- everything pizza.
that's all you need.
***********
in real life, away from the kitchen,
i'm busy, busy, busy....but i keep falling asleep in the weirdest places.
hmm? what's that?
NO, not like in a tree....don't make fun.
like, on the stairs.
yeah. the stairs.
which isn't scary until you wake up on the stairs,
and slide down them.
it's not narcolepsy, i don't think-
maybe just exhaustion?
here's how it happens-
i'll be playing with crabby, my terrible tempestuous terrier,
and invariably, he ruins the fun with his miscreant infinite nature-
so, i wait, and wait, for him to return-
(chasing him only elevates his desire to be a little jerk)
and that's when i fall asleep-
it's shark science, man.
don't stop, or you'll die,
and like nas said: sleep is the cousin of death.
it's a not-so-fun two-parter.
where will i pass out?
and what happens when i wake up?
i will admit, the dumb dog slept on the stair above me, as close as he could get,
which is verrrry cute-
but, my whole body hurts from the step-shapes,
and the surprise slide at 3 a.m.
shoutouts to collapsing-
if you aren't actually literally falling asleep, are you really even doing it right?
maybe;
never quiet, never soft.....