Wednesday, September 4


that double-dip is the drippy-drip.
that's right.
if you want sexy, crispy, HOT m-f'n chick'nish seitan on a sandwich,
you gotta get right right from the jump.
so, there's my patented expert homemade seitan,
dredged in organic non-GMO cornstarch,
dunked in an eggless butterless milkless coating,
and dropped into a gluten-free crispy hot and spicy breading.
yeah, boyyyyyyyyyy.
if you know what's good, you'll see immediately that this is IT.

crawnchy slaw!!
vegan mayo!
sharp red onion!!
crisp cool pickles!
tangy ho'sauce!!
hot cayenne oil drizzles!!!
and that hella tight exxxtra-expert nashville fried spicy seitan, SON!
if you don't get down with spice,
you'd better be seven years old,
or else your sh!t is WEAK AF, and you're not invited.
that's no joke.
i had two inches of vegetable oil in a 2 quart pot, gettin' hot while i got my sh!t together.
and i had my seitan slabs pressed, so they were damp, but in no way sopping wet.
(seitan is best when stored in the broth you've made it in, so it acts like a sponge)
i had three bowls set up.
in the first: the cornstarch, and some salt.
in the second: 1/2 cup s'milk, plus 1 T chia/flax/hempseed blend, and 2 T pickle brine,
and 1 T egg replacer powder, all stirred and bloomed together.
in the third: 1/2 cup gf rice crumbs, plus 2 T chick pea flour and 2 T oat flour...
and then alllll the spices:
1 tsp black pepper;
1/2 tsp dried rubbed sage;
1 tsp cayenne!!
1/2 tsp GPOP;
1/2 tsp peri-peri rub;
1/4 tsp smoked paprika;
1 tsp hot paprika;
1 tsp brown sugar.
wordimus prime-
you got your starch, then your slippery slimy eggishmilkiness,
the those FIERY crumbzzzzz-
i double dunked them, too.
that's right.
too much is the right amount.
then i fried 'em up, and they were real muh-fuh'n crissssssssp.
like, i flipped 'em once or twice, and drained them on paper towels,
then took a spoonful of the HOT oil,
and added it to 1 tsp cayenne, plus a shake of black pepper, plus a shake o two of paprika,
plus a lil baby bit of exxxtra Garlic Powder, too.
holy crap, kids-
that sizzlin' savory spice oil activates a whole new level
of incredible edible awesome sauce to the thing.

and when you fire up those pickles and some onions  and a glug of ho'sauce,
then smooth it out with a lil vegan mayo,
and a crawnchy slap of slaw???
that's a new world of excitement for your F*ing face.

the slaw was just carrots, cabbages,salt, pepper, and mayo, but it really turned the profile
into some kind of majesty.
the bread was from the day before, so i buttered and toasted it a bit.
well, it's not a health food week, it's a sandwich week.
don't come at me with your diet, dudes.
not until the 9th, at the earliest.
that's for real.
...and just HOW elite is a big bite of this battle-beastly spicemeister?

i'm celebrating.
i'm eatin'.
i'm doing this with feeling,
and i've got a whole lotta feelings, boy;
never quiet, never soft.....

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