i'm a muffin person, dudes.
yuuuuuup.
ok. ok. that's fair-
i'm also a cake, pie, cookie, tart person, to;
but for this post, i'm the mutha-lickin' muffin man, man.
mmhmmm.
blueberry muffins are among the most revered of all muffins.
i'm with that.
the thing is- i can't leave well enough alone,
so my bloobs are never just bloobs.
nope.
and these new bloobie bloobers are yet another 'nother example of that.
y'ready?
alright.
check the teleport:
wooohoooo!!
these are the ones, neighbors.
uh-huh. the ones that make that blueberry sh!t go to eleven.
blueberries.
white chocolate chips.
coconut.
streusel AND raspberry frosting.
hell yes that's what we're reppin' in the woodsly goodness for breakfast.
why two sizes?
because too much is the right amount, bro.
jeez, keep up why don'tcha...
ok, so i know you want to make some,
so i s'pose that's the next thing to discus and describe.
-
*
BLOOBWHITECHOCONUTS!
-
preheat your oven to 350℉
-
in an appropriately-proportioned mixing bowl, combine and cream:
1 stick (8T) vegan butter;
3/4 cup sugar;
2 tsp vanilla;
1/2 tsp salt.
once completely blended, stir in:
2/3 cup non-dairy yogurt (you could totally use blueberry or vanilla here, for exxtraness)
-
next, add:
2 1/4 cups a.p. flour;
1/3 cup macaroon-fine unsweetened coconut;
1 tsp baking powpow;
1 tsp baking soda;
1/2 cup wild small blueberries;
one huge handful vegan magic white chocolate chips;
and one cup of non-dairy milk.
combine all of that, gently, but completely,
and scoople it evenly into your greased cupcake/muffin tins.
i got a dozen regular-sized, and two dozen midi-minis...
-
some of 'em have that streusel.
y'all eff with y'boi dr. streus?
ha!
oh, c'mon.
it's a scoop of vegan butts, a bigger scoop of powdered sugar,
a spoonful or two of that fine coconut, and oats, cut together until clumpy.
eyeball it. that's a great way to intuit your own hottness.
i've literally never measured streusel ingredients.
why?
because the worst case scenario is you made cookie dough,
and the best case is that there's a a lot of it.
throw those crOmbles on top,
and bake those bad little blumps for 30 minutes.
guys!
they're too freakin' tasty, and they caused problems amongst all my peoples.
yup.
two dozen bite-sized prizes, AND those crumb-caked bloobonauts from the future???
c'mon.
mutha-'uckers said they tasted like cereal.
like, they were called spookyfruits.
huh?
no. i have no idea what that means either.
i do know that the leftover raspberry frosting only served
as a magic metric activator for the flavors that were already inside these little nubs.
i ate a lot.
...we all ate a lot.
nobody felt bad.
how could we?
soft, firm, slightly textured toothsome treats are what we want all the time.
and that's just it: we HAVE those all the time.
is that what winning tastes like?
i think it might be.
***********
i get up pretty early.
not as early as some, but i do rise and shine
before the sun peeks out over the horizon.
my first light delights are well underway, every day,
from dark til dark,
bookending any bright spots under the cover of shadows.
that's real.
to add another darkside dimension to my mornings,
i'm kinda sore in ways i haven't been in an age.
that's also real.
rules is rules though,
and while nobody prefers a blarpity oddbody,
the proactive preventative process of push-ups for peepants is already bumming me out.
but, i mean, those are the rules.
for realsies,
i really did not think that pushing up was gonna wear me out.
y'know?
but, every single time i pee, the follow-up is twenty.
no.
i'm not kidding.
why peeing?
because it's dry af up here,
and i need to stay hydrated before i wither and shrivel and crumple into kindling.
so peeing often means plenty of liquid is coursing through my cells,
and pushing up means i get some sort of practical aesthetic benefit to all those bathroom breaks.
no.
it is not a lot of fun;
but it IS good for me, i think.
i'll tell you what, kids-
the first twenty in the a.m., and the last twenty before bed are the worst.
how long is this in effect for?
what's the duration of the decree?
well i won't be doing them in a public bathroom,
because i am NOT touchin' up on any sticky stinkfoot common areas, bro.
so,
it's conditional, but also not that conditional.
on the ones, when am i in a public bathroom?
or out in public?
seriously.
i'll be fine.
besides, broken is fixed?
maybe;
never quiet, never soft.....
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