BARBECUE SAUCE!!!!!

guys,
i did it!
i successfully endured the week's tattoo schedule.
as a point of interest in my actual career:
i have been using fewer and fewer prepared images.
no, i'm not bragging. not at all.
i'm just letting you know that i feel like i do my best work in the clutch,
on the spot, thinking and moving on the go.
and making it all up in the moment.
sure,
it's mostly working for me because i've been tattooing flowers,
and dragons, and letters,
and other other stuff i've been drawing from memory for decades,
but,
i think there's still something to be said for the off-the-cuff, on-the-fly,
intensive inventiveness of creating permanence without premeditation.
like, something i should say, specifically is:
thank you, everybody...
...for trusting me enough,
or for being too nervous to speak up about the process,
or for being so indifferent that you weren't even impressed a little-
haha.
whatever the reason the time we spanned got to happen the way it did,
i'm grateful for it, and i appreciate it,
and i sure as heckfire hope you're happy now that you have
your portion of the program imbedded in perpetuity...
awwwww, shucks.
that almost sounds a little like i like what i do.
hey!
hold on, now.
let's not get head of ourselves.
i'm lucky to do what i do for work,
but it's still only half as rewarding as dinner.
hmmmmmm?
oh, i'm totally serious.
especially when my favorite sexy semolina circles are on the schedule.
yuuuuuuup.
last night was a pizza party,
and there ain't no other party out there i'm more likely to ever attend.
i LOVE pizza.
i say that a lot, because i feel it in my heart.
and the pizza scene over here was really loud, fresh, and hard,
despite a few situational setbacks leading up to the big moment.
uh-huh.
i hurt my back, badly.
like,
partially panicked at the pain level,
and coming up short of breath from forgetting to breathe
while gritting and grunting through the day.
shoutouts to old man body.
awwwwwwwww.
and,
i worked later than usual, so dinner was started at an hour
when i normally would have already eaten and cleaned up and settled in.
here's the thing, though-
PIZZA IS expert NO MATTER WHAT OR WHEN!
that's a fact.
so, i rolled up my sleeves and hobbled over to the stove,
and made myself a perfect pizza pie.
check the teleport:

BARBECUE TOFU!!!!
neighbors,
i had two  totally different, but completely complementary, sexxxy sauces!
yup.
double the dopeness, and twice the terrific.
you know the rules-
too much is the right amount.
so don't come up to the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress with a message of moderation.
now way, bro.
there's only two words with which to respond to that:
NOT INVITED.
the classic crushed tomatoes were upgraded with spices, and sweetness,
and ho'sauce, for a tangy, zippy, zimzalabim of hurricane hottness for everybody.
yeah-
that's 4 T of crushies,
plus cumin, coriander, basil, and smoked paprika.
plus a dash of smoked sea salt,
a few drops of liquid smoke,
a squeeze of molasses,
a splash of apple cider vinegar,
and a shot of GPOP.
mmmmmmmm.
it was smoky, surprisingly.
oh, c'mon- i'm playin'.
but, real talk?
as far as basic bases go, that's one for the diary.
-
daiya mozzarella, and daiya cheddar chee' make it all better.
so,
do that whenever you're going rogue on the savory 'za flavors.
-
caramelized onions are pretty much essential to my pizza process.
if they're not on it, you can bet there are some kind of onions taking up the slot.
they may not ever be able to take their place,
and while i don't normally order them when i'm eating pizza elsewhere,
whenever i'm here(which happens to be almost always)
i gotta brown up some thinly-sliced sexxxiness for my F*ing face.
rules is rules.
as is the rule about fried garlic sprankles.
if you don't got 'em, go get 'em, or prepare yourself for a B-.
y'cant go to eleven without the spranks, kid.
trust me.
*jalapenos? that's a win.
a blast of post-bake chopped cilantro leaf? another win.
*ho'sauce drizzles? you win again!
* tomatoes, just because? still a victory
*tiny crispy baconish bitsies? WINNER WINNER PIZZA DINNER!!!
all the aspects of expertism, on one semolina circle.
the dough was crisp, and i didn't apply it directly to the oven-stone.
nope.
i used a pan, grandma style.
there's no shame in that.
without the sourdough element,
the dough is a bit more fragile after a few days,
so a little help is appreciated,
and repaid with golden goodness in the hotbox.
that's synergy, son.
...
but, really,
it's that barbecued tofu that brings the heat.
yup.
half a block's worth of small cubes,
in hot oil, seared and sealed,
before getting activated with Garlic Powder and Onion Powder,
and cumin,
and coriander seed,
and smoked paprika,
all swirled around in a heavy squeeze of organic ketchup
and a shot of agave to caramelize it all while it spat and sputtered
in that spicy and ferocious oil...
huh?
oh, i know, dudes.
ketchup.
damn.
i apologize on behalf of most of me.
...but my tongue is unrepentant.
that stuff tasted absolutely awesome.
***********
pizza is the best medicine.
well, that, and ibuprofen.
holy crap, friends-
my leg is numb from this lower back attack.
yuck.
getting old, falling apart, having a tough time,
and STILL bringing the noise at work and at home?
that's what you do.
at least, if you're doing it right.
hard feelings, hurt feelings, heart failings, and health frailing
isn't going to stop you,. if you don't want to be stopped.
will anything get better?
mayyyyyyybe.
will everything else get worse?
if experience has taught me anything? yeah. it all always does.
it's all really happening, anyway.
limping through the hills with crabtree,
half-falling every other step,
wincing while standing still...
that's just what happens now i guess.
he doesn't need less exercise because i'm hurt.
i won't make fewer treats because it's painful to stand up.
the objective is MORE.
excuses don't actually excuse you.
they're just reasons why you quit.
don't do that;
never quiet, never soft.....

MAPLE SEASON!!!

real maple syrup.

yup.

that's the stuff.

don't ever front on me, and bring that weak b!tchsap to the table.

on the ones,

a sucka might get catch a slap for that.

mmhmm.

but,

the real real stuff?

heck yeah.

that's what's up.

and right now, in northern new england,

it's sugaring season,

which means we've got that freshie-fresh everywhere,

and it'd almost be a damned shame if we weren't making the most 

of this distilled sweet sugar-house hottness.

i know i'm participating.

in fact,

i'm representing treeblood SO HARD right now.
y'know what i like the flavor of?
apples.
y'know what else?
cinnamon.
y' know what else-else?
maple F*ing syrup.
c'mon man.
that one was a gimme.
i don't like to stay out of the kitchen for too long,
i also mean that in the 'can't stand the heat' way, too.
but, for practically applicable purposes,
i mostly mean that i need more cake in my life.
...and if i'm not gonna make it, then who is?
right?
i'd hoped that repeated gestures of genuine and general generosity
would inspire my 'colleagues' to get into the spirit of active participation.
regrettably,
in this instance, it has only elicited a sense of entitlement,
and an expectation to receive,
without ever giving back even so much as half a sh!t.
.....and i'm disappointed, dudes.
i do the things i do, because that's what i think is the right thing.
but, i'm still a person with feelings an' that.
for realsies,
a little appreciation goes a long way.
yuck.
and still, i bring the treats,
if only to impress my clients with another 'nother example
of competency and capability,
and to maybe give a firsthand sample of compassionate culinary creativity
to folks who don't expect to be provided with snacks,
let alone vegan magical ones...
ha.
that's how it is around here, so that's how it goes around here.
*
ANYway,
i made a cake.
it used three apples.
it used cinnamon.
and naturally, it used real new hampshire maple syrup.
WORD.
check it out:

CINNAMAPLE-APPLE!!!!!!!
yum yum YUM.
you may want to have some of this.
if so,
i suggest you strap in, because it'll blow your mind,
and knock your socks off.
here's the 411:
-
*
CAKE!!!
-
3/4 cup sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
1 stick + 2 T butterish;
2 tsp vanilla;
1 tsp cinnamon;
1/4 tsp nutmeg;
dash of ginger;
^mashed into one cohesive mass,
plus:
2 apples, peeled, cored, and minced;
3/4 cup non-dairy yogurt;
2 1/3 cups of a.p. flour,
sifted with 2 T cornstarch;
2 tsp bakey powpow;
1 tsp bakey soda;
1/4 cup dark maple syrup;
1 cup non-dairy milk.
whisk and whip that together, by hand,
to keep those knobbly apple bits all a-chunkin',
and add the batter to two greased and floured 9" round cake pans.
BUT,
here's the thing-
slice another 'nother apple, and radially arrange it on the bottom of one of those jauns.
yeah!
now, when you bake it, for 33 minutes, at 360F,
one of those cakes has flippably fresh apples on 'top'.
expert.
when they're out of the oven,
and cooled for 5 or so minutes,
turn 'em out onto a wire rack to cool completely,
before you frost 'em up.
*
FROSTING!
-
2 cups powdered sugar;
4 T vegan butts;
2 1/2 T vegan creamchee;
cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger;
vanilla;
maple exxxtract;
3 T maple syrup;
1-3 T non-dairy milk, depending on consistency.
whisk that in a mixer or with a hand mixer, or whatever,
and get ready,
because it's SO DOPE.
-
and just to turn it up a bit, like, all the way to eleven,
like i am wont to do so often,
i  even hit it off with some cinnamon and sugar sprankles.
the apple's juice dissolved it everywhere but on the crumb.
and that's pretty.
...and pretty tastes better.
at least, it does if it would've been delish when it was ugggggly.
that's a thing
that's a lotta apple.
and a lotta cinnamon.
and it's pretty effin' sweet.
and very soft and spongy.
and despite apples being more of an autumnal thing?
it tastes like spring.
huh/
well, as a matter of fact-
yes,
it IS snowing again.
hahahahaha'aaaaaaawwwwwww.....
sh!tty.
nature wins one more time.
it's fine.
i'm making macaroons.
why not use the exxxpensive ingredients for these ingrates?
it's almost like i'm trying to make myself angry.
we'll see how the day unfolds,
and if these coconutty nubs can overpower the pure sh!t of a terrible tuesday.
my fingers are crossed, and i'm feeling cross;
never quiet, never soft.....

PIZZA PERFECTION!!!

pizza two nights in a row?!?!?

F* yeah!

i LOVE pizza.

you know that.

i don't get bummed out about eating pizza, ever.

it's too good.

i think of it as medicine,

in the 'let thy food be....' sense.

lately, friends,

my cooking has been a welcome distraction.

life is always in flux, if you're doing it right.

the regimented routine of my life is necessary,

but just to keep some sort of grounded landmarks along the path of

my organic creased and crumpled secret universal blueprints.

y'know?

like,

the hills and valleys, peaks and pits, high, lows, and swerving curves

of a non-linear progressive journey through days and nights

and weeks, as they wax and wane through months and years,

need some familiar points of reference.

so,

i do the things is always do- 

tha's the way to stay focused while everything else fluctuates

through good fortune and hard styles.

there are always changes happening, even in the midst of the sourest, dourest ennui.

that's a fact.

and cooking, 

especially in the midst of the drudgery of slow-going through fast times,

has been of huge help in punctuating each rotation through time and space.

what i'm sayin', simply, is ,

THANK HEAVENS FOR PIZZA,

without the little things, 

which also happen to be the brightest spots,

and the purest joys,

i doubt anybody, especially me, could cope with time passing more and more rapidly,

while everything in the future somehow still takes forever to materialize.

except for supper.

that happens right when it's supposed to.

and pizza,

with all it's preheating,

is a good example of patience bringing rewards-

even with the dough cold-proofing, and ready at a moment's notice;

even as the onions caramelize while the baking stone 

soaks up british thermal units inside the hot box;

even though the multitasking is essential, and efficient,

it still requires patience, while all of it marches toward the final, 

ooey, gooey, crisp-crusted crescendo.

i think about that a lot.

because i've had plans underway for ages that still haven't preheated enough yet.

if they turn out as awesome as pizza, i'll be more than pleased.

uh-huh.

in the meantime,

there is pizza, and pizza is good for you.

check the teleport:

PEE EYE ZEE ZEE AYY!!!!!

how do you ring in a new month?

i hope it's with a direct-fired, cornmeal-peel-prepared circle of LIFE.

broskis, my favorite pizza topping combo is this one

brussels, baconish, and caramelized onions!

with crushed tomatoes, 

and daiya mozzarella

and black pepper,

and a whole lotta love.

dope,

oh, and grape tomatoes. 

and fried garlic sprankles,

...obvi.

rules is rules.

but, 

then there's parsley and radicchio up on there, as well.

mmmhmmmm.

a little fresh, a little bitter, and a whole lot of expert.

dudes!

it's a F*ing symbolic slice of saucy superiority.

that's some sort of semolina shamanism, if ever there was any.

and neighbors,

the next night?

as in, last night?

uh-huh.

even though i ate enough for two days at breakfast,

i still got it poppin' with MORE PIZZA:

KABOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!

hand-tossed thin crust wizardry is how it has to be.

steamed and seared broccoli?

yes!

rainbow sweeeeeeet peppers?

heck yes!!

caramaleized onions?

you know it.

fried garlic sprankles.

mandatory.

but, 

what about sunflower seeds?!

what?

what-whaaaaaat??

YES.

and they are dope on pizza.
-
two nights of awesomeness.
the same thing, but not the same, but still both spot on.
can we apply that to what's happening in the real world around me?
it's not all the same, but it is.
the trick is to make the new as good, or better than the old.
never worse, never backwards, and never ever any less.
too much is the right amount.
that's a thing.
the new hottness,
a little tried and true terrificness,
a whole fresh batch of pizza,
and a determined stance on improving and enjoying today, tonight,
tomorrow, and every damned minute in before and after.
damn.
that's tough,
but that's What Is;
never quiet, never soft.....

BIG BIG!!!

THE BIG B.
oh yeah, man.
that's what's up.
that enormous breakfast exxxplosion,
the one that removes the weak sauce from the heavy mettle.
no joke.
only the realest, hungriest, shark-gluttonous-iest appetites
can usually get down to the nitty-grits of a humongous helping
of wholesome hottness at the level-eleven magnitude.
and i am that dude.
........word.
breakfast by myself?
don't mind if i do.
too much of everything?
OBVI.
don't be dumb. neighbors.
i'm not about to cheap out and chump myself on some reasonably-sized helpings.
no way.
when i want the BIG B.
nothing but complete overkill wills suffice.all told,
guys,
i ate eleven pancakes.
well, ok.
maybe they weren't incredibly huge....
but there were still more than ten of them!
like,
after i cleared my plate, i refilled my plate,
and cleared it again.
rules is rules, julle naaiers.
and you stay until the thing is done.
and you know how i doo-doo that brekkie sh!t?
like this:

EASY EASY EASY LIKE SUNDAY MORNING!!!!!!
friends,
my pancake game is strong.
and that's no joke.
make some of my custom signature jauns for yourself if you don't believe me.
but, once you bite into one,
you'll be forced to eat crow along with that delicious pancake.
-
*
COCONUT-OATMEAL PANNIECAKES!
1 cup a.p. flour, sifted;
1/4 cup fresh-ground dry unsweetened coconut;
1/4 cup fresh-ground whole oat flour;
1/2 tsp salt;
1 1/2 tsp bakey powder
1 tsp bakey soda;
3 T sugar;
whisk all that noise into a cohesive, blended batch of dry ingredients,
and stir in:
3-4 T melted vegan butterish;
3 T vegan sour cream,
or 2 eggs' worth of replacement equivalent;
1 cup non-dairy milk + 1 T lemon juice;
1 tsp vanilla;
^^^^^^^^^
rest the batter for an hour.
the oats and coconut will soak up some liquid,
so you may have to gently add a little more 'milk,
before you start pouring batter onto a hot pan.
or,
if you're expert,
into cookie-cutter pancake molds, for maxxximum cuteness.
that's what i'd do (as you can see).
once you activate those hotties with real maple syrup,
and not that poor person brown corn poop slime,
you'll have a veritable victory of victual vistuosity in your mouth.
that's IT!
*
...and what about another 'nother waffle-fried hashbrown?
yuuuuuuuuuuuuup.
just peeled shredded potato, and onion, and oil, and time,
in that dent-making 360 degree hot press.
DOPE.
with himalayan pink salt, for secret nutrients,.
and scallion sprankles for the children,
like wu-TANG, y'feel me?
yeah!!
-
and tofu scrambo is also a delight.
with brox, and tomatoes?
c'mon,
hmm?
yeah, those are parsley sprankles.
that's how you do it, buddy.
-
brick-hued faux-baconical store-bought canada-style circles?
i'm guilty as charged..
i think they taste kinda good, man.
i had 'em, i used 'em, i enjoyed 'em.
i'm not ashamed.
i will eat the heck out of a little bad-for-me,
if it's couched in all that GOODNESS everywhere else.
yins and yangs, bro.
that's a thing.
***********
breakfast IS important,
but the act of making it is where the poetry lies.
fancy homemade custom fluffers, shaped like hearts?
c'mon.
anybody can add water to the pre-measured laziness-
there's just one problem with that:
box mix is for jerks.
real talk.
yep,
even though i had that pretend bacon on my plate,
i'm still gonna speak out against the box.
i can't hang out.
also, i feel like we've lost touch with making things.
also also,
homemade tastes better.
also also also,
it's as important as breakfast to be an active participant.
the more we do,
the better we get,
and the better we get,
the better what we do becomes.
it's progress.
it's additive, cumulative,
turning initiative into the superlative.
it's all really happening.
at least, as much as you make it.
don't settle for less,
if we won't do the big action deluxxxe hottness for ourselves,
why would anybody else.
behave like you know you deserve the best.
........and then do even better;
never quiet, never soft.....

RULES!

you must make a treat on the first of the month.
that's what i tell myself.
and i like to set attainable goals for myself,
so that i can feel like i'm getting something worth a sh!t accomplished.
in this case,
it involved the rest of my practically perfect pastry dough,
a tart tin,
and some stovetop activation.
mmmhmmmm.
you MUST make a treat on the first of the month.
rule is rules.
what's more,
i don't want just any old and busted whatever to ring in the big day.
no way.
that's lazy.
i want some hottness that brings the lightning and the fire to bear,
so that we know we're celebrating the new calendar page in style.
that's real.
what better way to do that tha with the two greatest tastes to ever team up?
i mean,
seriously,
if you don't get down with chocolate and peanut butter,
you probably don;t actually get down at all.
so,
without any more chatter,
check the rabbit-rabbit-type teleport:

TARTS AND STARS!!!
neighbors,
this mutha is one tasty, thick, rich, deviously dense, soft,
and fudgy fresh-to-deathly circle of pure-being expertism.
no joke.
it's really intense.
like,
that slice right there had me feeling the full effect of overindulgence.
hmm?
well, yeah,
i still had another right after.
c'mon,
too much is the right amount, man.
the fillings, in order of simplicity,
were created as follows:
*
chocolate fudge
-
1/2 cup chocolate chips;
1/3 tub vegan creamchee';
3 T powdered sugar;
3 T soymilk;
vanilla.
^ that's al there was to it,
heated until thoroughly combined.
and swirled into that prebaked crust alongside the other
-
*
peanut butter fudge
-
1/3 tub vegan creamchee';
1/4 cup soymilk;
vanilla;
1/4 cup peanut butter +/-;
3 T powdered sugar.
.......
guys,
it'a a two-pot no-brainer.
the crust will need to be weighted, as you'll be baking it empty.
and that tends to buckle and shrink it up super hard.
so,
weight it down with something bake-proof.
some people have those pie weight chains.
those are very cool.
alas,
i don't have one, so i used glass halfsie-marbles.
yup.
just because.
they worked great.-
on top of my treasure, i had to hit it up with crushed peanuts,
and some shaved chocolate truffle sprankles, too.
more treats,
more decorations,
more of everything.
that's the only way to say hello to april,
or may,
or any of the others, for that matter.
....and how about those butter-crunchy stars on top??
word up.
they're s'k'yooooooooooooooooooot!!!
just so you know,
i like my treats to be cute as a button.
yep.
ugly food is never invited over.
***********
you must make a treat on the first of the month.
that's the only way.
you say the words.
you bake the thing.
you do all that you mus to incubate some awesome in the hours available.
intentional active participation, neighbors.
that's what's up.
get into it,
get after it,
get on it,
get with it'
get going.
it's all really happening, with or without you-
but i'll be it's better WITH you;
never quiet, never soft.....

FOOLS.

i pity the fools today.
every day, really, in true mr. T fashion, minus the mohawk and gold.
but, today is the day for practical jokery ,
which i like way less than actual jokes.
yesterday, however,
was the last day of march.
and it was not dope.
nope.
not at all.
dinner, however,
was truly the savior of an otherwise disappointing day.
i'm serious.
half my clients cancelled,
due to the suckiness of our new england weather.
...shoutouts to snowstorms...
and the day was not as profitable or enjoyable as was promised.
bummer.
what's more,
i had no idea what to do for dinner until i'd been home for a bit.
then, it hit me.
march came in like a jerk, and went out like an A*-hole,
but that just sparked a little thought in my big ol' brain.
what?
you know it, and you like it:
marzo italiano arrivederci!!!!
right?
yeah!!!
heading in and stepping out on some similar sh!t.
....smart.
neighbors,
i had all the right ingredients.
i had all the right techniques.
all i needed was to DO it.
i think that's been a recurring theme in every aspect of my life.
where to begin?
at dinner, where the need was pressing presently.
word.
check out the soup-and-such-type teleport:

TORTELLINI ECCELLENTE!!!!
oh MAN!
these were the best ones yet.
that's a thing.
50/50 semolina/white flour dough,
with salt and olive oil and water,
kneaded, rested, rolled and cut......
that's homeamde hottness at it's finest.
but, the filling, kids.
THAT'S some good-good from beyond tomorrow.
real talk.
here's the 411:
-
*
BUTTERNUT SUNFLOWER SEED TORTELLINI FILLING!
1/2 small yellow onion, minced,
sauteed in olive oil,
with 1 cup minced butternut squash.
3  sunflower seeds;
a blast of GPOP;
a similarly sized blast of nutritional yeast;
1 T fire-roasted tomato flakes;
molto molto craxxx of black pepper;
a dash of crushed rosemary;
a dusting of thyme;
a shake of nutmeg;
plenty of salt (to taste);
and 3 T water to steam up and sizzle out all that stuff
after the sauteing sweats the onions.
then, add in 3 T finely chopped daiya mozzarella.
HOLY SMOKES!!!
this stuff tasted so good, i kept nibbling at it while i worked.
luckily, it'll be enough for over 30 torties, buddy.
but, i only made, and ate 26.
ha!
what?
because i ate all the rest of the filling, man!
jeez, take it easy.
i'm no quitter, i'ma hard-hittin' tortellini terrorizer,
and i don't stop until the job is done
serioulsy.
-
oh, yeah-
and then, there's the soup.
mmmmm.
a good broth is key to enjoying tortellini to their fullest.
check it:
-
*
MINESTRA!!!
-
1/4 onion, in thin strips;
with 1 clove crushed garlic,
and 2 cloves sliced garlic,
caramelized in olive oil;
plus,
1 1/2 cups vegetable broth;
GPOP &  black pepper,
1 T fire-roasted tomato flakes;
1/4 cup tiny cubed butternut squash.
^^^ how simple is that???
-
now, you gotta fold and rest your 'llinis.
then, you're gonna need to boil 'em until they float,
in salty water, for as long as that takes...
in the meantime,
mince up some parsley,
shred some fennel, and sea the sh!t out of it.
reserve some of it's fronds for garnish, too-
toast a few more sunflower seeds,
and blacken some sweet baby grape tomatoes.
all those extras?
that's the right way to activate a meal.
too much IS the right amount.
and sprankles make everything better.
facts.
***********
this is it.
april is for fools,
and for showers.
i like the hot kind, not the snow kind.
also,
i resent all the suffering that seeps into and soaks through my skin and bones.
therefore, i will never suffer fools, even april ones, gladly.
no more of that, thank you very much.
instead, i want that good ol' really real worthy warrior big action:
the competent, confident, committed, capable, culpable, communicative,
creative, compassionate, considerate cooperation that cultivates coincidences
and capital ideas of the first order.
word up.
is that what's happening?
i hope so.
is that what i'm working towards
heck yes.
success is subjectively measured,
but only when the objectives aren't well defined.
i've said it, i mean it, it's documented and decreed-
that warrior poetry is what i'm on about,
and everything else is a fool's errand;
never quiet, never soft.....

RABBIT!!!! RAAAAAABBIT!!!!!!!

a mouthful of magic words is no match for the mean and miserable
march into april's foolishness.
neighbors,
yet again,
just to prove a point, i presume...
...despite nobody contesting her supremacy-
nature wins.
hard.
and yeah, friends,
it's the first of the month.
the premier.
the debut.
the big reveal.
opening day.
and one thing is clear.
rules is rules.
how do i know?
because of the onslaught of F*ery falling from the sky.
if that's not some april fools sh!t,
then what the holy heck will it take to qualify?
ha. ha.
y'got me good, nature.
snow on top of snow, heavy,. sticky, slippery, cold, bold,
getting old, and freshly driven right up to my sills and jambs.
...out like a lamb, they said.
i've seen no evidence to support that.
other than maybe it could be because i feel like i've been fleeced,
and outside,
it's as white as snow.
the good news?
this A*-hole weather means we get one more mutha-effin' snow day.
and that means that today, at least, ANYthing can happen.
of course,
because it's also worldwide prank day, i doubt it'll be something good.
awwwwwww.
*
did i do the thing?
man, c'mon.
you know i do the thing.
that's how it goes.
the first words of the first day of every damned month.
i spoke 'em out loud.
i repeated myself again when i reopened my eyes after a little rest.
that's what we do when it's a new page on the calendar, kids.
the mantra, the summons, the spoken spellcast of fortuitous attraction.
yup.
say it with me:
rabbit! rabbit!
that's the stuff.
-
so, to recap,
it's snowing. a lot.
it's the first of the month.... again, and too soon.
it's the trickiest day of the year, at least, without any treats.
but,
then again,
i'm not some weak-sauce diapery doo-doo butterball,
so there actually ARE treats.
yeah!!
the treats game has been tight lately.
which is weird, honestly,
since i've been feel pressed and pressured for time and space.
shoutouts to delivering the delights despite not being delighted!
i guess i'm just making diamonds out of coal, or whatever.
anyway.
the last treat of march was magnificent.
seriously.
a flakier pastrier crust hasn't been had up here in the woodsly goodness
since the last one.
ha.
i'm ON it, folks.
the crusts are crustier than the hand-poked face tattoos of your local co-op cashier.
that's real,
but probably only if you live somewhere where they have those.
regardless,
the treats have been expert.
and this one was especially so.
check the teleport:

GALETTE ME IN!!!!!
why is that pastry so sexxxy?
MORE BUTTERISH than ever before!!!
word up.
add an extra 'nother other pat or three, and it just keeps getting flakier.
i'm excited.
i'm enjoying the results.
and,
i'm gonna do it again soon.
mmmmmmmmmmm.
apples!!
almonds!!
raspberries!!
creamchee'!!
alllllll the hottness combined to make a whole exponentially more elite
than any two of those things together...
at some point in your life, you may wanna do a cool thing.
i'd suggest making this.
uh-huh.
here's the way to do it:
-
*
APPLE-ALMOND-RASPBERRY-CREAM GALETTE!
-
crust:
2 cups flour;
12 T butterish;
3 T vegan creamchee'
3 T sugar;
1 tsp vanilla;
pinch of salt;
non-dairy milk, added 1 T at a time, to everything inside of a food processor,
pulsed until all of it barely sticks together.
press it, wrap it, and rest it for at least an hour, or better, a day,
and then roll it out on a floured surface, tear it to size, and lay it out on parchment,
or a cast-iron skillet, or whatever you want-
but preheat your oven to 420F while you're at it.
-
filling:
3 T vegan creamchee';
3 T almond meal;
almond extract;
vanilla extract;
1 tsp lemon zest;
1/4 cup frozen raspberries;
stirred up on low heat, until it's all melty and wet and not gloppy or bloppity.
also, it'll be magenta.
that's good, too.
let it cool to room temp,
and spread it all on that pastry,
with another 1/4 cup of raspberries tossed down for exxxtra excellence.
mmm.
2 thinly sliced cored apples. fanned out,
and some toasted almond slices complete the look.
fold the edges of that dough over, accordion style,
to close in all that creamy goodness.
now,
if i were gonna do it, and i did-
i'd oil up the folded flaky goodness,
and stick a whole mess of raw sugar sprankles all along the outer edge.
why?
because too much is the right amount,
and nobody wants less awesomeness.
c'mon,
don't be dumb, duders.
...
bake it up for at least 20 minutes,
or until it looks as good as it will assuredly smell.
guys,
golden greatness is what we want our pastry to embody.
don't stop one second short of that.
***********
is today the day.
yes.
more than every other day/
probably not.
it's a first,
it's a worst,
it's a snow day,
and it's got plenty of time left to activate some expertism.
beyond all the work i've got in mind, and on hand, and on the schedule.
anything may happen, but everything seems well planned already.
perhaps it's time to april fool these fools,
and maybe take some time by (snow)storm t do the things i'd prefer.
.....
that includes pizza.
always with the pizza.
new calendar page,
first square checked off,
and pizza in the plans for later.
when i'm done shoveling,
i'll start shoveling slice after into my face.
that's good fortune for sure.
looks like all that rabbit-rabbit'ing is paying off already;
never quiet, never soft.....

GOODBYE AGAIN!!!!!

see you around march.
way to be a bummer most of the time.
ugh.
so,
in like a liar,
out like a lame?
is that how that goes?
i think it might be,
or at least, it should be amended allow for the present state of affairs.
neighbors,
guess who is getting an april foolish joke,
with the punchline being a baby blizzard?
give up?
ok.
it's me, and you, and everybody in this vicinity.
awesome, right?
nature wins.
and that comes at the expense of spring, it seems.
that's cool.
i'd hate to brighten my horizons too much, too soon.
a bleaker, blacker, blighted and benighted beginning to another 'nother month
sounds like exxxactly what we all need,
to really remember who's the boss.
way to go nature.
i mean, we wouldn't want to start out with rain showers.
that might help melt the mountains of snow still outside,
and possibly pave the way for may flowers.
no thanks.
shoutouts to using reverse psychology
on anthropomorphic seasonal affect disorderly conduct.
i won't allow the weather to ruin my good times, though, bro.
no way.
and my good times revolve around food.
every time.
the whole time,
all the time.
so,
i'm over here eating all the good cake,
and letting the sky fall where it may...
uh-huh.
no matter what,
i want to enjoy what i can control, indoors, in my kitchen,
in the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress,
at the table, with a fork, and big ol' slice of pure expert amazingness.
yuuuuuuuuup.
and i dare you to try to stop me.
neighbors,
check the teleport:

CRUMBLES ON CRUMBLES WITH SCOOPLES AND STRAWB'Z!!
yeah!
crumbly buttery coffeetable cake.
oaty, sweet, lightly spiced streusel crumbled on top.
a scoople of coconut vanilla s'cream,
giant slices of giant fresh sweet strawberries.
and powdered dried strawberry sprankles!
that's what the eff is UP.
you want this.
if you love snow?
you want this.
if you hate snow?
you need this.
if you like snow ok, but you've had enough for a season?
turn on your oven and make this.
dudes,
it's pretty flippin' buttery and magical.
that's for real.
you gonna make some?
alright
here's how:
-
*
CRUMBLECAKE!!
-
1 cup sugar;
1 stick + 2 T (10T) vegan butts;
1/2 tsp salt.
2 tsp vanilla;
^creamed together, just like always,
plus:
3/4 cup non-dairy yogurt;
2 1/3 cups flour;
3 T tapioca;
2 tsp bakey powpow;
1 tsp bakey soda;
whisked with a spatula so that it's all blended, but not too fluffy.
-simple-
and on top,
there's:
3 T butts;
2 big handfuls of oats'
3 T flour;
1/4 cup powdered sugar;
1 tsp vanilla;
1 T agave;
crumbled up and mixed thoroughly into a nubbly streuesel,
evenly spread, and diusted with cinnamon, nutmeg, and ginger.
baked for 30 at 350F, in a greased and floured 9 x 12,
allow it to cool, because that's a good idea, unless you love ruined berries,
and lame s'cream.
also,
you may wanna do the molto a la mode, like i did.
you don't need to, it's plenty awesome on it's own,
but,
too much is the right amount,
and more goodness is better than an average level, am i right?
heck yes i am.
sliced strawberries, in sugar and vanilla syrup?
expert.
a scoople of that cold creaminess?
expert.
the sprankles?
super-elite turbo expertism is in effect.
that's no joke.
a good cake can improve upon bad weather exponentially.
if it's frightful outside, then the delights must be made within.
mmmm.
and there's something about a soft, buttery, crumb-style cake.
i love 'em.
and almost everything is better wth streusel anyway.
rules is rules.
and streusel is one of 'em.
ha.
***********
     -
     dear march,
     
          you were a real *A-hole, the entire time.
          like that boogery kid from elementary school
          who was always in trouble and never very nice,
          and smelled like cheese.
          my point is:
          nobody missed him when he moved away.
          just like nobody is going to miss you when you're gone.
          the height of good manners is knowing when to leave.
          you've overstayed, overshared,
          and overindulged in all the worst behaviors.
                          i guess what i'm trying to say is:
                          i don't love you, and i''m glad you're over

                                                                              your pal,

                                                                                     albie.
*
that's quite enough of all of that, march.
april promises a rough start as well,
so that makes the first full 1/3 of 2017 badly begun.
gross.
that's the thing, man,.
it's all really happening,
even if it's crap;
never quiet, never soft.....

BEETROOTS!!!!!!

burly beetroot bulgur and black bean burgers???
yup.
guys,
i plan the level of enthusiasm for my day around predictions
of how dope dinner is likely to be.
and without a definite menu on the schedule,
there's more anxiety about everything else,
even though in reality, there's no actual reason to be stressed,
since i can't possibly be late for an outcome that hasn't been decided upon.
that should be comforting,
but it's not.
i mean,
without a rewarding finale to my day's doings,
i have nothing to really look forward to.
is that sad?
i can't tell.
so,
in order to prevent hostilities from developing in the real world's
actual tactile and tangible interactions,
i've gotta get a pretty good idea about what the eff i'm gonna eat
before i get to work.
that way,
i'm able to happily hum along to the humdrum doldrum'beats
that tattoo a tempo to my tedious tattoo studio tenure.
otherwise,
it's torturous.
hahaha.
c'mon,
you don't like knowing what's coming?
really?
the whole world is full of surprises, including dinner, and that's a-ok with you?
wow.
i don't think i want to live like that.
hence,
beetroot bulgur black bean burgers.
i saw a butcher babe blast a batch of similarly stacked sandwiches a week or two ago,
on munchies, on YouTube, on my computer,
while i was working on a blog for you guys.
uh-huh.
i took what i remembered of that,
and added in my own touches as i went,
and made myself a deep-hued, hearty, not heavy, wholesome helping of hamless 'burg/
duderonis,
this jaun is the
word up.
check the sarnie-sexxxy-type teleport:

IT'S F*ING RED!!!!
mmmmmmmmmm.
pickles, baby greenleaf lettuce, and red onions,
plus a very ripe mashed avocado,
all on a homemade buttery bun.
that's dope.
and besides the three ingredients listed,
what else is in the burger?
well,
a whole LOT of stuff.
i mean,
too much is the right amount, after all.
shoutouts to those beets, tho.
ok.
here's the laundry list of procedural steps and stages for your face:
-
*
BURLY BURGERS!
-
2 peeled and roasted medium sized beets, baked at 420F for 40 minutes-
covered for 20, uncovered for the last 20;
1 small yellow onion, caramelized;
with 3 large mushrooms, browned and sweated down, with sea salt;
3/4 cup bulgur wheat, prepared normally (slowly boiled for 15 minutes)
1 cup toasted cashews, pulverized into paste;
lemon juice;
black pepper;
2 cloves roasted garlic;
4 T wheat gluten;
2 tsp xantham gum;
3 T olive oil.
^ prepare each part, and combine them in a food processor,
where that all gets pulped and pressed until it's a slightly chunky paste.
let it cool before you shape it,
and make 1" thick pattie-boombatties,
about 7/8 the size of each of your homemade buns-\
so when you bite 'em, they don;t squish out the sides.
now, they're firm, but they're not dead bodies, so they've still got give, y'get me?
word up.
pan fry 'em util they're browned.
i dusted mine with GPOP,
because that's my favorite flavor combo in the whole wide world.
mmmhmmm.
neighbors, they've got ALL the flavor.
...you'll be glad this makes six of 'em.
-
you like slaw?
me too.
purple and green cabbage, shredded on the magical mandolin,
paper-thin carrots, julienned,
and parsley for that green leafy nutrient stuff that'll make you feel better
about the fat slap of vegenaise, and all the pink himalayan salt in there, too.
yep!
-
and fries, guys.
because burgers and fries are a winning team.
i was so smitten with the uniformity of these skin-on jauns that i even allowed myself
to indulge in some normally-frowned-upon activation.
at least, here in the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress,
we don;t normally partake in ketchup.
after all,
that's what poor people do.
but,
not for nothin', but if we're already slumming it with burgers,
why not go all the way down the tubes to the bottom of the barrel?
if only to remember what NOT to do regularly.
hahahaha.
.....stop it.
but,
on the real,
ketchup is best used only in the most spare of circumstances.
***********
aaaaaand march is done.
that was fast.
too fast, in fact.
a blink, a sigh, and time is about to fool our faces with april showers...of snow.
yup.
the woodsly goodness has shown itself to be determined to act like a real jerk.
i s'pose we were due for a good dose of doo-doo butter-
y'know,
to chase away all the weak-sauce diapery waterbabies who can't cope.
if you're a fighter, you'll choose the place with the most fights.
if you're a provocateur, you'll always choose the wrench.
sometimes,
like this time,
in this place ,
that's the same damned thing.
it's all really happening, and quickly.
this is What and When and Where.
the How and Why remain a mystery;
never quiet, never soft.....

COFFEE CHOCOLATE!!!!!!

here's the lineup:
one layer brownie-style fudgy chocolate cake!
coffee-infused dark chocolate ganache!!
espresso icing drizzles!!!
coffee frosting, with ground bean sprankles!!!!
yup.
that's how it gets done.
-
when the need for something especially expert arises,
there's nothing quite like a mocha munch-up in your mouth
to really turn up the flavor quotient of the treats game in these parts
all the way off the charts, past a perfect ten, to eleven.
that's real.
this brown on brown on brown bomber does the trick,
and makes it look easy, too.
.....guys!
i've been allllll about the single layer cakes lately.
why?
well,
i s'pose it's because i want to make a LOT of cake,
but i also hate wasting cake.
besides, there's only so much cake i can personally eat,
...and while it's an impressive quantity,
i'm unwilling to consume a cake a day.
real talk-
i'm quite sure i have previously mentioned that i spend most of my time alone.
i have grave doubts that a cake-a-day diet
would improve my time-spanning capabilities on almost any level whatsoever.
mmmmm.
so, one layer cakes get eaten the fastest, and allow for the most cake-makery
within the time frame and schedule of an always-shift every-day
wide-awake work-work-worker of wonders and .
that's no joke.
plus, it saves a whole lot of frosting,
which in turn preserves a whole lot of molars and waistlines.
so,
indirectly, you're all very welcome.
ANYway,
i made the chocolatiest cake.
like, almost a fudge, except for the sponginess.
and it is DELICIOUS.
mmhmmm.
on it's own, it could've satisfied the most discriminating of chocolate fanatics.
for realsies.
and with all that coffee sorcery sauce'n'frost?
c'mon.
the hottness is here, and it's come to rock the party.
check the teleport:

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMOCHA!!!
it's rich.
it's thick.
it's decadent and luxurious.
and i have it right here in front of me.
perhaps i was a bit hasty in saying i won't eat a whole cake.
maybe i just won't eat a whole cake every day.
you know you want some.
i open-handed the measurements,
but i think we can use our brains and approximate the magic
for your personal recreation of the recipe for recreational use.
ha,.
-
*
CHOCOLATE COFFEE CAKE!
-
preheat the oven to 350F.
in a large bowl, or better, a stand mixer,
combine:
1/2 cup brown sugar;
1/2 cup sugar;
1 stick vegan butter;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 tsp vanilla;
once creamed, whisk in, fast and hard,
3/4 cup vanilla non-dairy yogurt;
1/3 cup cocoa;
1/3 cup tapioca;
1/4 cup melted dark chocolate, thinned with 2 T non-dairy milk.
-
when that's a whirlwinded muddy mess,
add:
2 1/4 cups flour;
2 tsp baking powpow;
1 tsp baking soda;
1 cup non-dairy milk.
whisk until fluffyish, or at least well-aerated,
and pour into a greased and floured 9' springform,
or whatever it is you'd rather see it shaped like,
and bake it for 40+ minutes, or until the center won't sink.
that's a real concern with vegan non-egg-albumen proteins,
in deep dish scenarios.
the one catch to single layering is center-suck prevention.
just keep an eye on it, and you'll be fine.
i believe in you.\take it out, cool it off, smack it up, flip it,.
and let it be for a bit, while you create all the topping parts, neighbors.
then, and only then, will we rub it down.
-
ganache?
panache!
pizzazz!!
snazzy dark doo-doo butter sans the doo-doo and the butter!!
make some:
it's just 1/3 cup melted chocolate chips, with 3 T powdered sugar,
3 T 'milk', vanilla, pure coffee extract,
and a handful of instant coffee for added ZING!
easy.
spread it and let it cool,
-
the espresso icing?
it's powdered sugar, vanilla, and strong espresso,
combined to make a squeezably wet but thick paste.
i used a sandwich bag, with one corner barely snipped away to spread it around.
i make do where i can, man.
....and that coffee sauce is so tasty, the application is almost irrelevant.
use a spoon.
use a nozzle.
use a hose.
i don't care.
but, use it.
it's delicious, and it's necessary to activate all the flavor.
-
and speaking of all the flavor:
too much is the right amount.
so,
we've gotta hook up some frosting, too, dudes.
mmmmmmm.
a cup and a half? of powdered sugar;
4 T vegan butter;
coffee extract;
vanilla extract;
instant coffee brewed in >1/4 cup soymilk;
crushed espresso bean sprankles.
.......whipped up with that wiry whisk of wizardry,
and squeezed easily on top of all that other cakey greatness!!!!!!!
that's molto expert-level lusciousness, ladies and gents.
*
don't waste time on sub-par cakes.
anybody can add oil or (even grosser) an egg to some bargain-basement,
budget, bottom-shelf box mix,
but,
you wanna know something true and important?
box mix is for jerks.
that's no joke,
and rules is rules around here,
which means that active participation is mandatory, lest you be asked to leave.
***********
long nights and early mornings.
full days, empty beds, and a busy busy stovetop.
it's all really happening.
i don't know where the time goes,
but it escapes at an alarming rate.
even the good things aren't really so good that they make anything easier.
like,
i've got bread in the oven,
and homemade sourdough bread is great.
that's a thing.
but,
i'm just waiting for that to finish it's baking cycle,
so i can go crush an uphill battle with my boy-o, crabtree...
yup.
and after that, it's back to the big action of a brutal back-and-forth,
from analysis of my ego and my id,
to tattblasting on some totally regular ideas,
to racing home again to fill my pit with tasty sh!t,
and maybe plan for the future, whenever i can grab a moment
in between bouts of dog-chasing responsible pet-ownership.
friends,
there is way more to do than i'm interested in.
that's the numero uno obstacle.
what i have to do is EVERYthing,
but what i want to do is much less diverse, no matter how much more intense...
damn.
and yeah, man-
i guess griping won't get it over with any faster.
it's just that it feels SO much better to let it out.
...the bread has five minutes left.
i'm gearing up to feel the sun, and the cold, on my old busted face,
while we hike through the 'hood with sh!ts and exhaustion as our only objectives.
it's ALL really happening.
although,
not nearly as much is getting accomplished as i'd like.
whats the cure for that?
anybody?
no?
oh, ok. that's cool;
never quiet, never soft.....

BLACK RICE!!!!

for the second time in under a week,
some new rice has really brought the exotic hottness to my dinnertimes.
mmhmm.
neighbors,
you know there's all sorts of grains-
long, short, and medium.
and all sorts of colors, too.
i mean,
we've all had that fancy long grain black wild rice.
that's a thing.
like,
probably when your ma made some pilaf back in the late nineties,
which your dad thought was too uppity,
and put the kibosh on with the quickness.....
but,
in these wondrous modern times,
that old stale previous rice action is just some everyday regular-level business.
that's a thing.
now,
if we're intent on living in the future,
then we need to discuss this jaun i effed around with last night:
dudes, it's called 'forbidden rice'!!
naturally, i liked it right away.
c'mon.
little fat stumps of sticky, inky, black staining sexxxiness,
ready to go to work for that supper-style activation.
that's real.
and i'm glad, too.
it has great flavor,
it has great texture,
and it's blacker than BLACK!
expert.
i s'pose that my yellow coconut curry could very well've been a success
without all of that special edible ebony excellence,
but it certainly wouldn't have looked as cool.
.....and ugly food is still not invited.
ok.
OK.
so,
i made yellow curry.
mostly because it's the mildest one,
and after a loooong day of tattooing my buddy beau,
who haaaaaates the hot and spicy stuff,
because he is a delicate gossamer spiderweb of a man,
i cooked us up a recuperative meal to mend his battered skin
after all that terrorizing was finally finished.
it was quick;
it was easy;
there was a lot of it at first,
and absolutely not even one speck remaining when we rose from the table.
guys,
have a look at what i came up with, via the teleport:

BLACK AND YELLOW LIKE A KILLER BEE!!!!!
that's wu-TANG curry, for those who couldn't tell.
worrrrrrrrd.
the black rice was cooked and rested,
to let the glutinous goodness get all soaked and steamy.
while that was doing it's thing,
i had that curry simmering away.
you want to make something like it?
sure.
here's how:
-
*
COCONUT CURRY!
-
3 T coconut oil;
1 small rough cut onion;
1 small skin-on cubed potato;
1 disced-up medium-sized peeled carrot;
2 cloves crushed garlic;
1 clove sliced garlic;
1 small asian purple-skin white-flesh sweet potato, diced;
simmered for about three minutes or so,
and combined with:
1 T rice wine vinegar;
1 T sriracha;
1 can full-fat coconut milk-
plus,
1 T turmeric
1 tsp smoky paprika;
a liberal GPOP application;
1/2 tsp ground coriander seed;
thai basil;
1 tsp toasted cumin powder;
1/2 tsp ground ginger-
let that bubble for five or so minutes,
and add in:
2 T soy sauce;
1 cup broth.
2 stalks of chopped celery-
allow all of that to baby-boil until it's nice and thick,
then squeeze in 3 T of lime juice!
that's the stuff.
and then you're ready to rock and roll yourself a bowl of that burly barbarian bloppage!!
mmmmmmmm.
the add-ons and mix-ins are essential to the success of the dish, duders.
real talk.
a huge scoop of rice in the center of the bowl is a good idea.
add some shredded purple cabbage,
and a handful of mung bean sprouts for crawnch. along the rim.
we dropped down a few wings of miniature super sweet peppers,
and i used some jalapeno slices to heat up the mild coconuttiness, too.
yum yum YUM.
that would have been pretty hearty, but it just wasn't enough, bro.
no way.
too much is the right amount.
that's why there's half a block of smoky fried tofu on there, as well.
yuuuup.
slow-fried in a little oil, with smoked paprika, ginger, GPOP, black pepper,
and a little bitty zipzap of sugar, for caramel crisping on the edges.
.....daaaaaaamn, that's a tasty bite!
is THAT all?
still no.
rules is rules.
and it can't be over with if there's no sprankles, man.
don't be dumb.
scallion and cilantro complete the look, and the taste.
upgrades are never a bad idea in the curry world.
no jokes.
-
and what about that bread???
oh, yes, kids.
that bread turned the whole meal up to eleven on every level.
-
*
COCONUT BREAD!
-
1 cup of flour;
1 1/2 tsp baking soda;
1/4 cup crushed coconut;
3 T medium unsweetened coconut flakes;
dash of salt;
2 T vegan butterish;
1/3 cup + 2 T hot water;
kneaded, rested, divided into 4ths,
patted flat,
and fried in a very hot pan, with melted butter, until both sides are golden,
and the whole house smells like futuristic fresh-to-death biscuits.
they're puffyish, they're butteryish, they're coconuts about flavor-
uh-huh.
i'm just sayin'- they're expert.
ill nan-naan-style flatbreads for your F*ing face,
and also for dipping in all the wet curry magic.
you are going to want to get on that, guys.
it's too dang good to miss out on.
***********
and now, it's wednesday.
my day to do all the stuff i've been too busy to do
during the rest of the week while i'm at work.
what's gonna happen?
everything.
or, at least, if not every-,
then definitely something.
it has to.
crabtree and me.
that's who's hanging tough today.
we'll be out there, doing what we do,
which is to say,
making fun out of duty,
and making fun of all the dumb doodie that the woodsly goodness considers cool.
we make our own kind of adventures,
and we take our own kind of time.
he's my dude, y'know?
and together,
we span time and space like a pair of just-alike battle beasts.
he barks less and bites more,
i operate on the inverse.
but, we're a team,
and we're doing it as hard as we can until the sun goes down,
and even then, we'll probably be at it for even longer;
never quiet, never soft.....