the one right before you look to see just how bad it is?
when you know it's bad, to the extent that you almost don't want to check on it?
yeah.
that's the one.
i had that.
and it dropped my guts about forty fathoms below my feet;
and that's before the running water hit the wound,
and all my vital hydraulics started pouring out like a fountain.
because then the edges of my vision swam for a split-second,
right before the calm crept in,
and i handled the situation with my secret stash of stoicism.
that's real.
hmm?
oh, you wanna know what happened!
dudes!!!
i tried to chop my finger off!
yup.
well,
mostly, i tried to keep a cake from sliding off of a plate,
while i was also less successfully trying to cut it,
and all that extra movement had cake falling, and hands grabbing,
and knives doing their only job, just at the wrong work site.
this'll serve as a reminder for the remainder of the healing process and beyond
to NOT try to catch things with my invaluably precious manual instruments!
jeez.
you'd think i'd know better.
in fact,
i DO know better.
the grossest part?
i think it was the sound that clued me in, before any pain fired up.
that's the benefit, and the b!tch of a super-factory-laser-sharpened new knife-
...it's too damned samurai for general use.
and now my poor poor middle finger is F*ing up the use of my whole off-hand.
damn.
hard styles are out here challenging my resolution of positivity already.
ha.
jokes on those had styles, because that werewolfen warrior poetry i rep
means that i still plated the cake and took a sexxxy picture, one-handed,
because rules is rules,
and even with a still-warm frosting-melting bloody scene just out frame,
and the off camera expletive stream flowing like niagra,
i got a good shot,
and i even ate the bloodied slice afterwards.
uh-huh.
i think that's called recycling.
besides, most of the blood was everywhere else, anyway.
check the teleport:
MOSAIC!!
it's got almonds,
dried cranberries,
and coconut.
plus a tiny bit of post-bake fingertip, too.
bummer about the frosting melting, but, really,
i was more concerned about my digits than the cake's proximity to the hot oven.
i really like that top, though.
it started at the bottom, of course, now we here...
upside down bitsies make for tip-top cake magic with just one lil flip.
expert!
i think the actual cake itself tastes positively amazing,
and the texture is pretty flippin' great, too.
a lot of brown sugar,
and coconut, help to sweeten and tighten up the crumb.
it's moist as heck, it's dense, but not heavy,
and it's got a golden crusty skin from all the long baked carmelization on the edges.
you may want to make one of these yourself, and maybe skip the amputation,
or not....
the thing is, i ate a LOT of this, mostly as revenge.
here's how you too can cake it up like a real hero:
-
*
MOSAIC CAKE!!
-
preheat your oven to 360℉
-
in your awesomely power-assisted super-helpful stand mixer,
with the whisk attached,
cream up:
1 stick (8 T) earth balance vegan butter;
1 cup light brown sugar;
4 T sugar;
1 tsp vanilla;
1 tsp almond essence ( i got the gel, not the liquid, and it's DOPE);
1 tsp coconut extract;
1/2 tsp salt.
-
get it creamy, the add in:
1 single-serve non-dairy yogurt, or, 2/3 cup vegan yo-yo 'gurts, or equivalent.
-
whip it good, then sift in:
2 1/2 cups flour;
2/3 cup ground unsweetened unsulphured dried coconut meal;
4 T tapioca starch;
1 T cornstarch;
1 tsp baking soda;
2 tsp baling powder;
1/2 cup chopped dried cranberries;
give it a once-around,
and while it's turning, pour in
1 cup almond milk, curdled slightly w/ 1 T vinegar.
-
whisk that long and hard, until it's fluffed the F* out.
now, in a greased 9" springform pan,
drop a handful of sliced toasted almonds,
and another 'nother handful of dried cranberries intermittently around the bottom,
and pour the cake batter over the top, spreading it evenly.
bake that sweet babboo for at least 45 minutes.
yes, the outer edges will gte brown.
that's okay.
yes, it'll be a real thickie.
that's cool too.
yes, the top will look cool as hell-
that's sort of the whole point, neighbors.
c'mon.
get with it.
***********
y'all may not know this,
but for over a year now, i've been steadily creating, baking, cooking,
and posting treats and radical vegan eats, every single day on instagram.
i set a subtle secret goal to maintain a daily presence for a whole year,
and i did just that, and then some.....
every. damned. day. something new.
sometimes twice a day.
that's no joke,
and that's a LOT of F*ing cake-
i also said that after the year,
if no great increase in interest was generated in what i've been up to,
that i'd back off, and focus on something else with equal intensity.
well,
guess what, guys?
the secret universal plan sent a slicing reminder to me that maybe,
just maybe,
after all this culinary peacockin' it's time to give it a rest.
now, i'm conflicted.
not just because too much is the right amount,
which sort of demands MORE of everything all the time,
but also because i really LIKE firing up this oven to make tasty yumyums, bro.
however,
since either my product, process, or plating are lacking that special something,
maybe an insistent social presence isn't required...
i'm not going to stop cooking, kids.
man's GOT to eat.
however,
showing off isn't garnering any flour-powered movie checks,
so devoting chunks of every day to big-timing isn't an effective use of time these days.
also,
my finger is half-removed.
that isn't helping.
so,
is today the day i miss a day?
...maybe.
it's too soon to tell,
and i'm doubtful that anybody has much interest either way.
that's not a cry for attention, either, dudes.
i'm just telling the truth as it appears to me.
if something bigger and better pops up in the midst
of the impending abominable blizzard wizardry,
then treats'll have to sit this one out.
it's giving me anxiety,
but maybe getting nervous first is part of a big change towards new hottness.....
events unfold, and real-life documentarians report what's happening.
i do that,
and i'll continue to, too;
never quiet, never soft.....
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