HOMEMADE TASTES BETTER!

i will never ever ever stop eating pizza.
y'hear me?
there's nothing in this world i find nearly as rewarding
as a hot slice (or five) of homemade pizza, piping hot and fresh from out
of a raging roaring oven.
that's my simplest and greatest pleasure.
pizza is the TRUTH, neighbors, and i'm a truth-teller extraordinaire.
all the parts, all the components, all the constituent elements of a well-prepared pizza
work in harmonious unison to activate the greatest sense of well-being
that my tiny little brain can comprehend.
no, for real.
how can one food be such a triumph?
i'm sayin'- crust, sauce (or not!) chee' (or not) and stuff on top....
a crusty bread circle or rectangle or deep dish.
it doesn't matter- becausewhatever combination you employ, it's all so expert.
and that's why i love it so much.
regardless of how much you mess around with the formula,
it's still pizza, and it's still dope.
that's word.
i get into some real-time real-life really-real pizza scenarios,
and every time, i'm slightly surprised at how hard y'boi brings the noise-
that's no joke.
it's like i'm some sort of pizza genius.
ha. what? no. i'm not bragging.
it's just a thing. check the teleport:

PEE EYE ZEE ZEE AYY!!!!!!
hooray for F*ing pizza, bro.
do we have two kinds of vegan mozzarella on this bad b!tch?
yep.
weird dylan came through with a pair of tasty ones, and we used both.
y'know why?
uh-huh- because too much is the right amount.
so shoutouts to daiya shreds, minced even finer for maxxximum melt,
and to miyoko for being expensive and pretty flippin' good, too.
y'like those fresh mozz blops? so did we.
and that's homemade sauce, not just crushed tomatoes, buddy.
yeah. dylan brought the chee', and requested massive exxxtra sauce activation.
so i made some spicy fra daviolo jauns for his face,
and we used a holy heck-ton on there.
yeah, man, the sauce game was on FIRE-
-
*
SAUCE!
-
1/4 cup minced onion;
3 T finely shredded carrot;
3 cloves crushed garlic;
1 T olive oil.
sauteed until slightly browned, and hooked up with:
1 T white wine vinegar;
2 T nootch;
1 tsp ea. GPOP;
black pepper, parsley, sage, rosemary, thyme, oregano, basil, red pepper flakes.
and 1 can crushed tomatoes,
all simmered and bubbled and steeped in it's own juicy flavor until the oven was hot,
and the dough was proofed, and the truth was right there waiting for me.
-
speaking of the dough:
-
*
PIZZZZZZZAZZ!
-
stand mixer/doughhook/ low speed:
1 cup semolina;
1 1/2 cup bread flour;
1 tsp raw sugar;
1 tsp sea salt;
1 cup warm water;
3 T vegan butterish;
1 pkg superfast-actin' yeast.
beat it up forever. like 11 minutes, and let it rise for twentyish?
stretch it and stretch it, and arrange it on an oiled tray, and let it rise some more.
don't add sauce until the oven's hot, b.
otherwise you get the sogs, and those are for sh!t.
remember that, and you'll be a champ at pizza time, every time.
*
guys,
i know that life isn't all recipes and pizzas-
but if it WAS, though?
i'd be the most successful, and i might even be happy.
instead, i've just got all the best pizza, and that's something, anyway.
caramelized onion? check✔
semi-steamed seared broccoli?✔
homemade tempeh bacon bits? double check.✔✔
fried garlic sprankles?✔
c'mon. rule is rules after all.
and that tempeh bacon? all the way expert-
i had the marinade on deck, and the flavor profile turned waaay up-
ho'sauce, tamari, agave, GPOP, smoke hot paprika, black pepper, oil, and water,
to hydrate prior to caramelizing.
y'ever make that stuff?
you should-
it's pretty much an eyeballed concoction in a hot pan,
soaking into and onto all that fermented soybean sexxxiness.
i'd give it a shot if i were you.
i gave it a shot and i'm NOT you, so i'm probably telling the truth.
-
but, like, was that all there was?
no way.
there's no such thing as enough add-ons, guys.
we also had:
fresh basil, and fresh oregano, and arugula, and scallion sprankles?
F* yes.
MORE exxxtras equals MORE awesomeness,
and this one had about as much awesomeness as the pan could handle.
... i love pizza so so SO much.
every. single. time.
it never gets old.
it never lets me down.
and it never leaves me without also nourishing me.
i appreciate that.
***********
busy businessman sh!t.
that's what i'm on about.
my last day off was in mid april.
that's no joke.
it feels like forever.
the thing is: what the eff else would i do?
my purpose is to be a singularly hard-working ever-present perpetual motion machine.
down time is NOT invited.
yard work is NOT invited.
vacation is NOT invited.
what i need is bigger, better, faster, louder, harder, and MORE.
when i get far enough on the productivity spectrum that i can slow down
and still be ahead of schedule?
that's when i'll start to find pursuits that don;t pummel me down a bit more every day.
y'ever see great expectations?
i'm just assuming you didn't read the book, because i mean, c'mon,.
wait- you did, and you DID?
wow. who even are you?
well,
there's a goal-oriented validation fixation going on in that story
that i feel kindred kinship to deep in my bones.
worthiness is relative, but the sights i've set are lofty,
and the time i have to get it all in is limited.
it's all really happening, but i'm not sure i'm doing it right.
i need more minutes, i need more moments, i need to get better, be better,
and do MORE.
days off will have to wait until i've got that tangibly big fatty-boombattie gigante deluxxury
at my disposal.
good enough is not enough,
and there's nobody who's gonna give me what i want,
so i'm obliged to get after it all by my lonesome;
never quiet, never soft.....

COOKIEMONSTROUS!

chocolate cookies, dude.
crispy chocolate chocolate-glazed chocolate chip cookies.
yup.
a busy busy friday calls for busy busy blocks of sock-rockin' cacao cookie hottness.
yeah, man, that's real.
i've been making my cookies a little smaller- just a baby bit,
and just so i can make even MORE cookies,
because i want to eat alll the cookies.....
mmmmm.
check the teleport:

BLACKER AND CRUNCHIER AND MORE AWESOME THAN EVER!
y'want some of this sweet stuff?
you do?
come thru, b.
oh, you're not trying to see me?
ok.
but, then, would you like to make your own, instead?
yeah?
here's how:
-
*
CHOCOCHOCOCACAOCHOXXX
-
preheat your oven to 375℉
-
in an aesthetically-pleasing medium-sized metal mixing bowl,
cream together:
1 stick vegan butter;
>1 cup raw sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
1 tsp vanilla.
thoroughly mash that up, and stir in:
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce;
1/2 cup raw sexxxy cacao;
3 T agave or maple syrup.
next, fire up the mini chocolate chips (i used 2/3 bag, however much that is....
i like chocolate chips, i like not measuring, i like cookies, i like you);
and mix in:
2 cups flour;
1/3 cup oat flour;
1.4 cup crushed unsulphured unsweetened coconut flakes.
knead it up, blend it all nicey-nice, so it's uniformly mixed,
and make little baby balls out of every last drop of that dough, yo.
i hand-flattened 'em,
since all that cacao makes them sorta stiff.
they hold their shape like champions because of it, so unless you want little nuggies
with raw centers and no sex appeal, y'gotta squish 'em a bit.
-
i got 3 dozen out of that bowl, and i baked 'em for like 15 minutes?
they are crisp, they are crunchy, they are rich af,
and they are 100% expert, neighbors.
i also activated some new-style ganache drizzlers, too.
yeah. that's a new thing.
2 T cocoa butter;
2 T cacao;
1 tsp vanilla;
2 T s'milk;
2 T powdered sugar;
1/4 cup dark chocolate chips-
that's tempered and untempered chocolate, working in unison
to make something better than either.
...tight.
oh, and nonpareil rainbow mini-dot sprankles.
YEAH!
y'can't just be a lil bihhh, and skip those cute sprankles, bro...
rules is rules, right?
that's the truth.
***********
so i made cookies.
and i ate a lot of cookies.
and i did a whole bunch of tattoos.
and i talked a whole lot of sh!t allllllll day long.
mmhmmm.
that's how i operate.
big broad strokes of big, fat, loud, fresh, hardness for your face.
y'know?
i say the things i think, i think about the things i feel, i feel like i'm onto something,
and all of it is really happening.
i'm over here sharing righteous vegan baked greats (baked goods aren't enough),
and i'm sharing my perspective with the captive but not-so captivated audience
of AMPERSAND TATTOO clients.
and i don't even feel the least bit sorry.
i mean, c'mon-
i'm ranting and raving and rambling in every direction,
but you get to munch up on some of those cookies while it all goes down.
the cookies are better than alternative viewpoints on all the things you like,
which i almost certainly dislike,
just like they're fantastic examples of how to make a cookie
that isn't an inhumanly inconsiderate piece of sh!t.
you get it.
you've got it.
you like it;
never quiet, never soft.....

HOT SPICE!!

thai thursday!
i doo-doo that spicy sh!t, and it does something for me.
wordimus prime...
i even had company over, which was tight-
...yup.
sharing is caring, man- so i guess i was pretty busy caring yesterday.
check it out:

YEAH!!
all the usual exxxtras are here in full effect-
two-tone sossamon sesame sprankles!
scallion and cilantro and basil sprankles!!
cashew sprankles!!!
radishes and cucumbers and lettuce and purple effing cabbage!
jasmine rice, and orange-hearted purple carrots!
that's all good.
then, there's all that stir-fried hottness...
sesame oil in a hot pan smells fantastic-
and grilled cabbage is pretty rad, too.
sweet potato is also freakin' awesome, man.
so when that's sizzlin' away, you're almost obligated to go further
with all the veggie goodness, and boost it up with MORE of everything.
that's real.
so, that's what i did, because i keep it real in this kitchen.
we got tomatoes, we got red onion, we got baby kale.
there's sweet peppers, hot peppers, more purple cabbage, minced garlic,
and fresh-skin-on ginger, plus purple carrot, and cilantro stems-
...and then there's the muh-fuhhhh sauce, bro.
because a hot fire sauce is the key to expert activation.
-
you know the basics already, because i am predictable in that regard:
1 T sriracha;
2 tsp sesame oil;
2 T rice vinegar;
2 T tamari;
1/2 tsp ea. GPOP, ground mustard, dried ginger, ground coriander;
black pepper, sriracha flakes, dried basil and cilantro by eye, guys;
2 T mae ploy sweet chili sauce;
1 T light agave;
2 T lime juice.
stirred, and whisked, and shaken and doused on those veggies,
lidded and allowed to steam a bit....
-
neighbors, here's the thing:
i was entertaining, i was adding water to the pan to soften the sweet potatoes,
i was all over the effing place-
what did i do, exxxactly?
i made some radical gluten-free spicy thai bowls.
beyond that, it was rote muscle memory and controlled chaos.
i just kept stirring the pot, or the pan, really, and adding more purple stuff.
too much is the right amount,
that's all i kept thinking while i attempted to be engaging and inclusive,
but also,
while i repped that cooking-show-style island-divided audience vs author vibe.
y'all stay on that side of the kitchen, and let y'boi do his thing.
that's more to my liking,
let me loose, and stay out of my way,
and i promise i'll find some way to include you in the bigger picture.
like- sorry, and also, you're welcome, if you catch my drift.
yeah.
***********
it's always a series of checks and balances, buddy.
y'know?
it all costs something, and if you aren't prepared to pay?
then you can't have it.
that's how i look at all of my interactions throughout every day.
y'ever meet somebody so perfect, except for that ONE enormous obstacle?
that's pretty cool, huh?
how about the infinitely available, but otherwise incompatible individuals
who deserve the attention of someone who syncs into their rhythm,
but who want to try to match up with your flow?
that's almost worse, right?
so, if there's somebody expert but inaccessible,
that's superior,
even if only because that's confirmation of the existence
of real-time real-life active participants and worthy warrior poets...
...even if they're not for you.
in my eyes,
it's better to know they're out there,
independently operating at level-eleven excellence.
the alternative is to assume that everybody is not that,
and everybody is a whole unholy helluva lotta bodies to be out of step with.
that's the truth.
so here i am, these days.
with less of what's good, but comforted knowing that there's good out there,
i'm not alone, i'm lonely,
i'm home, and i'm homely,
it's all really happening,
and that's the whole point;
never quiet, never soft.....

LONELY? 'LONIS!

making dinner every night,
and making it all fancy and sh!t,
just for your own damned self,
is kinda nice.
also, it's kind of a bummer.
y'know?
i mean,
yeah, for sure, i should treat myself well, and indulge in these beautiful,
nourishing, satisfying and visually molto sexxxy meals-
but,
sharing those moments has proven to be much more enjoyable;
...even though i only get to munch up a portion, rather than the whole.
that's real.
i still get deep into the dopeness, and i still immerse myself in the process
of creation and crafty craftsmanship, i'm just sayin'-
it's weird that i'm home alone making food y'all only eat with your eyes.
that's what i do, that's what you do, that'show it goes.
last night,
i was feeling especially inventive and attentive,
so i went in hard on the multi-tiered complicated procedures,
just so i could have something especially expert for my fat F*ing face.
uh-huh.
check the tortelloni-type teleport:

THESE JAUNS ARE BIG AF!
y'got your sweet potato soupy stuff;
y'got your semolina pasta pockets;
y'got your brussies browned up;
really, you're all set if you're set up with this sort of stuff....
and i was, and i am, and that's IT.
mmmm.
-
it all starts with homemade pasta dough-
and that's so easy, you'll give yourself a little kick for not making some sooner-
-
*
PASTA DOUGH!
-
in your stand mixer, combine, and knead:
1 cup semolina flour;
1/2 tsp salt;
1/2 cup a.p. flour;
3 T olive oil;
2/3 cup warm water.
- use your dough hook, beat it up for ten minutes or so,
wrap it and rest it, and get all the other other stuff ready,
before rolling the dough out on a well floured surface,
into as many 3" circles as you think you'll need to satisfy your hunger, holmes.
uh-huh.
i made 16, and i was full as heck, but still have enough dough for 16 MORE.
maybe tonight's the night? or maybe it's thai thursday, bro.
who knows? anything could happen.
*
ANYway-
i made some pretty tight filling for these F*ers, too:
-
*
that's a cup of beans- it doesn't matter what kind-
i had small red kidney-style dudes left from taco time, so i just used those-
plus a shallot, a fat clove of crushed garlic,
and two man-hand-sized fistfuls of arugula,
all wilted up and sauteed in olive oil, with lemon juice and black pepper.
what size pan? i dunno, kid- a medium one?
use your judgement, you've almost certainly cooked before-
what you end up with is a burly batch of caramelized hottness, soft, sharp greenery,
and heavy-duty toothsome textural manliness for your mouth.
is it fast and fresh to death? yes!
how about powerfully flavorful? of course!
ok. but is it perfect for pouching up?
don't be dumb, duder- it was a match made in heaven.
i'm lucky that my intuition is on point when it's time to get it poppin'
in this Folk Life & Liberty Fortress test kitchen laboratory.
that's no joke.
in most other situations, my first through fourth instincts are pretty terrible,
so at least at dinnertime, even when i'm flying solo, (which is basically always)
i know that what i'm stirring up is gonna be diabolically decadent,
and that's good news for people who love good food.
y'know- people like us, man.
yep.
a spoonful in the center of those semolina circles, a pinch, a flip, and squeeze,
and a little time to settle down,
while a big ol' pot of salty water reached a roiling rolling boil
*
how about those brussels, bro?
that's halves in a drop of olive, and a splash of water,
fried up to a golden sin on the cut side on high heat,
and glazed with a teaspoon of tamari when they're soft and green on the shell side.
that's it....so simple, but essential to activating the bigger picture.
tight.
*
smoky sweet potato soup?
i guess that's what's up.
i'mean, c'mon- what else would i wanna drop my torties into?
i had two cups of vegetable broth;
1 tsp ea Garlic Powder Onion Powder;
1 T nootch;
1/2 a large sweet potato, skin on, cubed up, and orange as heck;
1/4 red onion;
1/2 tsp sage & thyme;
a dash of oregano;
a splash of white wine vinegar;
and a tablespoon of smoked paprika.
simmered until those sweet potatoes are soft,
then puree the sh!t out of it.
i used my trusty stick mixer, a.k.a immersion blender,
but a blender or food processor would've been just as good.
the important part is to make it smooth,
so it spoons up exxxtra nice with a fat-butt tortie.
-
guys,
y'gotta put it all together so it looks all kinds of nicey-nice-
that meant MORE arugula,
AND fire-roasted tomato flake sprankles,
AND toasted sunflower seed sprankles...
too much is the right amount, neighbors...
and if you aren't going hard on those exxxtras, you aren't doing it right.
i ate it all myself.
that was awesome.
i ate it all myself.
that was a little sad.
i ate it all myself.
that was NOT the only option, but it was the one i chose.
everything is always MORE and less with me.
***********
y'ever meet somebody so attractive that they make you want to exercise more?
no? yes? maybe?
ha.
i'm telling you- it isn't every day that that happens,
and it usually isn't something that matters in practical application.
but, sometimes, though, it DOES happen; and when that is a thing?
an acre of sweet potatoes and tortelloni are the site-specific opposite
of what i think is the best course of action-
except,
they're SO good, they offset the fear of physical loneliness until the bowl is empty,
and the bellyhole is so F*ing full-
there's just a short bout of regret once they're all stashed safely away inside my body-
because once they're IN there, there's no point in worrying anymore-
what's done is done, and what's next has to be smarter.... 
for me, being old and busted has always motivated me to be more productive,
more capable, and competently communicative-
i play to my strengths, none of which are located on my hairline or my waistline-
however,
as summertime hovers around the periphery of these forty-something degree temperatures?
this june has given us all a little exxxtra time to maybe look less like a pod of whales,
and more like hominids, no matter how homely...
i'm not getting naked in font of anybody any time soon,
so hopefully between now and that undetermined far-off date,
i can make a few adjustments to my daily routine,
and shape up into something slightly more desirable than what i'm currently representing.
and if not,
i know there will be plenty of expert dinnertime troughs set up to sooth and salve my
shark-gluttonous home-aloneliness-
that's a win-win scenario.
the more repellent i get, the less of this amazing food i have to share;
OR, the more i share the more tolerable i may become;
never quiet, never soft.....

TACO TUESDAY!

i wasn't gonna.
...but i did.
yeah.
taco tuesday happened, again.
it had to, i s'pose: rules is rules, an' that.
i thought about taking it easy,
but instead i went hard, just like always.
that's my move, dudes.
i didn't even want tacos, and i wasn't even hungry...
but i still did the thing the way that i do,
and took tacos to eleven on that 1-10 chart.
huh?
well,
i toasted some soft flour tortillas, to crisp 'em up,
but i do not ever ever ever F* with those crawnchy hard shell jauns.
that's a fact, and that's the truth, and that's non-negotiable.
y'better miss me with that bullsh!t, bro.
however,
you can come through with some of THIS whenever you want:

TOFU AND PINK BEANS AND PICO AND PICK'S!!!!
woooooooooooooord.
no, for really-real.
look at this new hottness:

C'MON!
the tofu? spicy, smoky, sexxxy, and succulent.
the beans? hearty, savory, thiqqq, and rich.
that pico? so much lime and garlic, your face will melt (with satisfaction)!!
mmmmmmmmm.
-
let's talk about those quick mixed pickled veggies, neighbors-
a radish, a couple carrots, red onion, and garlic,
all barely covered in apple cider vinegar, with a dash of salt and sugar,
and a generous squeeze of lime juice,
boiled up until soft, and served as the perfect compliment to all that taco magic.
-
the beans were on point, too-
a cup-ish of small reddish pinkish beans with a glug of olive oil on medium heat,
with scallions, and oregano and GPOP,
a scoop of fire-roasted tomato flakes, a punch of fresh cilantro...
how simple is that? how tasty is that?
well, it gets better-
because then you toss the whole thing in a fat spoonful of chipotle chili pepper powder,
and let it soak up all that sabor de soledad!
TIGHT,.
-
the tofu was fired up in a very very hot pan, man.
with GPOP, coriander, cumin, oregano, smoked hot paprika, black pepper, and lime juice.
seems simple enough, right? it IS.
one flip, and patience is all that's required.
then, a heavy heaping helping of ho'sauce.
i'm a texas pete man myself, so i loaded it on,
and let it sear itself onto each slab of that exxxta firm tofu.
i don't know how hungry you are, but i used half a block, and i ate it all, y'all.
uh-huh.
too much is the right amount.
-
are those pepitas?
of course they are!
what do you think i am?
some kind of an A*-hole?
no way, josé.
on the ones, i gets it IN with the seeds, y'feel me?
olive oil, pumpkin pits, black pepper, sriracha flakes, and once they start to pop a bit?
they get glazed with agave and removed form the heat.
that's sprankle sorcery, and it made these tacos into something special af.
-
then there's lettuce, and purple cabbage, and that pico perfecto, too.
yup.
salt and peppery baby tomatoes, with red onion, garlic, cilantro, scallion, and lime.
you really can't eff it up.
but if you do?
get off the planet, kid; you're fired.
-
tacos are on the menu. they're on the schedule. they have a standing invitation.
they're very welcome and they're always appreciated.
i wasn't gonna, like i said, but i'm glad i did, and that's no joke.
***********
if these clouds clear up,
me and my damned dumb dirty dog will be headed out into the trees.
it's cold enough that the bugs might not be out.
i'll take that as a sign of what kind of a day we're likely to have.
there's plenty to do.
there's no time for all of it, so we'll prioritize, and leave the rest alone.
if you're getting my attention, and i'm giving it to you,
that says a lot.
because i'm pressed for time and i'm pushed to the limits....
i'm grateful for the folks i want to span my days with,
and i'm just as grateful when they span 'em here with me.
it's all really happening, and that's the whole point;
never quiet, never soft.....

FANCY CRUMBS

coconut lemon chai, guys.
that's something especially expert that i just stumbled upon.
and there's no going back now that it's a thing, either.
i wanted to bake up an in-absentia berfday party cake for my very best buddy,
since he's in wyoming with his family,
and i'm here, with just this F*ing dog and nobody else to celebrate with.
i figured that while he's out west trying to keep it low key on his big day,
i'd keep doing what i do, and go hard on some new-new, and get a little fancy
with it while i was at it.
here's what happened:

COCONUT. LEMON. CHAI. CAAAAAAAKE!!
neighbors, are you not reading that right?
you should be more excited about this, because it changed the way i think about cake.
mmhmmm.
unfortunately, the cold,damp, dreary, lugubrious weather distracted me just enough
that i was whole-cloth fabricating a recipe, with imprecise measurements
and eyeballed amounts-
i'll give you my best guess, and you go ahead and adjust it as you see fit, okay?
okay!
oooohhhh-kaaaaaaaaay-
-
*
CAKE IS WHAT WE BAKE!
-
preheat the oven to 350℉
-
grease two 6" springform jauns (i LOVE springforms, bro, fight me)
-
in your trusty stand-up mixer, with the cake paddle on,
cream together:
5 T vegan butter;
1/2 cup raw sugar;
1/4 tsp salt;
1/3 cup coconut yogurt;
2 'bengal spice' decaf chai tea sachets;
1 tsp vanilla;
juice of 1/2 lemon;
1/2 lemon's zest.
whip that into a frenzy-
add 2 T lemon juice to 2/3 cup non-dairy milk, set aside.
sift in;
1 tsp bakey powder;
1 tsp bakey soda;
2 cups flour;
1/2 cup medium-flake unsweetened coconut.
add the s'milk-
whisk into the fluffiest batter and spread evenly between the two pans-
bake for 30 minutes, and allow to cool completely before frosting.
SO expert.
that's lemon betterthanevercreme frosting in the middle and on the sides and top-
but it's coconut magic in the swirls-
i dunno what the eff i did to make the frosting-
there's butteish and powpowdered sugar, lemon juice, zest, vanilla.....
i frickin' winged it, man.
but, because rules is rules,
i made sure to overactivate it with heart-of-gold-glitter sugar sprankles,
lemon zest sprankles,
AND coconut sprankles on top-
because too much is the right amount,
and MORE flavors is better than less, obvi-
i doo-doo that freaky sh!t, and i do it because i love cake,
and i love my friends,
and i love making things,
and all of that is all that really ever makes me happy,
so what the eff else would i do? right?? i KNOW!!
***********
i ate pizza for lunch, again.
i'm not sorry about it.
just happy.
ha!
i had a full day of tattzaps,
with good folks whose company i enjoyed to the best of my ability.
which is harder than it sounds, kids.
really.
i've got my attention being pulled in several directions,
and i've got my affections confused with my affectations,
and i've got pizza over here, cake over there,
dudes hangin' out, other dudes workin' across from me,
and in-between, i've got all the thoughts you'd ever want,
and all the desires you'd never tell,
and the F*ing phone ringing,
and all of it is all really happening,
and it's NOT more than i can handle,
but it's NOT effortless either.
i'm working ten tiers deeper than just the tattoo,
and let's be real-
y'better be paying close attention to the THAT.
it's permanent, man, and there's little to no room for error.
so, the pizza is a comfort, and the cake helps, too.
thank goodness for great food saving the day-
without it, the days'd be a real batch of bummers;
never quiet, never soft.....

SOPA!!!

it's cold outside.

no, for real, though- it's cold.

like, y'better wear sweatshirts and long pants and socks and sh!t.

uh-huh.

y'know: cold.

also, it's wet af, too.

and cold wetness is pretty effin' terrible.

also,

i've been trying to be slightly more responsible with my diet.

that's real.

me and my dudes are trying to exercise restraint, 

and create a more health-supportive routine for ourselves.

that means MORE good plant-based whole-foods and fewer cakes and stuff like that.

what?

oh, well, yeah, man- that's NOT my favorite part,

but, i'm feeling like maybe taking down half a cake every other day 

is getting less and less sustainable, and while in the moment it's soooooo good,

i'm imagining that in the hopefully-not-too-distant future 

i'll have the opportunity to get naked near another human being,

and if they're more likely to call the sea shepherd instead to roll me back into the sea....

well, neighbors, you get the idea.

so, the cake situation has been scaled back, but not eliminated.

after all, i'm a baker and a maker and a morning person (in the mornings),

and rules is rules, always, and all the time...

yeah. it IS weird not to have thirteen kinds of cakes and cookies around-

but what's not weird is looking is having MORE energy, and feeling better,

and hopefully, with enough work and effort, looking better before too much time has passed,

and it's time to bundle up for winter again...

that said-

i ate like 7 cups of soup last night.

uh-huh.

i know it's basically just really wet vegetables,

but that's still an awful lot of food to put in your body, bro.

me and my homie dylan got into some gluttonous soup-diving,

and didn't stop until it was all gone.

check the first-round-type teleport:

I DON'T KNOW WHAT ITALIAN WEDDING SOUP IS.

i could find out............but i'm not gonna.

instead i'll call this a shotgun-eloping soup, and tell you a little bit about it.

-

it all began when i had pizza for lunch.

i didn't need it, i was even feeling ok without it; but then it showed up, 

and i ate the heck out of it like a savage stormswept starving artist.

as such, i was apprehensive about overindulging at suppertime,

and dylan suggested soup. 

which makes sense. it's cold out, it's wet out, 

soup is light and warm and that's good news, right?

right.

except,

y'boi got into some things; 

and they were heavy-duty things; 

and when the soup was all boiled and simmered and served,

it was a F*ing beast of a bowl of burliness.

i mean. c'mon, man.

look at this:

HOMEMADE SOURDOUGH HERB CROUTONS!!!

expert.

*

guys,

i had a potato, and an onion, both chopped up, 

with a fat cup of chopped cabbage, 

all sauteeing in a blop of vegan butteriness-

i tossed in two stalks of sliced celery;

two smaller carrots, one yellow, one orange, chopped up;

a handful of baby tomatoes;

a 15 oz. can of diced tomatoes;

3 cloves sliced garlic;

half a sweet potato, cubed;

and let that stuff sizzle for a spell, stirring once in a while-

then i drizzled in:

3 T white wine vinegar;

2 T tamari...

those are the liquids that'll quickly deglaze the caramelized bits-

next, i added in a handful of nootch, and heavy shakes of GPOP, 

oregano, basil, rosemary, thyme, and sage;

plus fresh parsley and basil, a few bay leaves, crushed red pepper flakes,

and a whole lotta craxxx of black pepper.

mmmhmmmm.

next up?

8 cups of better'nbouillon-based vegetable broth.

a few shakes of liquid smoke.

1 cup and a half of fancy pasta noods,

and a huge handful of baby kale,

and a lid on the pot.

it boiled, hard for a bit, and simmered soft for about as long, again.

i dunno how long-

it's soup, kid. when the potatoes are soft, it's ready, alright?

i like the pasta overdone, all extra soft and slippery, like in the olden days.

hmmm?

the olden days, bro.

like, when i was little and my nana would hook up some soup.

i didn't have a single al dente noodle in broth ever in my life.

real talk.

a few garden fresh herbs, parsley sprankles,

and those mutha-fuhhh'n croutons, b.

that's what's poppin'.

-

*

SOURDOUGH CROUTONS!!

-

two thick slices of my epic homemade sprouted whole wheat sourdough bread, cubed.

thrown in a gallon-sized plastic bag, 

with:

olive oil (enough to coat 'em);

GPOP; 

nootch;

dill;

ground mustard;

thyme;

sage;

and black pepper.

tossed, shaken, and arranged on parchment on a baking tray,

and oven roasted until toasty and crisp, at 350℉, until they're golden brown 

and sexxxy like you read about. (which you are doing right now)

*

so, soup is good food.

and it's easy and rewarding and filling, 

and there are nearly no requirements, other than to put all the stuff in a pot of liquid

i did that. we had that.

and then we had more, and then, we had MORE. and then we had MORE.

yup.

it was too good not to keep eating, so we kept eating.

too much is the right amount.

and without cakes for dessert, we had to have soup for all four courses.

.

that was some damn good soup.

***********

it's rainy and cold again, today.

i wonder what it's like out west?

why?

because my bestest friend, ever.

my spiritual other.

my main man. 

my ace numero uno duder,

the cucch,

is having a berfday today,

and it had better be a happy one, or there will be consequences.

man, oh man, do i ever miss his F*ing face.

he'd probably prefer to ignore his berfday.

yeah.

he's one of THOSE people.

and in that regard, we differ greatly.

otherwise,

he's a super-elite, molto expert, and very, very busy man-

running a business, 

and double-dadding to a pair of beautiful babies, 

hard-style husbanding to his lovely wife-

basically, he's a much more successful version of me, 

navigating an upward trajectory of awesomess.

i admire the guy.

i miss him, too.

we're apart, but we're a part of a team, too.

warrior poets and hamden warriors and Folk Life Libertarians, 

and all of the times and places and spaces and trials and triumphs we've shared.

i'm grateful for him above all others, and i make no apologies for it, either.

that's my mans, and that's the truth.

the happiest of happy berfdays is exxxactly what i want for him today;

never quiet, never soft.....

PIZZA FOREVER

y'know how to cure the monday blues?
work every day.
then, there's no mondays; or, they're all mondays,
but either way, there's no point to getting sad about going back to work,
because you're always at work.
maybe that sounds terrible to y'all, and that's cool-
relaxing and having fun sounds like my own personal hell,
so we'll just agree to disagree, and i'll go hard every day,
and you can be bummed out when the weekend is over.
anyway, today is monday, but that's nothing to me, man.
however:
yesterday, after a slew of tattblasted zipzaps,
and a long stretch of workin' and flexin' and stuntin',
i left an hour early and got deep into some things.
yup.
homemade radical expert vegan pizza is sort of my field of expertise.
and my skills don't take days off any more than the rest of me does.
check the teleport:

PEE EYE ZEE ZEE AYY!!
that's a slow-proof sprouted whole wheat dough, with added wheat germ,
just to give it that exxxtra healthy fiber upgrade.
here's the recipe:
-
*
SPROUTENWHEATENDOUGH!
-
in your dough-hook-equipped stand mixer,
knead the following all together-
1 cup sprouted wheat flour;
1 cup bread flour;
3 T wheat germ;
1 1/2 tsp salt;
3 T vegan butter;
1 pkg fast-actin' yeast;
1 tsp sugar;
1 cup not-too-hot-but-more-than-warm water,
plus 1-2+ T more if necessary-
beat it up until it's smooth and firm and fully doughfied, like 5-8 minutes,
cover the whole bowl with plastic of equivalent,
and refrigerate the whole thing all flippin' day.
y'know?
like, i made my dough at seven a.m., and let it hang out in coolness until 5,
and then spread it on my olive-oiled half-sheet pan,
and let it rise with all sorts of activated warmth while the oven reached 480℉
with the convection circulating that hot air like it was scandalous rumors, bro.
mmhmmmm.
*
that's how you doo-doo grown-man sh!t in the kitchen, neighbors.
and while that oven keeps getting hotter,
the toppings keep getting more numerous.
yeah.
too much is the right amount.
look:

that's ALL the goodness, all at once, all in one place.
wordimus prime, b.
we got pulped fire-roasted chunky tomatoes as sauce,
and that's spread over two fistfuls of baby kale,
and one big vidalia, sliced and caramelized.
tight.
then there's the drained tomato-juicy broccoli crowns.
since you've kinda gotta add liquid to make broccoli better when it's sauteeing,
so it softens properly, y'might as well use the juice from those fire-roasties, right?
i know. that's smart.
there's scallion sprankles.
there's also dry-pan-fried asparagus spears, and blackened sliced tomatoes.
how about those mushrooms?
quartered and sizzled into thick, meaty awesomeness.
a little pink salt is all i added to the pan, man.
huh?
what?
c'mon, don;t be dumb-
of COURSE i had the fattie-boombattie fried garlic sprankles.
jeez- rules is rules.
...and after it baked to a beautiful brown?
i freaked it off with radicchio ribbons and fresh-plucked basil leaves.
that's riiight.
if you ain't taking pizza to eleven, you're just taking up space in the worst way.
***********
and i'm gonna work again today.
and it's F*ing raining, so dog walking is gonna be an ordeal.
and i'm at work alone today while the pizza joint next door is closed-
that's fine, really,
but damn if we don't look closed af when there's no cars but mine in the parking lot.
it's all really happening,
and while i'm psyched to tattoo a great big hawk on ron, whoever he is,
it's not likely that the wonderful woman of my dreams is going to just show up with him
and also just happen to be looking for competent conversation
and highly-suggestive expressive facial mannerisms.
-
i've been told my face says it ALL.
i guess i throw looks all day, dudes.
and here i thought i was unreadable;
but i think that was meant as more of a correlation to a poorly written story.
hey- at least it's a true story.
ugly and honest is better, isn't it?
we'll see.
because apparently i can't disguise my delight nor my distaste.
it's all really happening and it's written all over my F*ing face;
never quiet, never soft.....

SA'TURD'AY

saturday night had me feeling worn the eff out, dudes.

uh-huh.

a full day of tattoo appointments,

with a little walk-in squeezed in, too-

after a hot and sweaty morning of exercising,

in anticipation of the summer body that has somehow eluded me every summer for decades;

which had me shimmering in overheated humidity before i even began

dragging crabtree for his pre-work constitutional,

so that by the time i got home to the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress,

for some decompression, or at least some kind of super suppertime...

....i was already all spent, used up, and worn out.

and that meant dinner was kind of a distracted attack 

on stacks upon stacks of stuff i had already.

yup.

sometimes, there's no time, man-

-

i had steak fries in the oven, baking throughout the preheat process, 

as soon as i walked in the door.

-

i shredded some slaw, because crawnchy raw veg is what your body wants-

red cabbage, radicchio, green cabbage, carrot, and scallions, 

with a lil crackle of himalayan salt,

and a small blop of vegenaise to dress it up.

-

and then, of course, i made a FAT sandwich, like the fat pig within me demanded.

check the teleport:

WORD.

huh?

well,

yeah. i'm guilty, neighbors.

that IS ketchup.

organic agave jauns, with sriracha, and liquid smoke, and just a touch of tamari.

i KNOW, i know i know-

ketchup is for A*-holes.

and also, That's What Poor People Do.

i've been feeling impoverished of character, 

and i guess i subconsciously acted accordingly.

but,

that sandwich, though.

for reals.

so many good things packed into one spot,

ready for my big fat mouth to bite-rip-tear-gnash and masticate 

like the savage stormswept shark-glutton we know me to be...

yep.

look closer at this thick, greasy, sunovabtchin' burly beast:

yikes!

that's a lotta stuff.

and that's what happens when i dunno what's happening.

ha.

we got pan-toasted olive-oiled homemade sourdough bread.

we got lettuce, and AVO-F*ING-CADO, and charred cabbage, too.

then, there's that smoky chick-pea-flour-crusted savory fried tofu.

yumyumYUM-

seriously, guys- garam flour, GPOP, smoked paprika, parsley, 

and freshly-cracked black pepper, on exxxtra-firm slabs of tufu, fried up,

all exxxtra-crispy on the surface, but still soft and steamy in the centers.

that's expert af, and that's what made my flippin' night.

then there's pickles and caramelized onions, 

just to really make it a heaping mountain of excess.

too much is the right amount, 

and everything else is a waste of time.

my best work? nope. missed that mark by a mile.

i actually kind of took it easy, and didn't even actually eat everything.

i know, right?!

what a little diaper baby.

-

and right after dinner, the crabby-boi and i were out in town, making our rounds, 

in a big loop through the village center.

that's our thing, man.

we digest our day, and our food, and try to find nourishment from both.

then he poops on something, and i give him a cookie,

and that's all pretty good stuff.

***********

time is ticking and tocking away,

and every day,

i'm up earlier and earlier, 

and it feels like i'm getting less and less done...

i get home and i'm tired.

like, actually tired.

and then i cook, and i give the dog his due attention,

and by the time it's finally dark,

i'm done for.

that's not my style, friends.

did i turn actually all-the-way old?

or is 4 am too early to wake up every day?

or is staying up late texting from this old haunted house getting to me?

probably everything, all at once.

the thing is-

my routine is solidified- 

it's as heavy as cement, and just as dense. 

it's all really happening, 

and there's got to be room for a little MORE.

i mean, c'mon.

there's so many things to DO.

so many things to MAKE.

i wanna produce quality content,

even if contentment never settles in.

that's all.

no sleep, no worries, no problem-

all i want is MORE of everything all the time every day until 

the day i die in the far flung future-

i don't see how that's unreasonable;

never quiet, never soft.....

SPRANKLES!

i figured i'd celebrate june with a little rainbow pride month magic.

i mean, c'mon.

sprankles are the best.

and i want 'em on just about everything.

which is why i made a little single layer cake-

...just to have something to get sprank'd on.

and it's a rainbow of deliciousness, and it's also coconut,

which just happens to rank very high on my list of best things.

mmhmmm.

take a quick look at what's poppin':

YEAH!!

neighbors, a coconut cake is a glorious thing, provided you don't eff up the texture.

that means the order of operations, and the type of coconut are very very important.

i know you guys don't wanna make some budget-A* bullsh!t,

so first and foremost, skip that suckbomb sulphured chewy shredded stuff.

y'know?

yep, 

avoid that stuff if you're smart-

on the ones: that's dumdum coconut, and it's NOT invited to my makeout parties.

however, 

medium flake unsweetened natural bits are totally ON the menu,

and should be purchased in bulk whenever possible 

so that you've got a backup supply, and a backup for your backup.

too much is the right amount.

that's real.

i like a nice treat on the first of the month.

that's kind of my thing.

which is why i was up early early baking cake and whipping frosting.

uh-huh.

i do that.

you want this particular coconut cake recipe?

you DO?

ok. here:

-

*

COCONUT CAKE!

-

preheat your oven to 350℉

-

grease a 9" springform pan (that's my move, buddy) 

-

in your outstanding stand mixer, cream up:

2/3 cup sugar;

1/4 cup brown sugar;

2 tsp vanilla;

1 tsp coconut essential extract;

1/2 tsp salt;

1/2 cup vanilla unsweetened coconut yogurt;

1/2 cup (a.k.a.1 stick, a.k.a 8T) vegan butter.

add:

1/2 cup coconut flakes;

and whisk again.

pour in 1 cup carton-style coconut milk,

and, that's right, whip it even MORE.

now, add:

2 1/2 cups flour;

2 tsp bakey powder;

1 tsp bakey soda;

1/4 cup tapioca starch.

whip it into a frenzy,

spread it evenly in your cake pan,m

and bake it for like 37 minutes.

does that seem arbitrary? it is. 

bake it until it's thoroughly done, dudes;

and then let it cool to room temperature on a wire rack.

-

the frosting is pretty standard stuff:

3 cups powdered sugar;

1 stick vegan butts;

1 tsp vanilla;

3 T powdered coconut flakes (pulverized in your spice grinder);

1/3 cup lowfat coconut milk.

for realsies, that's all there is to it.

and then y'gotta hit it with the double-sprank.

stars and standard dashes.

they're gross, but they're expert,

and they do their job every time.

***********

i took my damned dumb dog for a sweaty bug-bitten bummer of a walk yesterday.

then, i did it again after work,

only with indian food awaiting me at the car.

uh-huh.

take-away and parking lot picnic time 

was the only way i could think of to welcome june to dinner.

and i'll tell you what-

spicy potatoes and peas and fried garam blops 

and weird bread were exxxactly what i needed.

hot, humid nights, with hot, humid food, for my sweaty face.

ugh.

what can i say?

i like the spice, and i like the nights, and while crabtree and i are all alone,

we're also outside, and out alongside the summertime vacation vibes, man.

nobody who is also walking around town is unhappy.

they're experiencing something resembling joy-

i'm experiencing my dog pooping and getting tired.

it's not the same, but it is the truth.

they're relaxing, and we're working at wearing ourselves down.

*

i'm not shy.

and i don't really ever feel ashamed.

that's the thing about thinking about what you're doing before you do it.

that's the thing about personal rational self-interested pro-active participation.

that's the thing about a head's up, eyes-open informed decision-making process.

y'feel me on this?

think about what you're doing, and why, 

and make an assessment of the value of the investment. 

then what the eff do you have to be shy or ashamed or worried about?

i think about that whenever i'm faced with meeting new people.

sure, i sometimes get embarrassed, but not really.

i mean, 

for sure, i'm old, i'm busted, i'm bald, 

and things are most likely only going to continue sliding downhill faster

as time marches on-

but i still show up every damned day with confidence and charisma.

that's weird, right? 

yeah, i know. but the mantra is:

stay ugly, stay dope, dude.

like, what else would i even do?

and besides, rules is rules.

what's more,

i'm a generally outspoken advocate for the things i like and only the things i like, 

which are admittedly few; 

and i'm otherwise a big blustery blowhardy loudmouth critic about everything else,

which is literally everything else.

i look how i look, 

which is half cultivated and curated personal style,

and the rest being nature's idea of a test of endurance-

for real: how much like a female orangutan can one man look?

(the males have those brazil nuts on the sides of their face, and i'm not about that life)

we're finding out a little more every day...

no, really, nature, thanks for the eight foot long arms- 

i mean, 

who wouldn't want world-record spaghetti-noodles sprouting from their shoulders?

and while i exercise so i don't blarp out, because i'm not gonna eat less cake, bro.

it's not like i'm body building, so i'm certainly not showing off.

i even color coordinate my clothes so i'll look like i give half of a sh!t-

on the ones, shouldn't your tattoo artist be paying attention to little details? 

....right??!

and while i'm maybe a little insecure about my perpetually unfortunate haircut situation,

that's more for professional appearances and maxxxmized income generation 

than general embarrassment at this ever-expanding scalp:hairline ratio.

you get what you get, you feel how you feel, you like what you like.

being shy isn't gonna get you anywhere.

i'll be at the studio all weekend, just like every weekend, just like every flippin' day.

i'm ready and willing to interact with any and everyone, 

and all of y'all are more than welcome to have a slice of cake with me.

let's talk about something,

let's talk about everything,

let's be open and honest and upfront and see where that takes us;

never quiet, never soft.....

RABBBBIT-RABBBBIT!!

the first words out of my mouth?
rabbit, rabbit!
yup.
obvi.
rules is rules.
and it's the first of the month, man;
which means that that's the first order of business,
no matter what.
you say the nmagic F*ing words, nerds,
or you risk bringing in the jinx.
and if you don't believe in jinxes,
then you kinda deserve all the jinxes you end up with, bro.
real talk.
but me?
i'm not tryin' to eff my own A* through neglect and dereliction, dudes.
no way.
so i said it, spoke, and spat, and sprayed the syllables into the sky,
summoning all the good vibes and positive energy
and fortunate flavorful fresh-to-deathness down from out of the secret universal aether,
so that i can bask and bathe and super-saturatedly soak in the bold gold
of a sorcerer's spell for success.
y'know?
ha!
*
ANYway,
it was thai thursday again.
...yeah.
it shows up, like, once a week which is kinda neat.
and this time,
even though i LOVE the spicy noods,
and would normally boil up a big ol' batch of those slippery suckers-
i went for a big action-activated buddha bowl instead.
check the teleport:

IT'S A GIANT BUCKET OF AWESOME!
no.
for real, though.
there's about a cup and a half of jasmine rice on the bottom.
that's good.
in a very hot pan, with a fat scoop of raw coconut oil,
i fried up half a sweet potato, cut into wedges,
until two out of three sides of each were browned.
that's good, too.
i toasted some cashews, for sexxxin' up the bowl at the end.
i even got out the red and green lettuce leaves,
shredded some purple cabbage,
sliced up cucumber and radish and purple carrot,
sliced into a jalapeno, some green onions, and lots of cilantro,
plus got the small leaves form some fresh basil,
all for spranklin',
and turned up the taste and the heat and the sweet to eleven.
and that was before i added the spinach, celery, onion, scallion tips, carrot, and peppers
to the sweet potatoes, and they all got fried up in the sriracha garlic ginger sauce, man.
mmmmmhmmmmm.
the sauce had it poppin'-
as most thai-style jauns in the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress usually do-
-
*
SAUCE!
-
2 T sriracha;
2 T mae ploy;
1/2 tsp GPOP, ground coriander seed, dried ginger, dried basil, dried cilantro;
1/2" skin-on organic ginger bulb, minced;
3 cloves sliced garlic;
1 tsp sesame sossamon seeds;
2 tsp sesame oil;
2 T rice vinegar;
2 T tamari;
2 T lime juice.
when you've got a good sauce, you can't go wrong.
no need to measure the veggies.
just ask yourself: how hungry am i?
and then make a little bit MORE than that.
too much is the right amount, and that's the truth.
what else?
i'll tell you what else:
AVO-F*ING-CADO, neighbors!!!
yuuuuuuuppppppp.
that's how you doo-doo the really real doo-doo, dude.
yeah!
***********
any day in june, goon.
that's what i keep telling myself.
any day is the day.
and every day is the right day.
and today is the first one of 'em.
this is it.
it's still always all really happening,
with or without your consent, even.
the only real choice that matters is:
how invested and involved are you in the processes of your own life?
worthy warrior poets, and activated active participants,
are the only ones invited to my makeout parties, y'heard?
no spectators, passengers, procrastinators, or know-nothin'-do-nothin' poop butts.
i mean, c'mon-
i said: rabbit rabbit.
now lets's attract some excessively expert awesomess;
never quiet, never soft....