Thursday, March 15

Pi(E) DAY!!

too much is the right amount!
do not under any circumstances accept less than MORE than you could possibly need,
because how can you turn it up to eleven 
if you're only working with, like, seven out of a possible ten?
F* that.
i celebrate Pi(E) day, neighbors.
i do.
and i celebrate it with some serious pie activation.
that's no joke.
i got up and got busy, just like every day,
but, while the bread was in the oven,
and right after the sourdough starter was fed,
and the tea was steeped,
and my smoothie was blended?
i had apples peeled, cored, sliced, and spiced on the stove,
and berries bubblin' right next to 'em.
wanna see what i had poppin' on the cutting board?
you do?!
word up.
check the teleport:

that's that hottie-boom-boom-sexxxiness, right?
heck yeah, it is!!
two pies in two totally different styles,
with two totally different tastes, and two totally different approaches,
prepared in identical pans,
and both totally 100% super-officially expert AF!!!
real talk.
do yo know what my favorite pie is?
apple pie.
and that's just about as all-american as i ever get.
look closer:

the crust was incredible.
buttery, flaky, sweet,
and with a hint of vanilla that really boosted the deliciousness up over the top.
my pastry recipe is here.
i'm not saying you need it, but i hope that it's implied.
so, we got the dough rolled into a glass pie pan,
and we gotta fill it.
what do we do about that?
7 medium red apples, peeled, cored, and sliced;
1/2 cup brown sugar;
2 T lemon juice;
1 tsp vanilla;
pinch of pink salt;
cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, allspice, cloves, in that order,
in descending amounts according to your personal tastes;
2 T coconut oil.
simmered until all the apples are slightly softened.
you don't want mush,
and you DO want to stir them so the bottom ones don't boil.
medium-low heat is plenty.
these weren't very wet,
but i still tossed in a quarter cup of quick oats to soak up any stray sauce.
that's the filling, which you'll want to let cool,
so it doesn't disintegrate the dough on the sides or top.
the swirls are simple-
cinnamon, vanilla, brown sugar and butter, cut together and spread on a rectangle of pastry.
with an inch left unsmeared, for maxxxium dough-to-dough adhesion,
rolled up, refrigerated, and cut into discs.
simple, but so sexxxy, y'know?
and then there's braids and sh!t,
to make it look rad.
twenty-thirty minutes in a very hot 400+℉ oven to get it golden,
and you're so good to go,
you'll wanna rip your shirt like vintage hulk hogan, man.
i love a good pie,
and i really love a good lookin' one.
pretty food isn't worse for you.
it might even be better, since it feeds your other senses, too.
that's a thing.
ANYway, it's my all-time favorite pie, and this was a superior example of it.
my peoples had some.
hell, we all had a LOT of it,.
rules is rules,
and like i already said-
too much is the right amount.
which is why we also had a whole other 'nother even richer and sweeter dessert pie,
to reward our faces for being so irresponsibly gluttonous with the first fruit pie!
check the teleport:

this sh!t right here?!?!
kayla made the crust, and it's so good, it could've been it's own thing by itself.
one and a half packages of graham crackers,
pulverized into crumbs in the food processor, with three tablespoons of cocoa,
transferred to a less sharp bowl,
and stirred up with three tablespoons of melted vegan butter,
a teaspoon of vanilla, and enough non-dairy milk to hold it all together when pressed.
formed to the pie pan, and par-baked for a just few minutes in the fiery oven
to keep it from falling apart under
the juicy berry jam-up that's headed it's way.
friends, the black-bottomed bumbleberry blop-top is the TRUTH!
a full pound of every berry, thawed and thickened in a saucepot.
lemme tell you about this bad boy.
16 oz. frozen mixed berries;
3 T lemon juice;
1/3 cup powdered sugar;
1 tsp vanilla.
stewed in a pot until all softened up,
the juice drained off and slurried with 3 T non-GMO organic corn starch,
re-added, and heated on high until fat jammie bubbles form.
allow that to cool and thicken,
while you prepare your black bottom.
in a small saucepot, combine:
1/3 cup vegan dark chocolate chips;
3 T non-dairy milk;
1/2 tsp vanilla;
3 T sifted cocoa.
heated, stirred, and poured over the crust, spread evenly, and left to cool,
while the berries do their thing.
we still need the topping, though, bro. it all gets balked together after all:
in the bowl we used to make the crust, now add:
2/3 cup ground coarse oat flour;
1/2 tsp vanilla;
3 T vegan creamchee';
pinch of salt;
4 T packed brown sugar.
chop it, blend it, and make it all hang tough together.
you should end up with a streusel, coffee-cake style.
now, we assemble it before we bake it up.
crust? check!
black bottom? check!
fruit next? check!
crOmbles in the center, gently placed and evenly spaced? check!
ten minutes in that furiously superheated oven should be plenty.
longer, obvi, if you're only reppin' 375℉.
you'll be ok. i believe in you.
let it cool.
let it cool.
d'ya hear me?
let. it. cool.
otherwise all the frosting is gonna look like dogsh!t, and you'll deserve it, duder.
so, once it's cool, a little thiccc vanilla icing, and of course, some chocolate frosting,
OR, if you're like me and always make MORE frosting for everything than you'll need,
you can use some chocolate berry frosting, to really boost up the boomfire.
i know you might need to go back a few posts to find all the ins and outs of frosting,
but isn't it worth it?
i mean,
who wants an ordinary bummer of a pie?
only A*-holes do that.
...and we're worthy warrior poets,
preparing great beauty for diabolical destruction,
as a means of accepting impermanence and nourishing ourselves,
with poise, and purpose, grace, and shark-like feeding frenzied gluttony.
we doo-doo that freaky sh!t.
dylan came by, and was rewarded with all the treats,
for his help moving our new loveydoveseat to AMPERSAND TATTOO.
helping gets you a heaped helping of our hot, fresh, tasty jams, man.
real recognize real.
pie is provided to the participants.
and it's all really happening.
it's interactive overreaction, and that's the way it is around here.
Pi(E) day isn't for wall-playin' wallfowers,
it's for wild'n out wildlings wolfmanning the battlements and stuff like that.
any excuse to celebrate something,
but every time, there's no time for getting F*ed up,
because that means you've gotta F* right off.
no excuses, kiddo.
just be dope, at pie and everything else.
there's no downside to pursuing positivity and personal development.
there is a downside to all this pie, however.
and that's that it is finite.
unlike Pi.
i can make more, but it just won't be the same;
never quiet, never soft.....

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