Saturday, January 13


i had a whole long day full of yelling about stuff.
not angrily, not happily, not even with any particular theme or motivation...
it was just loud, fresh, hardness for your face,
all day long.
i had tattoos poppin',
i had people laughin',
i had heads shakin',
i had cake gettin' eaten,
and then,
at the end of my workday i had nothin' left,
and some powerful hunger gnawing at my reserves and my resolve and my reason...
fortunately, i also had a pair of graffiti eggplants in the fridge,
with their thin purple and white striped skins, and dense, soft, unpithy flesh.
skins-on is how i doo-doo my eggplant,
and i doo-doo my eggplant in quantity, and quality,
with a dredge, bread, fry, stack, bake process that jus can't be beat.
for realsies.
check the teleport:

legit, those're staxxx on staxxx on staxxx,
with th'underchee' and daiya and sauce in between each tier.
and the sauce IS homemade.
the eggplant was perfect, and that's no joke.
is there a secret to making succulent, crisp-edged melt-in-your mouth amazingness?
there might be a few, actually,
but i'll happily share what i've learned with you-
slice your eggplant into discs 1/4" thick or less.
you can leave the skins on if you use the smaller, sexier, italianier ones.
those great big seedy, pithy purple d!ck emoji jauns are NOT invited, bro.
those are for baba ganoush and little else in my world.
i hit 'em heavy with the salt, on a wire rack, over the sink,
and let 'em produce that bitter black water that bubbles up and out of their interior-
a quick rinse, and a gentle paper towel pat-dry,
and your circles are ready for breading.
you've gotta get your activated eggless batter ready-
you'll need 1 cup of non-dairy milk, 1 T ground chia/flaxmeal blend,
1 T nootch, and 1 T egg replacer, all whisked and allowed to thicken up.

and you're gonna wanna have a superflavorful herb-crusty dredgeable flour-power, next:
it's 1 cup crushed cornflakes, 3 T flour, 3 T cornstarch,
plus GPOP, oregano, thyme, basil, salt, black pepper, nootch, and crushed red pepper...
you put it in the wet, then dump it on both sides in the dry,
and fry it up in HOT vegetable oil in a big ol' skillet.
they get good and crispy, and especially soft and succulent at the same time.
this recipe made two pretty big towers of delicious,
so be prepared for multiple panfuls of frying...
there's also the matter of the SAUCE.
and the SAUCE is the unifying force that bonds it all together.
that's real.
in a big-little saucepot,
saute 1/2 an onion, minced;
2 cloves of sliced garlic;
one small peeled, minced carrot;
GPOP, salt, pepper;
a tablespoon of red wine vinegar;
a tablespoon of soy sauce;
1 cup chopped tomato;
a punch of nutritional yeast;
1 1/2 cup crushed tomatoes-
seriously, i didn't even add any extra herbs!
and it was STILL amazing.
i had it bubbling while my oven preheated to 380℉,
and i laid it down heavy on the bottom of a baking pan.
then i dropped eggplant, thinned and garlicky th'underchee',
minced daiya mozzarella, and MORE sauce,
then eggplant, again, and all the other stuff, again,
and then another, and another 'nother layer, and finally some MORE SAUCE!!!
i baked 'em while the water boiled for spaghetti,
and i took out the eggplant and drained the pasta,
and plated it all up with a scoop of sauce in between,
and a little arugula,
and some parsley sprankles, because rules is rules,
and spranks are awesome.
word up.
that's a LOT of carbs, but we don't keep count around here.
in fact,
i added that slice of homemade sourdough to soak up any stray sauce,
because too much is the right amount,
and taking it easy is for chumps.
it was realllllly freakin' good.
it IS time consuming, which is not my favorite part-
but, then again, my friday nights are not the drama-and adventure-filled debacles
of ordinary 9-5 weekenders enjoying time away from work.
that's for young people and unimaginative adults who need
to escape their ordinary lives for forty eight hours of irresponsible idiocy.
that ain't me, dude.
i've got sh!t to DO.
so instead of effing around,
i'm on the every-damned-day grind,
even at nighttime as dinnertime turns into a F*ing project.
i'm busy being a person who creates things.
and i'm reppin' the always-o'clock-shift,
which never ever really stops and never really ever sleeps.
fridays, i'm in LOVE, bro...
with making the minutes count for something.
my mornings are glorious,
my days are full,
my nights are delights,
and it's ALL really happening,
for which i count myself among those worthies of warrior poets.
real life documentarianism as a firsthand narrative is my saga,
and it's getting, longer, louder, fresher, and harder than ever before;
never quiet, never soft.....

No comments: