that's the stuff.
the day after all y'all have your entry-level starter kit holiday,
we doo-doo our own version,
an upgrade, and an improvement,
one fresher, one harder, and one louder than Xmas.
we wouldn't want to only do it as good as everyone else already did.
what are you?
no way, neighbors.
we want that new-new, and uber-improved revised and updated jauns.
i mean, for really real,
nobody likes a weak-sauce waterbabyish holiday full of poopie-diaper
mediocrity and middle-rung underreaching for all the bnig action.
well, WE can't hang out with that crap,
because we believe in the mantra of MORE:
too much is the right amount.
you know it.
with that being said...
did you know that we took color coordinated super-official new hottness
to a whole other OTHER 'nother level of expertism this year?
the thing of it is,
if you're gonna get rad,
you gotta get real rad.
and when it comes to keeping it real,
and we get real new englandy with the bricks and hardwood backdrop;
and real molto-molto-paper-patterned,
and crisp-creased metallic-foil fresh with our wrap game;
and the stacks on stacks on stacks stay stacked-up,
because shystie piles can't come to the party.
not once, not never.
i know about capturing a magical holiday spirit and memory.
it's part of the training any worth-a-sh!t warrior poet undergoes.
on the ones,
when it comes to XImas,
it goes to eleven,
and then a little mas, muy, and mucho.
actualy, instead of just imagining the scene,
check the crackery layout on the fireplaced-display-of-dopeness-type teleport:
we get a little fresca caliente on the holiday present presentation.
if you're gonna bring the thunder,
you need some lightning-striking viking plunder
to really make it happen.
that's no joke.
and those stocking are STUFFED, guys.
up to, and including, the cream-colored wide stripe exxxtra-fancy candy-style canes.
no bright white ones,
no candy flavors.
i understand that's a tradition in a lot of places,
but that's what poor people do,
and that's no invited to the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress..
the big boxes in back, packed full of a myriad of treats,
and those homemade birch-antlered animal ornaments on top of 'em?
those are the added excellence of amber's involvement in our lives.
and speaking of that sweet baby-b!tchass ja-bomb-a-tron-
when it was time to finally get serious for my homegirl ampy-d,
i activated a series of short stacks of solid gold sexXxiness,
with overflow basketry and papery shimmer sorcery.
you know the rules, y'all.
if you can tolerate me all year,
there will be profit sharing,
and an XImas bonus in the fourth quarter.
we know how to party,
and we know about giving good gifts.
my little lovely ampy didn't slouch, slack, or skimp out on yours truly, either:
remember when you were a kid, and you'd list all the sh!t you got?
well, that's about to go down right now-
skulls, and horns and crystals;
books and books and books;
a full box of the burliest cigars, and a side order of even more stumps;
clothes- from shoes and socks to gloves and everything else in-between;
enough candy to decay my teeth and my great-grandchildren's too;
cookie cutters and cake molds;
and all the vikings, which we've already really been enjoying;
i got spoiled, and i really appreciate the holy sh!t out of that gesture.
what happens when two people both try really super hard together?
that is what happens.
look it up.
we do everything pretty damned beautifully.
why shouldn't we?
why wouldn't we?
it's one of the prime tenets of expert gift giving.
every aspect is important.
the scented tealights in each box that match the candles that emanate
a christmasy aroma, and infuse the fabric with olfactory reminiscing?
that's what we do.
the coordinated color scheming?
the fact that traditions unfold in serious series and sequence,
and overlap with spirit and memory to make sure we have the most, the best,
the prettiest picturesque, poignant perfectly-paired holiday family togetherness
in mutha-F*ing full effect?
there is only this, and this alone to remember:
it's all really happening,
and your active or passive particpatory or spectatorly involvement
will determine the course towards fantastic or failing.
we choose to overdo it,
because we know how the scene plays out....
anything less is a batch of b!tchsap;
never quiet, never soft.....