you have to stop and ask yourself one question first and foremost:
'am i an A*-hole?'
because only a total F*ing A*-hole would refuse to boost up their tastebuds
with sloppy blops and glops of heavily-spiced heavily-hot exxxtra-expert delights.
or, if you maybe have an allergy or something, you might also say no,
since you don't want to die of deliciousness. ...i feel that.
ANYway,
i was freely given the idea,
and when i got done spanning time at job,
the big active participatory event got underway.
dudes!
there were a LOT of components,
and all of them were exxxplosively incredibly edibly elite.
that's a completely accurate assessment, man.
check the aloo-mutha-mutterin'-type teleport:
BUSTIN' FAT SAAGS AND WATCHIN' GHEES AND DALS!!!
oh, come ON.
you like it.
y'all ain't even ready for how much boomfire flavor lives in these b!tches.
on the ones,
there's layers and tiers and levels of complex hottness thriving and surviving
and surpassing old goals within each of those bowls.
i mean it.
and that bread?
bro, you are gonna sh!t your pants with happiness on the first bite.
definitely bite it, but also definitely bring spare pants.
just in case.
you want to make some?
ok!
here's what we did:
-
*
ILL NA-NAAN!!
-
in a mixing bowl, combine:
1 1/2 cups flour;
1/2 salt;
2 tsp baking powder;
1 tsp baking soda;
black pepper;
4 T vegan sour cream;
-
stir in:
1/3 cup warmed non-dairy milk;
3 T melted earth balance non-dairy vegan butter;
you may need to knead in MORE flour.
it's possible that this is a little wetter than i recall.
no matter- knead it into a tight lil ball, and let it rest for a bit.
divide the ball in half, then each half in half again,
and then take all four of those, and, you guessed it- cut 'em in half.
that's eight great balls of breadsly bang-bang for your bellyhole.
don't worry-you wont regret this.
hand-stretch each one into a flat 4-5" circle.
meanwhile , back at the stovetop: heat a pan on high high high heat.
i hope you've got a gas stove, too, because that's kind of the best part of this project.
a tiny tiny pat of butter, melted before each one gets fried is essential.
that's how side one gets all brown and luscious-looking.
they puff up a whole bunch, which is good.
but this here's the best part: toast the second side on the open gas flame!!!
yeah!
DO IT!!!!!
that's how you make it extra good.
*
y'wanna know what goes great with those?
fiery fresh hot onion relish!!!
that';s the red stuff you get as a tabletop condiment sometimes at better indian restaurants.
it's HOT, it's crunchy, it's red, and it's dope.
also,
it was surprisingly simple to make:
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*
RELISH!
-
1/4 cup diced red onion;
1/2 tsp paprika;
1/4 tsp hot hungarian hard-style paprika;
a shake or two of cayenne;
black pepper;
1/4 tsp cumin;
2 tsp cayenne-pepper ho'sauce.
^^^that's it. you just stir it up and let it hang out^^
*
now, if you take those breads, and you add coolwater cukes, and firebomb onions,
AND a blop of unsweetened plain yogurt
(i used some new cashew jauns that were top notch)
you're about to have to hold on to the top of your heads,
because the collective minds of all who've had this have all been blown way out of body
and into the universal aethersphere of time and space.
eat it, just maybe wear a hat, is all i'm sayin'.
***********
dudes,
that was just bread and stuff.
are you ready to really get into some grown-A* really-real things?
yeah?
i hope so.
check this out:
DAL SHAKARAKANDI!
neighbors,
y'boi effs with lentils pretty heavy.
and when you start tossin' in swee's?
c'mon, kid; that's expert AF.
where do we start?
we start at the top-
*
in a medium sauce pot,
saute one half a red onion in 2 T vegan butter;
2 T tomato paste;
and along the edges, toast up:
lots of cumin, coriander, ground mustard, ground ginger, and paprika (sweet and hot);
crack in some black pepper (lots),
and add a dash of cinnamon, a shake of cardamom, a sprink of celery seeds,
and a baby pinch of clove.
toast all of that up, so the whole house gets the epic ayurvedic aromatics activated.
-
separately,
cube up half a sweet potato, skin-on, and boil that sweetie pie until it's semi soft.
drain it, and save it for a second, man.
jeez. don't be in a hurry. we'll get there in due time.
-
add a 15oz can of green lentils to the tomato, onion, and spices,
along with half a jalapeno, minced.
red lentils wold be great, too, but you'll need to add broth to those to cook 'em up.
and 1/2 cup crushed tomatoes, and maybe another tsp of vegan butter;
toss in 2 cloves of crushed garlic;
next, add a bay leaf, and GPOP, and 1/2 cup water.
toss in 1/4 cup cilantro stems, finely diced,
and those sweetie taters, too.
let that simmer on low-low while everything else is cookin'.
and right before you dish it out,
stir in a handful of chopped green onion.
pretty much a full-steam straight ahead dish, am i right?
well,
when you serve it,
it NEEDS a blarpity blop of that unsweetened plain 'gurt.
you see it on there, but you need to taste it in your face.
nothing will be the same after that.
you'll have evolved into the super-saiyan vegan-ultra blue form.
.......whatever that means.
*
the real standout supersexxxy exxxplosivo deluxxxo, tho?
those cauli-wobbles.
no doubt.
check the teleprompted teleportation:
GOBI MUTTER SAAG, SON!!
that's cauliflower, and peas, and spinach, all in one place,
and i've got to say,
the undertones of coconut and citrus and ginger really turned it up to eleven.
that's no joke.
here's how it popped off:
-
*
GOBI-WAN KENOBI!
-
in a flat saucepan,
saute one bunch of green onion tips in 2 T unrefined coconut oil,
with lots of cumin, coriander, ground ginger, and dried mustard;
add a heavy blast of turmeric, and lesser notes of cardamon and cinnamon and nutmeg;
once the spices are toasted,
toss in 2 cloves chopped garlic and 2 T tomato paste,
a half a chili (or more) minced, plus some cayenne for exxxtra ambient heat;
then a head of cauliflower, chopped up into small nibbleable nubs;
let that simmer around for a few minutes,
then add:
1/2 cup crushed tomatoes;
3 T lime juice;
1 thumb-sized nug of finely chopped ginger with the skin-on;
1 cup of non-dairy milk;
a heavy shake of GPOP, and lots and lots of black pepper-
turn it down to medium-low heat,
and now it simmers for another couple minutes, covered-
and the turmeric stains everything,
and that's when you add half a bunch of cilantro,
and half a cup of frozen peas.
mmhmm.
the peas add a little bitty bit of liquid as they defrost,
and that keeps it all from sticking to the bottom of the pan.
last, a few big handfuls of chopped baby spinach leaves,
left on top to steam in the splendor until a final stir before serving mixes it all together....
daaaaaaaamn, my friends-
when you add this stuff to basmati rice,
and add fresh cilantro and chili pepper,
and some of that HOT relish,
into one of those naanwiches?
like 2chainz says:
you. a. miracle.
it's simply the only answer.
y'all are a miracle.
***********
food is where my attention goes whenever i stop paying attention to anything else.
hmm?
man,
i'm at the tattoo studio almost every single day of the year.
and i'm steeped in the stinky inky environment of that place from my toenails
to my eyebrows.
i'm present, accounted for, and accountable for being there all the damned time.
don't you worry about that.
however,
when i'm not there, i'm surely gonna be making food.
yup.
that's what i DO.
i work and i cook and i bake and i eat.
i'm a practitioner of practice making perfect.
of course, imperfect practices won't amount to much, will they?
so i steadily savor the surround-sound experience of full-immersion in the moment,
but i keep a tippy-toe in the headwaters of the future.
.....yeah.
you guys are destined to get 99% of my personal attention,
but please forgive the 1% of my brain that will forever be wondering:
what's for dinner?
i don't know yet, but dammit, i really need to;
never quiet, never soft.....
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