i'm a terrible vegan.
NOT because i secretly cheat on my twenty-year commitment
to culinary compassion and the vegetable-based barbarian bodybuilding
of bakery-fresh big action.
that's not something that is likely to ever happen.
i won't eat animal bits ever again.
on the real-real-
that sh!t is SO gross to me that i don't even consider any of it
to be, in even the slightest side-way, a sick semblance of actual edible food.
so take it easy,
i'm not sneaking cheese like some F*ing amateur.
the reason i'm a terrible vegan?
it's because i categorically, adamantly, enthusiastically do NOT love all animals.
one specific branch of the animal kingdom can definitely all become extinct,
and everything everywhere from that moment on will be much much better.
i hate cats.
i really really do.
and i almost wish i could muster up the will to feel bad about it,
but they're just SO the most obviously sh!ttiest ones,
i can't feel affection for little murderers who'll watch you die,
and eat your eyes,
and never ever ever truly love you.
i only tell true stories, kids.
and cats are torturers, trophy-hunters, drug-seeking narcissistic sociopaths,
and a slew of other other undesirable doo-doo buttery bad stuff
that i already avidly avoid in humans-
so why would i scoop up the sour turds of something even worse?
i wouldn't i couldn't and i won't.
cats are the devil's children,
and i don't even believe in the devil.
ma nature took pity on my advanced age.
i mean it.
she gifted me with something exxxtra-expert,
and let it stink on ice hard enough for crabtree to sniff out on our walk.
but once in a great while,
she's a good sport about it.
check the happy-berfday-type teleport:
the only good cat is a dead cat.
is it missing it's eyes?
i sorta hope so.
that'd be cosmic comeuppance from the future.
i could only get so close, or the dog would've surely feasted on it's effluvium;
and that's way grosser than the used jawbreaker he was sucking on ten feet later.
a frozen, broken, destroyed demon feline,
courtesy of the woodsly goodness.
there's no joy in the suffering of animals-
even ones who take great joy in the suffering of animals,
that stiffened crow-food fodder did make me smile.
still don't think there's a secret universal plan?
we took the longer long way home,
and would've never found it if we hadn't.
that's what's unfolding as i explore the byways and dirt tracks of my world.
i'm not saying that it was the best present,
only that i got a special discovery by crabby,
withdrawn straight from the snowbanks funded by ma nature,
and nature wins.
life resumes it's usual grind.
minor moments of time, mostly designated as travel periods.
i'm back and forth,
to and fro,
up and down,
and on top of all of that,
i rep a hard style,
i'm no catsicle.
it's not much to brag about,
it's kind of the best part;
never quiet, never soft