OATGANG!!

would it be weird to invite passengers onto a sinking ship,

to list and lilt and struggle alongside you,

while the anchor refused to buoy the hull like a balloon,

and the keel and rudder autopliloted the bow into icebergs

like a south pacific bamboo junker sailing blindfolded in the arctic circle?

would that be cool?

i mean,

it wouldn't be BORING, i'll give you that.

however,

and i say this firsthand, as both the first mate on an ancient run-aground wreck;

and as the captain of a still-on-land, yet-to-be-launched, unchristened battleship.

efficiency, efficacy, expert execution?

those traits are all off the table,

and have been replaced with immaterial myopic monomaniacal muddling, meddling,

and mediocre methodology......

which surround myself, and my clients, 

like sharks around the USS indianapolis.

shoutouts to quint and the orca, y'all.   

guys,

i'm lucky to be able to generate income in the midst of this 900-square-foot epic undertaking.

i'm lucky that my limited engagement is met with relative indifference, 

rather than outright vehemence.

i'm lucky that i have been able to reroute my client list to the old old, 

while the new new takes longer than that second death star did to build 

(and it isn't fully operational yet, i assure you)

but goddamn it, neighbors,

listing back into the port of call i just left?

ooooof.

it feels like giving someone permission to watch embarrassing corrective surgery 

...on your A*-hole.

so, yeah, AMPERSAND TATTOO will be a thing,

and it should be a thing,

and it will be SUCH a thing.

but right now, there's just this other thing, 

and that happens sometimes. 

you get what you get, and you can't get upset.

the only real cure?

eating those feelings, son.

mmhmmmmm.

you KNEW i had treats coming up, or you would've stopped reading.

i see you, bro.

here's some sexy foodstuffs to key into, and get psyched on-

BOOOM!!!

oatmeal coconut barbarian cakeybars,

with that chocolate drizzzzzzzzzle.

yeah!!

mmmmmmm.

guys,

big buttery oatmeal and coconut crumbles all over the top are what's good.

you guys want to make some of this in YOUR house?

no problem.

here's the process:

-

*

SUPERSEXXXY COCONUTTY MAGIC BARS!

-

preheat your oven to 365℉.

-

in a medium mixing bowl, cream together:

1 stick (8T) earth balance butter;

1 cup light brown sugar;

2 tsp vanilla;

1/2 tsp salt;

1/2 cup medium flake unsweetened coconut;

1/2 cup thick rolled oats.

stir in:

3/4 cup non-dairy yogurt.

when that's 100% a muddy well-blended mess,

add:

2 cups flour;

1/2 cup fresh-ground oat flour;

2 tsp bakey powder;

1 tsp bakey soda;

1/2 tsp coconut extract;

and 1 cup non-dairy milk.

combine it thoroughly,

and spread it into a greased 9x12" pan,

and cover with a handful of oats, a handful of coconut,

and 3 T melted vegan butts stripped all over the surface.

damn!

that'll lure in the tasty ones, probably, if that's your thing.

bake it for 30 minutes,

and allow to cool enough to keep the chocolate drizzles 

from spreading out and looking terrible.

friends-

chocolate chips, powdered sugar, 'milk, and vanilla over low heat

makes ganache-type spreadable hottness.

you gotta have it.

it turns the whole thing up to eleven.

...

if you aren't altering your attitude with nutrients, then you might be effing up.

mood-enhancing medicine doesn't have to be prescribed, buddy.

just get some vegan cake in your face.

it's better than mind-altering drugs, and it has vitamins in it probably.

hahaha.

yeah.

*

meanwhile,

i'm circling my wagons and circling the drain,

while the vultures circle overhead; 

and it's all overlapping and intersecting and moreover it's all really happening,

only the wagons and the drain and the vultures are a metaphor for

leaving and staying and dying to live a life worth dying for.

damn, dudes.

i'm reppin' a hard style,

and it's careening towards career suicide and resurrection.

that's real;

never quiet, never soft.....