Friday, August 9

BUFF'D UP

ohhhh MAN.
have you ever had a day that was 100% A*-hole?
i mean, have you ever felt like the universe was bored,
and for the first time ever, you caught the notice of the infinite,
but not for any exemplary performance that merited notice,
rather the secret universal blueprint of all life just wanted
to single you out to pick a fight with?
no?
that's cool.
well after overestimating my importance to the endless expanse of time and space,
i went home discouraged and did what i do best.
i buried all my bad vibes under an acre of excellent edible expertism.
mmhmmm.
good food is good medicine for your soul, neighbors,
and my soul needed a megadose of dopeness
to kick-start some kind of self-preservation instinct.
what's the specific treatment plan?
BUFFALO CAULIFLOWER!!!
oh, word?
yeah.
and as if that wasn't good enough, i put it on a PIZZA.
now we're talkin'.
check the teleport:

BUFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFZ!!!
that's where we bring that D√úDI BOI SUMMER to bear, bruh!
fo'real.
the sauce is custom,
the crust is custom,
the grange is custom....yeah, it's vegan ranch,
but ranch is precisely why the midwest sucks balls, bro,
so we're home on the range and at work in the grange.
that's semantics, but i'm like that.
can you tell it's dope?
no?
look closer:

NOW YOU SEE IT!!
the crust is good:
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*
PEE EYE ZEE ZEE AYY!
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1 1/2 cups king arthur bread flour;
1/4 tsp wheat gluten;
1 pkg fast-rise yeast;
1/2 tsp sugar;
2 T olive oil;
3/4 cup warm water,
all kneaded with a dough hook in my upright stand mixer for 11 minutes,
olive oiled, covered and allowed to rise while my oven preheated to 480ish°F.
yup.
i oiled a pan, and hand tossed that circle, sorta thickly at the edges, and let it rise again.
and while the oven was preheating, i used the increasing temps to roast the cauliflower.
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CAULIBUFFZ!
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that's half a head of that tight, white brain, chopped into small pieces,
and arranged on parchment to brown up and soften a bit
after a coating of my proprietary elite treatment was applied.
what's that?
it's a shake each of  GPOP, cayenne, black pepper, and hot paprika;
1 T chick pea flour;
1 T ho'sauce;
1 tsp tamari;
and 25% of my custom BUFFY BOI SAUUUUUCE.
you NEED that recipe, for sure-
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BUFFYBOI LO'LO SAUCE!
-
melt 2 T vegan butter, and add to:
2 T vegan mayo;
3 T texas ho'sauce;
1 T sriracha;
1/4 tsp ea Garlic Powder Onion Powder;
1 tsp smoked hot paprika;
1 tsp paprika;
2 tsp nootch;
^^^
that's that hottie hot hotness, dudes.
and it's really effin' good.
-
spread whatever is left after coating up your 'flowers on to the dough, obviously.
then add a double-dose of mincey daiya mozz' and cheddar chee'.
the two-tone blend is key here- smooth and sharp and excellent,
as well as minced first for superior meltability-
rules is rules after all.
did i do what i do and add fried garlic sprankles?
you know it, kiddo.
the universe may want to break me, but i'm not about to let that affect my pizzas.
no way......not once, not ever.
there's wedges of thin sliced red onion.
we got jalapeno rings all up on there, too,
plus the roasty caulibuffs all in place as well.
that's a spicy jaun just like that.
but, when it came on out of the oven, after getting risen up on a steel tray,
and finished directly on the hot stones, we turned it up to eleven and beyond.
that's right.
too much is the right amount.
and we aren't here to be a bunch of bummers when it's pizza time.
so there's cilantro AND scallion sprankles for prettying it up,
and a drizzle of that smoooooooooth grange to activate a whole other level of lusciousness.
the new-new grange arrangement is hella expert, buddy:
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GRANGE SAUCE!!
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combine 2 T vegan mayo;
1/4 cup vegan sour creme;
2 crushed cloves of fresh garlic;
1 tsp dried parsley;
a couple heavy shakes of cracked black pepper;
1 shake of cayenne;
1/2 tsp dried dill leaves;
1/2 tsp cider vinegar;
1/2 tsp pickle brine;
1 tsp lemon juice-
stir it up exxxtra good, and let that sit while you're baking all this stuff.
pipe it up and out onto this pizza pie,
and then just relax for a second,
and marvel at the masterpiece you've managed to make,
whilst flying directly into the storm of inescapable limitless atmospheric universality.
yikes.
at least the pizza is amazing.
i overheated my insides with hot, spicy, sharp and tangy pizza,
and all it did was combine with all the hard feelings i harbored all damned day-
and that led to some very wild and untamed dreams.
i really savored the creation of this hot and fiery pizza pie,
i just should've thought ahead a little more about
the combination of spirit and memory and ho'sauce and jalapenos.
i gave myself a beatin',
after i got beat up all day by circumstance and situations.
if that's what's really happening, i guess i just got what's coming to me;
never quiet, never soft.....

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