report cards.

"hey, this guy's a total A-hole,
but in a really great way.
like, i like it;
how cool is it that i can just say that in front of him?"
...pretty cool.
that was the exclamation i heard yesterday at work.
i guess i've been outed.
man,
i kinda love and simultaneously hate it when someone is on to me.
i mean, how did she know?
the incessant straight-faced snidery should've been impenetrable.
but a whole group of young women saw right through it.
it took a minute or two, though.
usually i'm just sort of enjoying a little funtime jokey-pokey magic
that only one person is really getting.
y'know,
you're laughing with me, but AT you...
how can i really be a snarky mean prick if i'm smiling so wide, after all?
duders,
they didn't even scowl at first.
i was so encouraged to vent a little spleen an' that.
i'm sayin',
it seemed so promising;
nobody even batted an eyelash when i suggested a bud light can
with a bendy straw and a paper umbrella,
with flourish script reading 'classy lady'.
not even when i pronounced it 'skanky lady'.
kids,
that is pure gold mother lode sh!t.
but within just seven or eight comparable sentences,
i felt like that naked emperor from the story, ya'll.
they saw right through it.
unsurprisingly,
the only girl smart enough NOT to get a 'bro tat' with
her old college homegirls was the first one-
she what said that hottness up top there.
to be fair,
i think she could also read and had straight cavity-free teeth.
(read as: not a local)
perhaps i overestimated the power a sweater vest has on people.
or at least on people who aren't woodsly waterbabies.
we all zapblasted a couple of 'em and hustled them all out
before they could spread the knowledge of the hot fire to others.
we don't encourage prometheal fire sharing, ninjas.
then i resumed my usual routine.
the first thing you gotta do when you fall off,
is to get right back on, innit?

in other news,
my kinds are smart.
no, really.
it says so on their report cards.
so it's not exactly bragging, because it's a fact.
it also says they're both kind, funny, giving,
and a whole bunch of other good stuff that just goes to show:
nurture must be more important than nature.
because i can only assume my dominant barbarian genes
are being suppressed into smartypants surges,
instead of berserker urges.
or maybe it's all like teen wolf,
and they need to just get a bit older first.
and then one day they'll be poised to bring the noise with the best of 'em.
infinite natures, ya'll.
that's the kind of stuff they don't teach in school anyway;
never quiet, never soft.....