Saturday, April 1


a mouthful of magic words is no match for the mean and miserable
march into april's foolishness.
yet again,
just to prove a point, i presume...
...despite nobody contesting her supremacy-
nature wins.
and yeah, friends,
it's the first of the month.
the premier.
the debut.
the big reveal.
opening day.
and one thing is clear.
rules is rules.
how do i know?
because of the onslaught of F*ery falling from the sky.
if that's not some april fools sh!t,
then what the holy heck will it take to qualify?
ha. ha.
y'got me good, nature.
snow on top of snow, heavy,. sticky, slippery, cold, bold,
getting old, and freshly driven right up to my sills and jambs.
...out like a lamb, they said.
i've seen no evidence to support that.
other than maybe it could be because i feel like i've been fleeced,
and outside,
it's as white as snow.
the good news?
this A*-hole weather means we get one more mutha-effin' snow day.
and that means that today, at least, ANYthing can happen.
of course,
because it's also worldwide prank day, i doubt it'll be something good.
did i do the thing?
man, c'mon.
you know i do the thing.
that's how it goes.
the first words of the first day of every damned month.
i spoke 'em out loud.
i repeated myself again when i reopened my eyes after a little rest.
that's what we do when it's a new page on the calendar, kids.
the mantra, the summons, the spoken spellcast of fortuitous attraction.
say it with me:
rabbit! rabbit!
that's the stuff.
so, to recap,
it's snowing. a lot.
it's the first of the month.... again, and too soon.
it's the trickiest day of the year, at least, without any treats.
then again,
i'm not some weak-sauce diapery doo-doo butterball,
so there actually ARE treats.
the treats game has been tight lately.
which is weird, honestly,
since i've been feel pressed and pressured for time and space.
shoutouts to delivering the delights despite not being delighted!
i guess i'm just making diamonds out of coal, or whatever.
the last treat of march was magnificent.
a flakier pastrier crust hasn't been had up here in the woodsly goodness
since the last one.
i'm ON it, folks.
the crusts are crustier than the hand-poked face tattoos of your local co-op cashier.
that's real,
but probably only if you live somewhere where they have those.
the treats have been expert.
and this one was especially so.
check the teleport:

why is that pastry so sexxxy?
MORE BUTTERISH than ever before!!!
word up.
add an extra 'nother other pat or three, and it just keeps getting flakier.
i'm excited.
i'm enjoying the results.
i'm gonna do it again soon.
alllllll the hottness combined to make a whole exponentially more elite
than any two of those things together...
at some point in your life, you may wanna do a cool thing.
i'd suggest making this.
here's the way to do it:
2 cups flour;
12 T butterish;
3 T vegan creamchee'
3 T sugar;
1 tsp vanilla;
pinch of salt;
non-dairy milk, added 1 T at a time, to everything inside of a food processor,
pulsed until all of it barely sticks together.
press it, wrap it, and rest it for at least an hour, or better, a day,
and then roll it out on a floured surface, tear it to size, and lay it out on parchment,
or a cast-iron skillet, or whatever you want-
but preheat your oven to 420F while you're at it.
3 T vegan creamchee';
3 T almond meal;
almond extract;
vanilla extract;
1 tsp lemon zest;
1/4 cup frozen raspberries;
stirred up on low heat, until it's all melty and wet and not gloppy or bloppity.
also, it'll be magenta.
that's good, too.
let it cool to room temp,
and spread it all on that pastry,
with another 1/4 cup of raspberries tossed down for exxxtra excellence.
2 thinly sliced cored apples. fanned out,
and some toasted almond slices complete the look.
fold the edges of that dough over, accordion style,
to close in all that creamy goodness.
if i were gonna do it, and i did-
i'd oil up the folded flaky goodness,
and stick a whole mess of raw sugar sprankles all along the outer edge.
because too much is the right amount,
and nobody wants less awesomeness.
don't be dumb, duders.
bake it up for at least 20 minutes,
or until it looks as good as it will assuredly smell.
golden greatness is what we want our pastry to embody.
don't stop one second short of that.
is today the day.
more than every other day/
probably not.
it's a first,
it's a worst,
it's a snow day,
and it's got plenty of time left to activate some expertism.
beyond all the work i've got in mind, and on hand, and on the schedule.
anything may happen, but everything seems well planned already.
perhaps it's time to april fool these fools,
and maybe take some time by (snow)storm t do the things i'd prefer.
that includes pizza.
always with the pizza.
new calendar page,
first square checked off,
and pizza in the plans for later.
when i'm done shoveling,
i'll start shoveling slice after into my face.
that's good fortune for sure.
looks like all that rabbit-rabbit'ing is paying off already;
never quiet, never soft.....

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