TOFU TUESDAY!

dudes,
i tattooed the F* out of yesterday.
i really, really did.
and when i was done, despite somehow still being super sweaty,
(even with the air being conditioned),
i knew that what i needed was to really immerse myself into the holiday.
what?
no, not that one.
parade-and firework gawking is NOT my thing.
hold on.
don't assume anything.
i like america, a lot. i believe in the o.g. ideals we were founded on.
i just don't have the sort of agog and rabid and willfully subjective solidarity
that some folks have simply for being born on a land mass
that has a particular flag on it claiming ownership
over people and things within invisible borders.
hey, neighbors...c'mon now, take it easy...
nobody is gonna stop you from getting a sunburn, getting drunk on cheap beer,
munching up dead cow circles, or wearing glow-stick necklaces
and oohing and ahhhing over explosions in the sky....
(i might listen to explosions in the sky, but when i say that, i actually mean the band) 
uh-huh.
america is tight, but also it is whack.
i love that i can say that freely here, for now,
at least until all news is deemed fake news, and summarily cancelled;
i love that i own, like, a billion guns,
although i will never shoot anything other than a target,
i love that i own and operate a free-market business that supports the arts,
and enriches my community, and still earns me my daily bread-
i love that the pursuit of happiness is encouraged,
despite it never being explicitly guaranteed in any manner whatever.
dudes,
america is mostly dope, in a whole lot of ways...
but then again, i'm a white guy.
and that means that the odds are strongly in my favor.
anyway,
until we figure out, beyond bills and articles, laws and legislation,
how to actually just be dope inside these imaginary outlines
that determine the boundaries of our country,
i'm just not really gonna be the flag-waving type.
and besides, i wasn't even talking about the 4th, bro.
i was talking about the real holiday:
sandwich week.
obvi.
because that's the sort of thing i can fully get behind.
and day three was slightly divergent from my usual taco-style derivative dish,
but still heavy on the alliteration, man.
word up.
TEMPEH/TOFU TUESDAY was in full bloom by the time
my sandwich companion dylan showed up
to span time and enjoy a sandwich with me.
yup.
check the teleport:

now THAT'S what's GOOD!!!
look closer:

C'MON!
those are charred scallions on top.
and those are so flippin' expert...
they're just too easy and super delicious.
burn those bad boys in a very hot, lightly-oiled pan, for four minutes or so,
rolling them around so all the sides get all the char.
that's the stuff.
-
there's pan-fried, thinly-sliced tofu slabs, gently crisped on high heat,
and lightly golden, with a lil bit of salt and pepper.
it's straightforward. it's necessary. it's what you want.
-
and tempeh bacon, too.
yup.
that's the stuff.
half a block of sliced three-grain tempeh, simmering in a shallow pan,
with a glug of olive oil, tamari, liquid smoke, smoked paprika,
GPOP, ho'sauce, and agave, to caramelize it-
bubblin' around with 1 cup of water, and all the extras,
with a little baby bit MORE oil right at the end to fry it up...
the in-depth recipe is somewhere in this blog.
if you need to really really do it, use that top left search bar, bruh.
-
lettuce and shaved red onion for crawnch and sharpness.
i love oniony stuff.
huh, what's that now??
well, yeah, double onions are in the flavor profile, kid-
too much is the right amount.
i even put pickles on this seriously savage sandwich.
y'feel me?
no??
y'all don't like pickles?
what are you? an A*-hole? you gotta have pickles, y'all.
...and is that AVO-F*ING-CADO in there???!
maaaaaaaaaaaan, you KNOW if i have one i gotta use it;
rules is rules.
...and what's the last piece of the puzzle?
a fat slathery splat of smoky sriracha mayo.
a scoop of vegenaise, two shakes of liquid smoke,
and a squirt of sriracha to spice things up.
all of it is so straight-ahead and easy,
but all of it together is something exxxplosively expert.
i love that.
i loved this sandwich.
i love sandwich week.
i love you guys.
i even love america, although not as much today, compared to every other day.
this is it.
light some sparklers.
grill some dirty dawgs.
do what you do.
it's all really happening, and that's the whole point;
never quiet, never soft.....

DAY TWO!!!

melanzane monday??
eggplant for your F*ing face?
fried eggplant on a furiously fiery day??
what am i ?
an A*-hole?
all the oil, all the heat, all the super-fresh flashblasting ferocity,
at omega-level ambient temperatures,
all so that sandwich week could continue unabated
in it's unrivaled ultimate expertism.
don't believe me?
check the teleport:

kaBOOOOOOOM!!!
let me just say that homemade bread is the best,
and add this tidbit onto that statement:
good bread makes better people.
facts.
so homemade buns are the ONLY way to get into sandwiches around here.
yup.
the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress is home and hub to all the hottness
you can squeeze out of the secret universal backlit blueprint,
and jam into one ley-line overlapping location.
that's real.
the bread is just one part of the picture.
y'see that salad?
it's great.
why? because it's NOT HOT. unlike everything else that's sweltering, sweating,
and softened in this mountain valley at the moment.
cucumber slices, tomato wedges, sharp red onion, lemon, olive oil and salt.
perfection.
*
the eggplant, though.
THAT'S where the boomfire lives, broski.
on the ones. crispy-crusted soft-centered super-sexxxiness is what's up.
it's a three-parter-
first, you gotta slice your eggplant nicey-nice, and salt it,
especially if you're using a big dark purple one.
i like the little guys, personally.
i'd rather buy and use two thinly-skinned graffiti jauns than one big fat blarp.
personal things, neighbors, you do what you want.
but then y'gotta drench and dredge 'em.
that's key.
and the one thing i will say for sure:
make waaaay more breading than you think you'd ever need,
and i bet you'll probably still run low.
that's the secret law of eggplant.
yup....it hates you, even though you love it.
you'll need one bowl with:
-
1 cup non-dairy milk;
1 punch nootch;
2 T flax/chia meal, ground and slurried;
2 T garbanzo flour;
1 T egg replacer powder.
whisked and allowed to bloom and gel and set and all of that....
*
and, the breading:
cornflakes, crushed up finely;
flour;
nootch;
non-gmo organic cornstarch;
oregano, basil, rosemary, sage, thyme, parsley, black pepper, salt....
-
you get the process, don'tcha?
i always lay out some waxed paper, so the mess can be easily wrapped and tossed afterwards-
here's the thing-
i have a huge pan, and i put in 1/4" of veg oil, and made it crazy hot,
which in turn made the whole kitchen crazy hot, and shiny,
and holy sh!t, neighbors, i was glistening....
-
dylan was over.
sharing a meal is better than having twice as much of one.
that's for realsies the truth.
and i love to span time with professional appreciators of the finest flavors,
and the weirdie vegan approach to things that i take every day.
what's more, he loves eggplant. and he loves sandwiches.
AND he did the dippin' and breading.
and then i fried 'em all up, and that was great.
he also rode point on caramelizing the onions.
and i had one huge vidalia, and it was a fat batch of browned-up sweet slipperies,
and they were AMAZINGLY tender and toothsome.
onions, over wilted baby spinach, (tossed with a drop of oil and a squeeze of lemon)
and so much of that eggplant.
like, stacks on stacks on stacks....
that's what you need, nerds.
look:

c'mon!
too much is the right amount,
and i had TWO sauces too.
expert.
one, half a cup of balsamic vinegar, simmered down to a thick and viscous syrup,
a.k.a. that balsamic reduction glaze.
honestly, you just simmer it down to a thicker sexxxier consistency.
and it's perfect.
and two, sumac-laced tahini.
guys,
this was THE call that turned an already super-sex sandwich up to eleven.
no foolin'.
a spoonful of tahini paste, and twp spoonfuls of warm water,
and two spoonfuls of lemon juice, and sumac, and GPOP....
i mean, it gets thicker quickly, and i don't measure this sh!t-
but it should be pancake batter consistency when you use it.
the sumac is key.
slightly citrusy, sort of pungent, really tasty,
and perfect for living inside of a sesame sossamon sauce.
sauce is what you need for eggplant.
it doesn't matter what kind.
sorry for the imprecise cooking times and measurements,
i'm just riding deep and dirty in the sandwich zone,
and i'm pressed for time before work.
it's ALL really happening,
and it's all a F*ing lot to balance.
*
i gotta go, just know that it's sandwich week,
and there's more of all of this coming our way;
never quiet, never soft.....

SANDWICH WEEK!

day one.
and right from the start, it's waaaaay too F*ing hot.
and that's not bad news, though right?
because too much is the right amount.
but, it's a tropical deathswamp and the air weighs a ton.
but, also, and more importantly,
it's sandwich week.
so, what's the only course of action,
y'gotta eat a sandwich, man.
obvi.
that's the whole point.
and rules is rules, fool.
check the teleport:

MMMMMM.
that's the truth.
makin' sandwiches when it's a billionteen degrees outside is the worst.
but eating sandwiches during the best week is tip-top notch,
and i recommend you get yourself into some between-bread big action asap.
y'see that slaw?
there was no way i was making hot sides for my hot sandwich,
so i went way cool, instead.
crawnchy, cold, carrot and cabbage crispness is always good,
and the more colorful the better, because we eat with our eyes first, don't we?
you bet we do.
-
is the bun homemade?
obvi.
is runnin' the oven the most masochistic thing i've done to myself in a minute?
not even close, bub.
i'm a whirlwind hurricanrana DDT of self-immolating decisions these days,
so a little exxxtra hottness trying to incinerate me isn't so bad.
besides. then you get to have fresh hot buns, and everybody who knows what's good
loves a set of those.
ha!
-
*
BUNS!
-
preheat y'all's oven to 375℉.
-
in your stand-up mixer, knead together:
1 cup bread flour;
1 cup a.p. flour;
2 T olive oil;
1/2 tsp sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
1 T yeast;
3/4 cup warm water.
-
give that 10 minutes of dough-hookery and let it rise, covered, until it's 2x size.
punch it down, and divide it into 4 equal pieces,
and shape 4 equal circular discs from that....
olive oil the tops, and let 'em rise, covered, for, like, another twenty minutes?
then bake 'em for twenty, and get ready for the new new hottness,
because homemade tastes better, and that's no joke.
uh-huh.
***********
and that's breaded seitan slabs you see up there.
they're good,
they're really good, actually.
and here's how you make your very own homemade boomfire from scratch:
-
*
SAY-TAN!
-
get yourself a great big pot, and fill it 2/3 with veg broth,
AND liquid smoke, AND tamari.....
now, while that is being brought up to the boiling point,
you need to make the stuff.
-
in a medium mixing bowl, combine:
1 cup wheat gluten;
3 T tapioca starch;
3 T chickpea flour;
1 tsp ea GPOP;
1 T noocth;
black pepper.
whisk that together, and add in:
3/4 cup vegetable broth;
3 shakes liquid smoke extract;
2 T tamari (soy sauce)-
stir, knead, and generally beat up the dough you'll create here, by hand, until it's firm af.
you want a log of tightly-knit, dense dough.
it's pliable, but moreover, it's really meaty, which is kinda gross,
except for how it's expert and it's also not made out of dead bodies,
which is TIGHT.
let it rest for five or fifteen minutes, or whatever-
everybody has a different approach to the next part. but i'm a staunch supporter of slab slices.
here's why:
then you get steaks, cutlets or whatever you wanna call 'em,
but you can always shred those, filet them, or make them into more other sizes and shapes.
start big, and whittle away as the situation requires.
you can make 'em smaller, but you can't enbiggen 'em if you start with chunks or nuggets.
just sayin', use your head, and make plans for success, obvi.
so, i cut 1/4" slabs, and i press 'em flat, and i drop 'em all in the boiling broth,
and reduce it to a simmer, and let 'em hang out in there for AT LEAST a half an hour,
but usually was longer, which makes 'em waaaay better, which is what you want.
also, i let 'em cool, and store them in a airtight container, in broth.
i also also reserve that broth, because what's better for blanching and braising?
right??
smart.
***********
so, prepared homemade seitan, bro.
squeezed to remove some liquid from the fibers, and dredged in a floury mix-
chick pea flour; GPOP, salt, black pepper, and non-GMO organic corn starch.
that's the ticket to the big game, guys.
pan-fried on both sides in a glug of olive oil until golden,
and dropped on top of some baby kale, and a really almost-distractingly sharp red onion,
on one of those buns, also toasted in the same pan???

c'mon.
that's righteous.
but that's not all.
cucumbers! yeah.
cukes are ON the list.
it's been so F*ing hot that a few coolwater crawnchers were a very necessary addition.
also, and i apologize that they're hidden, but in-between the TWO seitan cutlets,
there's pea shoots.
yep. tendrils of green goodness with alllll the nutrients.
MORE is better, even if it's sorta secret.
...and pickles?
pickles are good. pickles are salty.
pickles are crisp.
i used to hate pickles, or at least, i hated liking things,
so i just assumed they were terrible,
because my ex-wife loved them but never really loved me.
HA!
turns out, she was onto something, and pickles are great.
oh, stop.
and sriracha?
i'm a masochist.
why not add spice to an already sweaty, glistening, shiny mess of a day?
WORD.
-
a good sandwich can change the whole narrative of a bad day.
or a hot day.
and one the first one?
it's always a banger, bro.
it has to be.
i may have sweat myself halfway to death in it's creation,
but, on my word, it was completely worth it.
i do what i do, because that's what needs to be done;
never quiet, never soft.....

rrrrrrrRABBIT!! RABBITttttt!!

i said it, i meant it, it's documented,
and expressed with superior superstitious spoken word spitfire from my face
out into the wider waking world.
that's right.
what do we say on the first?
we say the magic F*ing words.
obvi.
rules is rules.
and when we're cultivating coincidences, and fostering fortune's favor,
and lobbying for lauds and accolades from the secret universal plan?
you gotta say it out loud, fresh and hard,
for the aether to absorb, incubate,
and return a thousandfold the Positive Mental Attitude created expressly
to bring boons and bounties and beauty through the simple singsong of a couple of syllables.
dudes, i did it:
rabbit! rabbit!
the spell is cast, the lures are set,
and now, the power of positive thinking is gonna have to step up and get busy.
ha!
now, y'know what else is mandatory on the first of the month?
yuuup.
a  F*ing treat!
y'gotta have a special treat when you're flipping over a new calendar page, man.
that's a thing.
so, i made one.
and i didn't just make one, i followed protocol, neighbors.
uh-huh.
because it wasn't only the first of the month,
it was also a sunday, son.
c'mon.
that's the biggest deal of them all, y'all.
because when the 1st is on a sunday, there can only be one outcome:
sandwich week!!!!
wooooooooooo!!
and with that in mind, i HAD to fire up somethin' with crunchy sides
and a soft center squished in-between....
check the sandwich-creme-type teleport:

WORD UP.
rules is rules, bro, and there's no getting away from it.
coconut-laced shortbread crumblies.
peanut butter creme filling.
melted chocolate stripes.
expert all the way.
huh?
well, on one hand it was a thousand degrees everywhere all day,
so the chocolate was behaving like a real A-hole.
also, the humidity was at maxxx capacity,
so the crunchy crumbs in those cookies were struggling to stay crisp instantly.
the reality is, even the peanut butter melty frosting had no interest in being fluffy.
it was a wilted, wet, close, tropical day, and nothing in my kitchen was on board
with making my ideas flow smoother.
....and that's cool.
here's the thing, though- they were still F*ing TILTY as hell, buddy.
yup.
that's real.
and here's what i did, i think:
-
*
COCONUT SHORTIES!
-
preheat your oven to 375℉, and regret that instantly because it's so HOT already.
-
in a medium mixing bowl, cream together the following:
1 stick of rapidly softening vegan butter;
1/2 cup organic sugar;
1/4 cup powdered sugar;
2 tsp vanilla;
1/3 cup medium-flake unsweetened coconut;
1/4 tsp salt;
next,
sift in:
2 1/4 cups flour;
1 tsp baking soda;
and drizzle in ~3T non dairy milk.
knead it, and maybe even add a splash more s'milk, if necessary, until all that sh!t forms
a ball of pliable, but NOT WET dough.
- on a well-floured surface, roll the ball of dough out to 1/4" and cut yourself some shapes.
i used simple circles,
i made an even number:
...they're gonna be sandwiches, after all, so that makes sense.
yep.
arrange them all evenly on baking trays, and fire 'em up for 11 minutes.
boom.
that's it.now you have cookies, and you should let them cool as much as they can,
which was not much in this gross atmosphere the woodsly goodness has employed lately.
ANYway,
that's when you need the creme filling.
and honestly, the one i made is delicious.
but, it also sucks.
i reallllly need to start measuring low to high.
it's almost impossible, because too much is the right amount,
but then again, getting it wrong is pretty lame.
that's  no joke.
there's butterish, peanut butter, vanilla, powdered sugar,
and non-dairy milk whipped up in the stand mixer,
but i really did eff up the proportions.
-
and the chocolate was simple af too. chips and s'milk and heat and burnt fingers.
damn.
i'm NOT built for heat, dudes.
-
so, chocolaty stripes, and buttery peanut poop, and golden cookies.
and rabbit freakin' rabbit all really happened.
that's tight.
***********
bro,
i'm greeeeeazy.
you know about that?
it's partially finnish lamp oil pouring from my pores,
but it's mostly stereotypical olive-skinned oil oozing to the surface.
it's like this:
left unchecked, i will exude all the grease that there ever was.
why?
i don't know.
i a normally fastidious and meticulous in my personal style and presentation.
however,
after less than two hours of sleep, and a whole day of tattzappin',
after baking bread and cookies in the indoor heat,
and climbing hills with crabtree in the outdoor swelter,
i was melted down and rendered into a pool of human liquid.
gross.
it takes a little minute to counteract that, too,
so while my body resets, i'm still a slippery eel and i'm NOT pleased.
that's a true story, and that's all i've got.
until it cools off, i'm the worst;
never quiet, never soft.....

BYE BYE!!

this is it.

...the last day.

see ya around, june, it's been pretty sweaty, and surprising, 

but all the goodness and badness of month number six is all over and done with tonight.

yeah, man. 

another twelfth of this year, down the hatch, 

but there's another big deal is right around the corner.

uh-huh.

july is cool and all, with vacation and sunshine and fireworks and all,

but are you aware that more than all of that, that rules is rules?

and july starts on a sunday, dudes.

WORD. if you know, you know.

and if you don't? 

you're gonna find out in under 24 hours.

meanwhile,

i knew that i needed somethin'.

....no, not like how ordinary people say they need a drink after a long day 

of successfully soberly navigating the hazards of personal and professional labor.

i mean, c'mon. 

that doesn't fix anything, y'dumdum.

what i mean is, i wanted to reward myself for enduring the burden of a busy day,

fraught with foreign language barriers, common english debacles, traffic, gossip,

and a querulous kind of hunger...

i swear that easing back on desserts has been the hardest thing, neighbors.

there used to be three or four kinds of cookies and cakes 

on hand at any given time at AMPERSAND TATTOO.

now, there's like, one at a time.

i mean, i'm eating better, feeling better, hopefully even looking a bit better-

it's all part of that P.M.A. all day, bro.

and i think it's working.

but, back to the main thread of the narrative-

i needed somethin'.

and what i needed was my favorite reward, dudes.

yup.

even when it's hotter than the hottest, and the air is heavy with megatons of moisture,

that's no excuse not to bring the hottness and the fire to bear on the suppertime menu.

what's the bets thing there is?

yup: PEE EYE ZEE ZEE AYY!!!

check the teleport:

FOR THOSE WHO ALBIE ROCK-

*FIIIIIIIIIIIIRE!!!!*

WE SALUTE YOU!!

that's right, friends.

 even when i'm already sweaty af and suffocating in the swelter, 

i'll still turn the oven up to 485 luscious fahrenheit degrees.

mmhmm.

if i gotta go out, i'm going out doing what i love,

and that's making expert vegan pizza for my face,

that's no joke.

the only downside?

that crust was golden, but the grey in the day washed out every picture i took.

eh. 

maybe you're not seeing what i saw, but i'll bet you're bright enough to fill in the blanks.

ha.

no sauce on this fat-crust hand-tosser, either-

there's shredded spinach, and a heavy layer of daiya chee'- minced-up, naturally, 

for maxxximum meltability, because like i already said: rules is rules.

that's right.

now, while the oven was heating up, 

and really blistering the whole entire kitchen with ferociously furious fuego,

i had some 1/4" sweet potato slices arranged on parchment on a baking tray,

softening in the rising temperature, with a gentle kiss of olive oil on 'em.

i dunno how long they were in there, 

or what the increasing temperature averaged out to or anything.

but i do know what gently browned sweet potatoes look like, 

and i pulled 'em out when they looked like that.

smart.

ok, that's a start, but that's not it.

no way.

too much is the right amount.

and that's a fact.

so, i had to have caramelized onions.

i mean, really, now, what kind of a homemade pizza  is worth a sh!t without 'em? 

i'm just sayin', they may not be for EVERY pie,

but they surely are on the list for MOST of them.

sweet baby bell pepper rings? in yellow??

kyoot.

i did that.

and halved baby grape tomatoes, too.

yeah!

AND fire roasted tomato flakes around the olive-oiled edges, bruh.

that's how it happens, with little details and exxxtras all activating 

that level-eleven-style on your one-to-ten rating system.

believe that.

-

anything else?

well, yeah, man.

there's the fried garlic sprankle upgrade in F*ing full effect.

that's very necessary.

OH, 

and that ho'sauce-activated smoky tempeh crOmble jauns 

was where the true victory was won.

really.

-

*

FIERY CRUMBLE TEMPEH HOTTNESS! 

-

that's 1/3 block of tempeh, sliced into 1/2" shrapnel,

sauteed in a hot pan in a slurry of SAUCINESS!

like:

1 cup water;

1 T tamari;

3 T ho'sauce;

1/2 tsp ea. GPOP;

1/4 tsp black pepper;

1/2 tsp red pepper flakes;

3 shakes of liquid smoke;

1 tsp agave'

1 tsp olive oil;

1 tsp smoked paprika;

1/4 tsp ground mustard seed.

-

y'just bubble that away until the liquid is absorbed/evaporated, 

and the whole thing batch browns up enough to look like some grilled meatishness.

eh.

maybe not. but you know what i mean, don'tcha?

tight.

-

THAT'S how pizza happens at my house.

uh-huh.

the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress is where the magic happens,

and it's pretty mutha-effing sorcerously sexxxy when it's ready.

i like it a whole bunch, 

and after a day where i dealt with all those different styles and challenges,

i gotta say,

i felt like more of a real champ whilst chowing down on that entire pizza pie.

yep.

huh?

oh, you really wanna know about the dough?

ok. i thought you had that on lock by now, but, here y'go:

-

1 cup bread flour;

1 cup semolina flour;

2 T olive oil;

1 T fast-actin' yeast;

2 tsp sea salt;

3/4 cup warm water...

in a stand mixer, preferably, let it beat itself up on the dough hook for like, 

ten minutes, on one of those lower speeds, 

until it's all smoooooth and gluten stranded.

then let it rise.....and when it's doubled in size, stretch it out, by hand,

and lay it out on an oiled, seasoned steel tray-

y'gotta bake it on a stone, too. 

that's key....

YEAH.

***********

so, june is done, today.

and the even bigger action starts tomorrow.

july might just be the one.

we'll see.

i've got high hopes, but also, zero expectations.

that's the thing, folks:

i'm grateful for the time i have bee given,

and i don't take that sh!t for granted.

making minutes matter more, 

and moving forward in time and space,

across the expansive, expensive spans of spirit and memory 

that comprise the secret universal plan,

without compromise is the promise i keep every day.

it's ALL really happening,

and that's the whole point.

what??!

i say that a lot?

man, that's because i F*ing mean it;

never quiet, never soft..... 

FULL

if i was smarter, i'd have made something with strawberries.
what?
ah, yesterday, man.
if i had had more insight into what the eff was going on,
i'd have made a more site-specific situationally-appropriate somethin'
to go along with the wild werewolfen silver circle in the sky.
y'know?
no?
oh.
it was a very full F*ing moon, and in june, that's called the strawberry moon.
so strawberry pie or some sh!t would've been the power move...
get it?
word.
except, i was deep in the throes of lunar lunacy,
and wholly immersed in the blue light of those stone-satellite laserbeams
reflected through the cloudcover right into my freshly-shorn and terminally terrible head.
like,
if i was a berserker barbarian bandit king, this would've been the night that i started
throwing powderkegs into the fire as casually as if they were ex-girlfirends' sweaters.
ummmm.
what i mean is: i can feel it pulsing like quicksilver thunderclaps
in time with my heartbeat, but i assumed it was exhaustion,
and not ley-line luminescence from the firmament's night-light beacon.
no?
man,
i couldn't see the sky for all the clouds.
jeez.
ANYway, i didn't make any strawberry anything-
but i did still make somethin'.
i mean, c'mon.
i didn't have any treats over at AMPERSAND TATTOO,
and that's not allowed.
so i made a cake.
check it out:

ALL THE sprankles!!
it's just a cake, man,
but it's never just a cake, is it?
nah.
it's a celebration of effort,
a fulfillment of expectation,
a product of intent.
and also, it's so damned delicious.
word.
the cake recipe?
it's pretty much the same one.
-
*
CAKE.
-
preheat your oven to 350℉
-
grease a 9" springform pan.
-
in a medium metal mixing bowl (or less sexxxy ceramic jaun, or whatever) cream:
1 stick (8T) vegan butter;
>1 cup organic sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 tsp vanilla.
thoroughly combine all that, and stir in:
2/3 cup non-dairy yogurt.
mix well, and add:
1 cup non-dairy milk.
stir that up, so that you've got a sloppy sweet soup,
and finally fold in:
2 1/2 cups flour;
1 tsp ea bakey powder and soda.
-
spoon the batter into the pan, (duh) and bake it for 35-40 minutes,
or until the center is done, and a tester comes away clean.
that's great. cool it on a wire rack after letting it sit for a bit, etc etc etc....
-
the frosting is the superstar here, however-
WHITE CHOCOLATE!!
2 cups powdered sugar;
4 T vegan butts;
1 T ground raw cacao butter;
2 tsp vanilla;
1/4 cup non-dairy milk.
whipped into a wild frenzy, and aerated to eleven,
before being lathered across the top of the completely-cooled cake.
THAT'S some not-so-secret new hottness, man.
and of course, those summery super-rainbow nonpareil spranks.
tight.
it may not be strawberry themed, but it sure as heck doesn't suck.
i love cake, a LOT.
my dudes, ian and dylan, do too.
they tuned up more than half of it,
and i was grateful for their help, appreciation and participation.
that's F*ing teamwork, neighbors, and that's good stuff.
*
you'd think for all the bestial anthropomorphism of werewolfen warrior poetry,
i'd have less of a mangy appearance in my day-to-day life.
...but you'd be wrong.
guys,
my hair is getting shorter as it gets sparser.
i think that's the eventual inevitable decline of youth at work.
i don't like it, but i'm done fighting it.
there are no erosion management techniques that stop the war of attrition
i've waged for the last five years.
it's not at the shaved-head stage yet, but it's NOT good.
i'm gonna have to get a whole lot funnier, or at least, broaden my sense of humor,
to compensate for the skyrocketing decline in adequate good-looks i'm reppin'.
is that shallow? insecure? irrelevant?
man, i dunno...
but i have a mirror, and an opinion, so maybe just let me complain for a little minute.
ok?
thank you.
***********
alright,
so, today is another day.
full of magic, strife, and skill,
iron and fire,
blood and lightning,
love and rhetoric,
silver and light,
ghosts and darkness....
that's pretty cool, isn't it?
and every day is just like that, too.
that's the best part:
it's ALL really happening.
that's the whole point;
never quiet, never soft.....

CLOUDY SKY PORTENT

the whole day was grey.
the whole flippin' day.
grey, overcast under blankets of clouds,
and hot.
hot and grey and smothering.
that's lame, dudes.
and complaining about the weather is pointless, yet, somehow,
it seemed appropriate for the situation.
fugue, fog, and 'fustication were the prime movers of the day.
and that suited me fine, for the most part.
except,
while i rolled in and out of my semi-conscious sleep-deprived haze,
i kept casting out and about across a future i can't predict,
and fortunes i can't foresee,
with hard styles and heartbreaks i can't forestall,
and returning to the same actually-solvable dilemma every time-
what's for dinner?
and i know that if i can just figure that out,
the rest will all start to fill in around the solid foundation of sustenance and stability.
i count on it.
i live by it.
and while that's weirder than casting bones and reading signs,
i still get to have dinner whe i'm done,
so who's to say my way is any worse, right?
the day was grey,
and the solution was to go to an even darker place,
and go there all by myself.
yup.
black rice ramen, neighbors.
that's the darkness.
teleport:

GINGER GARLIC SESAME SOUP!!!
here's the important part:
real life ramen broth takes FORevERRR...
and i don't have forever just for a bowl of soup.
homemade tastes better, for sure.
and my broth was homemade, but i used a little spoonful of bouillion to do it.
you can hate me if you want,
but i had some phenomenally expert soup already, so maybe hear me out first,
and pass judgement later?
aight.
i had a cup and a half of hot water,
and 2 tablespoons of tamari AND rice vinegar added in.
a teaspoon of better'n'bouillon base,
and a heavy shake of both Garlic Powder and Onion Powder, too/.
i added craxxx of black pepper, and sriracha flakes,
three cloves of sliced garlic, and 1/2 knob, skin-on and organic, of sliced ginger, too.
pretty simple.
a glug of sesame oil added bigger, better body to it,
and a FAT handful of baby spinach turned it all the way up.
and i brought it to a hard boil first,
and turned down to a simmer while everything else got prepared.
i don;t want bad soup.
i don't want overcooked broccoli.
i don't want slimy mushrooms.
i have standards, kids.
c'mon.
-
baby bellas, seared in sesame oil, until brown and firm,
shallot sauteed in the same oil,
and broccoli, tossed in, with a splash of water, lidded,
and steamed util the greens were more vibrant, and the florets fell apart at first bite.
tight.
seriously, i see people listing times for vegetable cooking.
just F*ing look at 'em, man.
be present, pay attention, check in on 'em from time to time.
that's called active participation, man.
also, i don't know how long i was doing anything for, and i may be justifying that.
who knows?
ha!
really, though, i boiled the ramen in a separate pot, because i don't mind doing dishes,
and rinsed it before adding it to the broth.
y'like the pea shoots and the purple carrots in there?
me too!!
and the cilantro and sesame sossamons really sprankled it to eleven.
exxxxtras are exxxcellent.......that's a thing.
that's pretty straightforward, huh?
yep.
exhausted delirium will do that to you.
i blacked out after a clammy, cloudy dog walk,
and woke up alarmed, not knowing where the heck i even was.
...and when i climbed into bed?
i was overwhelmed instantly by comfort.
dudes,
i hadn't slept in the big fluffy fresh-to-death bed in forever.
...and it was SO nice.
the cocoon of covering blankets, the sound of rain on the metal roof,
the smell of happiness....
mmm.
if a bowl of ramen sent me into soporific senselessness that hard,
i may just have to have another 'nother bowl tonight!
-
today, we're underwater,
but i feel like i'm floating on air.
i slept. a lot.
i woke up ready for anything.
today is the day,
just like every day, but maybe a little bit more than normal.
and while the skies are crying onto us in buckets,
my eyes are wide open, but, not tooooo wide open.
i guess i have one of THOSE faces.
y'know?
not good, but, also, not benign.
the honey-cinnamon-maple syrup sweetness of their color
doesn't do sh!t to mitigate the crazy-glare they get whenever i get excited.
and i'm super excited, so that's just how we're lookin';
never quiet, never soft.....

BEHIND THE TIMES

man, it's thursday already.
i didn't even tell you about taco tuesday,
and now i've got a whole other 'nother day of doings to discuss on TOP of that.
now,
i got one or two winks tuesday night.
that's less than the twenty i usually get,
and half as much as the forty winks u'all seem to think you need.
so, last night, after operating all day at an even greater deficit
of recuperative and regenerative sleep than usual,
i fell asleep so flippin' hard and i have absolutely NO recollection
of when i actually landed in slumberland-
in fact, the last thing i remember was turning on the guest-room lights.
...and then i guess it was a bright bright bright light's out KO for y'boi.
ha!
on the ones,
i rarely get a long, restful span of sleep....
but i crushed almost seven hours of rechargeable relaxation,
which i'm going to have to assume was very necessary, since the autonomic autopilot
override my normal self-destruct programming.
oof.
however, i'm wide awake,
it's a drenched, doused, and deluge-diluted delusional morning,
and i'd like to tell you more about all the radical vegan boomfire foodstuff fiestas i've been
feasting on before i fell asleep.
aight?
word.
*
TACO BOWLS, bruh.
yep.
no tortillas.
i don't know if it actually counts, but it feels like it's a thing,
and i also ate it with my actual face, eventually, and that was pretty tight.
take a lil peek at what i'm talking about:

all the feelings i can feel are all packed right in there.
two bowls?
yeah.
dylan was over for dinner, man.
i like to share meals with the kid.
he's always down to get into some good-A* grub.
and that's the mark of a good friend by my measurements, for sure.
-
quick pickled mixed vegetables were ON the menu.
slightly sweet, sorta sour, semi-salty, somewhat spicy-
that's the MOVE, neighbors.
i've told you twenty times how to make 'em,
but i'm 21 savage today, so, here it is again:
1 carrot,peeled, and sliced on a bias (don't make ugly food, dudes);
2 cloves garlic, sliced thin;
1 large radish, sliced;
1/4 red onion, chopped;
jalapeno rings, >1/4" thick.
toss all of that in a little pot,
barely cover the contents with apple cider vinegar,
and add a pinch of salt AND one of sugar-
then boil the whole batch until the peppers turn olive.
that's how you know it's ready.
let it all cool, and then get busy with that big business.
you'll be glad you did, because that lil bowlful of burliness is expert af.
truth.
-
rainbow fiesta guacamole?
*ahem*
RAINBOW FIESTA GUACAMOLE, DUDES!!!
yeah!!
everybody has their own version of the perfect guac.
i respect that.
y'all haven't had any that has all the power and glory until you've had mine,
but, still, you're trying and that counts for something.
here's how to win over the whole world with the raw splendor of avocados and vegetables
in just a few easy steps:
3 avocados (save the pits);
1/4 poblano pepper, diced;
1 each, mini sweet baby red, yellow, and orange bell peppers;
1/4 minced red onion;
2 cloves crushed garlic (or more if you think you're ready for that much flavor);
one punch form the bunch of cilantro, chopped;
2 T scallion greens, minced;
1/2 jalapeno, diced;
1/2 tsp ea. GPOP;
black pepper, pink salt, lemon AND lime juice by the BIG squeeze apiece.
yes.
yes yes yes.
heck yes.
when you mash those avo-F*ING-cados into all that exxtra hottness,
something magical happens.
like, something that you are gonna wanna eat all of before you even make the rest of the stuff.
in fact,
forget about all the other stuff.
just have chips and guac.
it's a lot, and it's enough, and it's worth it.
*
SIKE.
y'gotta go hard, or you're gonna have to go away.
rules is rules.
what else is poppin' in these bowls?
check it:

pico de gallo!!
jalapeno, tomato, cilantro, red onion, and lime juice.
BOOM.
simple? kinda.
TILTY as F*? so much!
neat.
-
there's sweet potato hash, too.
that's a tablespoon of onion, and two tablespoons of bell pepper,
and another tablespoon of hot chili, a dash of crushed cilantro stems,
and a quarter of a sweet potato cubed up into lil baby squares,
a glug of olive oil, a few shakes of GPOP,
and a whole helluva lotta ho'sauce.
what's the process?
saute it until it's soft, and don;t let that ho' burn to the bottom.
that's literally the whole of it.
and it tastes like you actually tried hard,
so that's a greater reward than the investment, man.
-
cauliflower is dope.
black beans? also dope.
sweet corn? eh. it's ok.
but, when you put all three together?
and then add chipotle, smoked paprika, GPOP, oregano, basil, and cilantro,
douse it all in lime, and over it so it steams a little??
c'mon.
that's the big action, and the big action is always invited.
real talk.
whole foods and good spices are all you need.
with a scoople of lime-laced long-grain rice, and letttuce and peppers and pea shoots,
and a little ribbon of purple cabbage all contributing to a perfect bite, together.
i like that.
***********
ok.
i'm a truth-teller.
i confess i had about four bites at dinner.
i had other things and more pressing matters on my mind.
but,
i dominated all of it, and all the remainders in the pan,.
at 3am, like a starving stormswept insatiable savage.
that's real.
also, it was still delicious.
also, i knew i was in BIG trouble, because  3am is bad news
when your dog doesn't care if you slept at all,
when he's all fired up by 5am no matter what.
yikes.
i find myself in situations where the world is in flux,
but the requirements are constant.
that calls for the creative navigation of time.
in turn, my body decided to undermine my best-laid plans,
and pass the F* out last night as hard as it ever has.
nothing like approaching the day handicapped by forced-leisure.
here we are, however- and here we go again;
never quiet, never soft.....

MOLTISSIMO!

holy sh!t.
holy sh!t.
holy sh!t.
...from out of nowhere, man.
that's where the new hottness shows up from,
after having been hiding out and keeping a low profile.
that's real.
and when you're out in the world,
getting surprised and discovering new things about old friends
and new skins for old ceremonies;
feeling comfortably uncomfortable and absolutely at-home in new experiences?
well, then i guess there's a verdict being passed down.
wait for it-
you're a competent and capable, adaptable and adept real-life grown-up person.
that's pretty neat, huh?
like, where'd that come from?
i think it's cool.
ok. that's all a little bit vague-
what new hottness?
which old friends?
what's up with the really-real world?
maaaan, mind your business-
we're discussing principles here, not specifics...
ha!
here's the thing:
the secret universal plan is open to interpretation,
but the choices that shape our actions are forged in the furnaces of time and space.
that's not metaphysics, bro-
it's willful warrior poetics mashed up with determinism's darkest corners.
it's all really happening, and it's all working towards something.
that's the whole point.
***********
huh?
what about the food?
oh,
well, on monday i got seriously activated, and went delving into the depths
of italiano activation...i really did, and it really worked,
and i'm really psyched about it.
it started with some fancy weirdie mohawk elbow pasta jauns,
and then the SAUCE came through and turned it up to eleven with the quickness.
that's no joke.
teleport:

MAMA MIA!!
now, here's where it got sexxxy-
dry-fried slab-cut baby bella mushrooms,
and par-boiled fried potato wedges, with that olive oily crisssspiness, neighbors.
mmmmmhmmmmmmm.
so TILTY.
it goes like this:
mushrooms and salt and a hot pan, five minutes per side,
and a drizz' of olive oil to get 'em just that much more expert.
then,
you take your halved and sliced potatoes, red-skin-on,
and boil 'em until they're fork-tender in salty water.
drain 'em, rinse 'em, and sizzle 'em up in that same pan,
sans 'shrooms, until those muhfuhhhhs be LOOKIN'.
y'feel me?
and they lookin' af, look:

see?
and the sauce? the sauce was legendary.
really.
-
*
LEGEND SAUCE!
-
1/2 sweet onion, in chunks;
3 cloves sliced garlic;
1/2 green bell pepper;
2 tsp olive oil.
saute all that until it's softened slightly,
and add in:
1 cup halved baby tomatoes;
1 15oz can stewed tomatoes, in the juice.
simmer five minutes, and drip in 1 T red wine vinegar;
add 1/2 tsp GPOP;
oregano, basil, black pepper, crushed red pepper, and a punch of nootch.
mmm.
next, add 1 cup of vegetable broth,
and let all that bubbly away, until it thickens slightly,
and gets that telltale orange-tint to all the juicy juice.
WORD.
did i add a punch or two of baby kale?
duhhhhhhh.
OBVI.
what do you think i am?
some kind of an A*-hole?
no way.
kale is good for you.
dirt-leaf thickness, and wholesome whatever-whatevers, for your face.
potatoes and pasta and peppers and portobellas?
yes, and yes, and yes, and also yes.
if you aren't ready to get thiqqq, you ain't ready for molto mondays at my house, man.
real talk.
***********
truth tellers can never stop.
it's a blessing and it's a curse.
most folks appreciate when we tell it like it is,
until we tell them about how it is.
and don't think it's easy.
nothing any good ever is.
you have the kind of honesty that makes people flinch, because you don't?
it's not a popularity contest winning talent,
but it is the virtue that victors value.
so, what do we do?
we do the thing, man.
catching surprises and apprising the situation,
interpreting and translating and telling the true stories that unfold from there;
never quiet, never soft.....

CAKEY B!

fudge brownies are good.
but, to make 'em, you need a F*ing ton of sugar.
or maybe not, if you're into avocados and black beans in your cake.
that ain't me, though.
i like more cake in my cake, and avocado on my salad and sh!t.
yeah.
the thing is, i knew i was gonna have a FAT day.
i knew it because i woke up,
and the first thought i had was how to get MORE cacao into my mouth in the morning.
the answer, after a big scoople in my antioxidant smoothie,
was to also ,make something sweet and rich and brown.
here's what happened:

CAKE/brownie/bars/somethin'.
they're fluffy, spongy, springy, and super-elite.
that's real.
here's how it happened:
>1 cup organic sugar;
1 stick vegan butter (8T);
1/2 tsp salt;
2 tsp vanilla;
2/ cup vanilla non-dairy yogurt;
1/3 cup raw cacao powder.
whipped into a muddy froth, all together,
and activated with:
1 cup non-dairy milk.
whipped again, so all the wet stuff was in one wild stormswept savage sea
of chocolaty moosh.
then it just gets better, with;
2 1/2 cups flour;
2 tsp baking powder;
1 tsp baking soda;
aerated all the way with that whisk on your trusty, upstanding stand-up mixer.
obvi.
you could do it by hand, but it'll just suck twice if you try it.
-
baked, in a greased brownie pan, spread evenly, at 350℉,  for 35 minutes,
you've got something ridiculous on your hands.
honestly, why is it so expert?
it's just cake, presumably, y'know?
except it's not.
it's better. a LOT better.....you'll see.
-
that ganachey drippy, drizzly, decadent chocolate SAUCE, tho.
that's a mishap that went right.
huh?
oh, it wasn't what i wanted, but it was dope ayway.
ha.
yep. that's what happens sometimes when you don't measure anything.
i think i'm doing something cool, but i'm really grossly under/overestimating
the skill-to-attention ratio, and getting it wrong.
it happens.
i wanted mousse. i got sauce.
too much is the right amount, right?
for sure. just, be sure it's the right ingredient, first.
womp womp.
overly wet melted chocolate isn't good for anybody.
it worked, and it's tasty af, and it held all the goodness on top.
that's all great news.
but, whipped mousse would've been better, and what i intended.
just sayin'.
-
toasted coconut, medium flake unsweetened sexxxiness.
as sprankles.
that's the right answer.
and again, don't get that bendy, limp easter baskety grass-type doo-doo strand stuff.
that's what poor people do; and besides, it's practically poison, so avoid it.
*
the cakiness of the crumb, tho.
that's the future of brownie time.
they're rich, but they're light, but they're solid, but they're fluffy.
that's tight, bro.
for realsies.
***********
there's more to life than treats, it seems.
as meditative and methodical, and pleasingly procedural,
and productively practical as it is,
i think i just provide the means to undermine my own feelings.
no, really.
do you have any idea how hard it is to NOT eat ALL the brownies?
sure, maybe some folks can have just A brownie.
and very proud we are of all of them....
but, i want every brownie.
mine all mine all mine all mine.
you know i've got that P.M.A., and through the power of positivity,
i often actually do resist most of those temptations.
and you must also know i've been on that appropriate reaction activation,
since lunar new year, which was a little minute ago by now,
so when i do slip up, i avoid falling right off the edge
and into the deep end of shark-gluttonous treats infested dark waters.
that's helpful.
but, one brownie is all it takes, man.
ok, three, maybe four. i don't remember, exactly.
i sorta blacked out after the first one.
that's a F*ing problem.
or, worse, saying NO to lunch pizza.
because i never say no to lunch pizza.
here's the issue-
i don't wanna look worse, but there's very little time available to exercise MORE.
i also don't wanna miss out on these expert vegan treats i make,
but there's very little restraint once the seal  is cracked even just a little.
that's just it-
how will i know if what i'm making is turbo-amazing if i don't try it?
but, then how can i just try it a little bit, without gorging myself on all of it,
especially once i taste how reliably amazing each individual element is when combined??
damn.
i know the answers,
i just don't have the answers;
never quiet, never soft.....

FIRE NOODS!

pad sriracha, bro.
that's some hot fire.
and when it's time to drop a batch of hot noods-
y'better believe me and my regionally-non-specific
asian-inspired rice ribbons are up to the task.
word up.
the sauce is the most important element.
in this case, it was just a ton of all the spiciness all at once.
yup.
check the teleport:

FUEGOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
that's a big ol' plate of hot fire and high heat, homie.
real talk,
i even had those runny-nose jauns in full-effect.
which is how you know how good it is, obviously.
yeah.
lettuce and cucumber and sprouts do their part to garnish it up,
but really,
it's the crisp coconut fried tofu,
those grilled zucchini discs, and the cilantro sprankles
that activate the exxxtra-credit expertism to eleven.
do you know what i mean?
no?
really? ...hmmm, maybe it's your first day here. ok. that's cool.
what i mean is:
the noodles are awesome on their own,
with just the superstar sauce stirred-up and swished in.
but when you add those little fancy pieces to make it better?
well, then it's BETTER, and that's better.
c'mon.
a scoop of coocnut oil is basically the best thing that happens to a pan, man.
and when you throw some exxxtra-firm tofu down on a sizzling skillet,
and let it brown up nicey-nice?
it doesn't stick, it just gets more rad.
and MORE is what i aim for, every day.
-
i did same thing, in way less time, and with two less flips, for those zukes.
seriously, if you overcook those green monsters, they turn to mush,
and that sucks the hardest ever, because squishy zukes are definitively GROSS.
real talk. give me some grill marks or somethin',
but make sure you miss me with that splortchy 'cchini.
-
rice noodles are great.
i like that they start out translucent.
why? because that looks like crystal magic, man.
and if you can transform crystal magic into wet white whips with only water?
you're a F*ing wizard.
...and i am that.
besides, they always soak up all the SAUCE!
(here's the bad news- i made these spicy noods to send to myself a week ago,
so the sauce recipe that follows is wholly fabricated out of my imagination)
-
*
SRIRACHA SAUCE!!!
-
1 tsp toasted sesame oil;
1/2 tsp ea. GPOP;
1/4 tsp black pepper;
1/4 tsp cayenne;
1/4 tsp sriracha chili flakes;
2 T sriracha sauce;
1 T tamatri;
1 T rice vinegar;
2 T mae ploy sauce;
2 tsp chili-garlic paste;
1 tsp ground coriander seed;
2 cloves crushed garlic;
1/2" skin-on organic ginger, minced;
1/2 tsp crushed red pepper.
-
that's how you make it, probably.
that's how i'd make it today, anyway, so that's how you make it from now on.
poured over noods, tossed in with stir-fried stuff?
you know what's up.
and what's in the stir fry?
I DON'T REMEMBER.
looks like there's brussels, for sure, and grilled cabbage, and purple cabbage,
and carrots-
i can see all those things, so i can say for certain i ate those things.
peppers? i think that's a pepper. it's a pepper. add a pepper. or don't.
what do i care if you use peppers or not?
-
you ever made a noodle dish before?
yeah?
whew.
just do that, again.
jeez. ANYway, it was very spicy. and i liked it. i'm a little fuzzy on the rest....
i was getting ready to head to connecticut, and that takes up mos of my attention every time.
*
and i've been back for a few days,
and i've been working every bit as much as before i left.
two days 'off', doing more things, in more places, was NOT relaxing.
nope. not even one teentsy-tiny little bit.
but, being back in my haunted hermit hole, i'm reminded of one thing-
it's a ransacked and ramshackle structure-
sure, it's a big monster manor,
but with a little perspective, i can see clearly that my reclusive ways have done me a disservice.
i live in one of those murdery houses where there's just weird sh!t everywhere,
and the vacuum cleaner is more decorative than functional.
ugh.
a day away and i can't even loo at the pace the same.
time to add janitorial services back into my repertoire.
bummer;
never quiet, never soft.....