wheaties.

mmmmmmmmm.
guys.
i love wheat.
i do, i do, i really do, SO much.
i especially love that pure wheat gluten,
yep.
you know what i'm speaking of,
although you usually pontificate about it from a pedestal,
whilst perched upon it precariously atop a very high horse.
awwwwwww.
wheat gluten,
also known as 'the best part',
and alternately known as  the bane and terror of the unfortunate 1%
of the population with celiac disease,
and the hot topical buzzword dietary doo-doo butter of 100%
of the population of weak-A* diaper-babyism b!tchbags.
haha.
that's just a rough estimate, obviously....i haven't counted them all myself.
anyway,
i love it.
and i love it because i want a toothsome bite of big burly beasty meatlessness,
without resorting to the store-bought onslaught of too-similar-to-dead-things substitutes.
word up.
i made three kinds of seitan-ic sacrificial sexxxiness yesterday.
i did.
because when it's no degrees outside,
and it's windy,
and you go treated to a taco tempest on tuesday,
well,
then you've GOT to bring the heat when it's your turn,
especially if it means avoiding the great, or not-so-great, or so-so outdoors.
yes, it does.
of course,
crabtree and i had already braved the bracing and effacing arctic blasting,
and windburnt our runny noses in a running battle against hillsides and ice-slides,
for an hour or two before cooking times began in earnest.
damn.
i don't like the wind, and i don't like boogers,
and i don't really care for uphill struggling,
however,
i DO like a well-behaved and properly socialized canine co-pilot.
you have to freeze a little first if you want the fire later.
yikes.
that said,
once we took care of our morning constitutional,
i wreaked unholy havoc in my kitchen.
three kinds, i tell you!
why?
because too much is the right amount.
obvi.
check the teleport,
and then i'll tell you all about all of it:

daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn.
it's a wild wheat-meat wednesday meal!!
i made a cup of cooked red lentils in chopped sauteed onions and garlic.
all boiled up in a soy-sauce-splashed broth until they're disintegrated...
then i added that mushy mass into the wheat gluten,
with all the sage, thyme, oregano, and basil,
as well as g.p.o.p., tapioca, sea salt, black pepper,
and chick pea flour, just to bulk 'em up a bit.
that got kneaded into a knot of gnarly gummy goodness,
and chilled out for a good long while.
when it was getting closer to dinnertime,
i divided it into eight roughly equal pieces,
and slooooowwwwwww-simmered them all up
in another 'nother batch of big garlic chunkin', sweet onion wiltin',
tomato based marinara-style sauce, with broth thinning it out,
and spices hooking it up,
and bay leaves balancing the account on my account.
mmhmm.
it takes a while, and requires a few flips to keep it all from sticking and sucking,
but duders, let me just tell you-
it's molto fresh, and soft, and tender, and juicy, and firm,
and it's got that fuego italiano flavor for miles and miles.
served over lightly salted kale-wilted white rice?
that's expert.
and we should acknowledge that those parsley sprankles make it look so nice!
and that's juts the first part!
-
vegan roast is good for you, friends.
i mean it.
i took a block of firm tofu, moderately drained,
and added in some cooked sweet onions, parsley, browned garlic,
paprika, nootch, ground mustard, g.p.o.p., bouillon, and scallions,
and pureed it into a pulpy puddin'.
it looks pretty sloppy, and bloppy, and gloppy,
but that's just phase one.
i stirred that into a sage, thyme, black pepper, olive oil,
and wheat gluten blend,
with the obligatory tapioca touch to cut the squeak,
and some crushed up beans, to add bulk.
neighbors,
i rolled that into a big ball,
and rolled that into a whole plateful of crushed roughly-cracked black pepper,
for a crust of hottness that took the whole thing up into the future....
and after a little rest, and a wrap in foil,
i roasted it in the oven for an hour,
with every fifteen minutes, freakin' off a little 90-degree rotation,
in a 350 degree F firebox.
when it was done, i let it cool a little tiny baby bit,
and sliced off a slew of slabs,
and fried 'em up into a brown-edged steaky scene......
but, that's not enough, is it?
c'mon.
you know that rules is rules, kids.
i covered ALL of that with flash-seared and low-baked shiitake, oyster,
and little baby 'bella mushrooms,
with a touch of minced red onion,
and some quartered brussels, too.
that's how to get a little more expert with that big beige beast roast,
and activate it with exxxtra nutrients.
wait a minute-there's more!
heck yes.
-
vegan sausages!
half of the tofu mix for the roast,
but with more garlic, like, three more raw cloves;
and more onion, like, another half a sweet one;
and liquid smoke;
and more nootch;
and smoked sea salt;
and smoked paprika;
and some scallions, too.
whew.
that's a batch of barbarian battle beans right there-
into a standard dry seitan mixture,
with fennel, agave, celery seed, mustard seed, rosemary, basil, thyme,
sage, marjoram, oregano, more g.p.o.p., and a punch more of parsley!
sausages aren't for under-spicing,
and they're surely not for babies.
they get rolled, foil-tamale-tied,
and steamed for 30-45 minutes or so,
depending on how thick they are.
i fried these finished F*ers up and draped them among
slow-caramelized poblano, green bell, orange bell, and italian wax peppers,
with red onion and sweet onion strips,
for the closest-to-perfect bunless preparation of  'ausages 'n' peps i've had in ages.
holy sh!t.
that's a lot of food.
-
but,
i was't about to let it go at that.
no way.
so i also made that red & green salad, too.
yuuuuuuup.
you know it had to happen,
because otherwise i might not've stuffed myself into a self-destructive
shark-gluttonous salad overdose after all that other other stuff got shoveled
and shoved into my stomach!!.
the thing is,
a little crawnch goes a looong way,
and when it's that simple,
you'd be a real A*-hole NOT to make it so.
i'm just sayin',
vegetables are dope,
and more vegetables is doper.
cukes, halved tiny bitty baby sweet grape tomatoes, red onion, scallion, & parsley.
that's all.
with lemon juice and olive oil and a little minute to marry all the flavors.
wooooord.
i spanned a whole lot of time in the kitchen yesterday.
some folks might suggest i squandered a day off working too hard.
i'd just say i made myself stronger on almost every level,
and i enjoyed created some stuff i enjoyed eating too much of.
....i guess i did alright.
overdoing it is what i do.
it's all really happening,
and that's the whole point;
never quiet, never soft.....