Wednesday, June 13


if you're pulling your own weight,
you aren't pulling hard enough.
that's been my mindset for a minute or two-
or, like, for years of carrying burdens that get heavier every day-
here's the thing-
i'm the one adding the extra sh!t every day.
the idea that too much is the right amount
isn't just about the outcome, neighbors-
it's just as much a philosophically fundamental position on INPUT as well.
that's real.
y'know how the notion of the 'lion's share' means MORE than everybody else?
well, then if i'm doing my fair share,
then i feel as though the 'lion' part should be implied-
like, if you know you can do more, but you don't- just to keep things equal?
then maybe you've misunderstood the whole point.
fairness is subjective,
and those who receive an advantage usually find few faults in any system
that eases their portion of participation.
that's a thing.
here's another thing: we're NOT all the same,
...and that's why if i can do more, i want to do more.
i don't know.
i feel like i'm only competing with myself-
to outdo what i've already done, and be the best version of myself-
and to get bigger and better and fresher and harder than ever before.
like i just said: too much IS the right amount.
you don't go farther by standing still,
you don't get faster by standing still,
you don't get impossible outcomes from underwhelming INput.
i want the big deluxxxe, man.
and i'm not asking for it, i'm creating it.
that's a lot to deal with every F*ing day, for the record-
but what else am i gonna do?
take it easy?
nope.......that ain't me, bro.
in fact,
last night, despite not really wanting to make a big deal out of dinner,
and instead of just phoning it in with some quick and easy tacos,
i went hard on the eggplant scene,
and brought the full weight of my will to bear down on some seriously epic pizza pie.
if you ca do more, you gotta, lest you fall prey to b!tchbaggery,
and that's not invited to my makeout party.
happily, this was a pizza party without any kisses on the program,
because dylan came over to experience the majesty of fried vegan-style crusty eggplant.
and you don't ever really want a two-dude eggplant party
without some clearly established guidelines.
check the teleport:

the crust is crucial.
the toppings are tight and TILTY.
the herbs are fresh af.
and all of it is cooperating to crush every last tastebud into submission.
that's word.
look closer, man:

eggplant is one of those things tha is either right or wrong,
and there's no in-between.
if you've got the touch (and i do) then you're a champ,
and you need to help others see the light and the truth and the glory.
or, at least, how to doo-doo that freaky sh!t correctly.
here's a glimpse:
pick small italian or graffiti eggplants.
slice 'em thin, and salt 'em and let 'em de-juice before rinsing all that bitterness away.
(funny how being salty makes eggplant less bitter, but has the opposite effect on me)
now, because we don't eff with eggs,
there needs to be a dredge that'll adhere to the outsides,
so that your herby-crusty breading will stick on there nicey-nice-
you need minutes on minutes for it to work, so plan ahead-
but, figure on these proportions:
eggplant 'egg'lessness for dipping
 1 cup non-dairy milk, + 4 tsp chia-flaxmeal blend, whisked in,
plus 1 T nootch, and 2 tsp lemon juice, all stirred and allowed to bloom and thicken.
and the dry bit:
1/4 cup flour;
3 T non-GMO organic corn starch;
1/2 cup crushed cornflakes;
1/4 cup crushed rice krispies;
1 T nootch;
GPOP, oregano, rosemary dried basil, black pepper, pink salt,
fire-roasted tomato-flakes, etc etc
you get the idea-
but you also need a pan with verrrrrry hot vegetable oil about 1/2" deep.
this is a shallow fry scenario, and you'll need to be careful, kids.
y'dip the eggplant, then you dredge the eggplant,
then you FRY the eggplant for like a minute or two on each side.
you're gonna want to remove them and place them on some sort of rack,
with paper towels to siphon off any extra oil.
we like 'em crisp, and soft inside, not slimy and sh!tty and full of fat.
you'll figure it out, just be careful with all that oil.
that's just step one.
you still need pizza dough, yo.
in your standalone standup mixer, dough hook equipped, knead together:
1 1/4 cups bread flour;
1 cup semolina flour;
1 T raw sugar;
1 tsp sea salt;
1 pkg fast-activated yeast;
3/4 cup warm water;
3 T olive oil;
2 T sourdough starter.
beat it up for 11 minutes straight,
and let it blow up under a towel until it's twice it's og size.
stretch it out however you want it to be-
i've been using a thin steel baking tray, seasoned with olive oil,
specially prepared for making the biggest pizza i can get from one batch of dough.
and as always the temperature is 480℉, with the baking stones in place
for thoroughly expert baking hottness.
here's the roster of awesomess, in order, for this pizza pie-
daiya chee' shreds, minced up exxxtra.
if you aren't chopping up your little chee' ribbons, you're an A-hole, and that's no joke.
it melts 2000% better if you do, and it looks 3000% sexxxier-
so use your knives, guys, and reap the benefits immediately.
then the eggplant, all savory and sensual and decadent-
fried sage, rubbed into slivers;
fresh rosemary;
dry-fried mushrooms. baby bellas, browned on both sides with salt and pepper, and that's it;
two shallots, sliced up lengthwise, so they're pretty in pinkish purple;
sweet baby tomatoes;
fried garlic sprankles...obvi. i mean, rules is rules.
and that miyoko cashew mozzarella to make it exxxtra-good.
and when it came out of the oven steamy and crusty and perfect?
fresh thyme and oregano and hand-torn basil for the sprankle victory.
that's a LOT for one pizza, but it was worth every exxxtra step.
i already said it twice, but i'll go all magic-number on you:
too much is the right amount.
why would you want less?
i wouldn't, i couldn't, i won't, and i don't.
i love pizza.
i never get tired of it.
i also love not being a dumpy piece of sh!t,
but those two things might be at odds with each other.
so, what do i do?
there's only so many hours in the day,
so how much more active can i get to offset all the pizza i wanna eat?
i'm not sure, but at my present rate of pizza consumption,
i'm gonna need an answer ASAP.
i'm NOT tryna look like a real bummer naked.
....or at least, not any worse than what's already going on.
i'll figure something out because i've got to.
there's so much more italian-style bread-heavy big action on my menu,
so something's gotta adapt,
or else the expansion of my menu will correlate to the expansion
of my waistline.
there's only one option that seems feasible: do MORE.
that's what i've been saying this whole time;
never quiet, never soft.....

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