Friday, January 12


pizza is too damned good.
no, you don't understand-
i'm sayin' that pizza is better than everything else.
...and i'm not kidding.
we want pizza.
we get pizza.
it's the actual practical best part of being an unbeholden adult with a kitchen full of supplies.
think i'm joking?
think again, neighbors.
i got home from an underimpressive workday,
and i more than made up for it with some fast-actin' breadstick-style dough
which i transformed into a fat rectangle of fresh veggies, crushed tomatoes,
with two kinds of non-dairy chee'!
yeah, man.
i needed somethin' to turn up the volume on the day
and bestow some big, hot, crispy, high-intensity positivity
onto the remaining hours back home at the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress.
i made somethin' that always brightens the horizon, and blasts my bellyhole with satisfying benevolence.
if you only like one kind of pizza, i think your face is a real dumb one,
and i don't like you anymore.
real talk.
we made a two-for-one on a wrecked rectangle of stretched semi-semolina high-gluten goodness,
and it was F*ing awesome.
check the teleport:

gimme pizza!!
no day with pizza in it is a bad one, because there was hope and crust and sauce ready
to encourage a little more optimism no matter what.
brussels, seitan bacon, and onion?!
y'got your braised brussies, glazed at the last with a splash of soy;
y'got that slightly-seared seitan bacon-
dudes, that sh!t was storebought.
i'd never experienced upton's bacon game before,
and i'm glad i did.
in fact, i prefer their bacon over their standard seitan,
and i would get it again.
...just in case you wondered where i stand on that;
but, getting back to delicious expert vegan pizza:
caramelized vidalia onions;
crushed tomatoes OVER daiya mozzarella, with MORE daiya mozz' on top,
and then custom cashew-garlic tofu th'underchee' drizzled across the whole entire surface,
for maxxxium exxxplosive over-the-top flavor bursting from edge to edge and back again!!
too much is the right amount, kids.
that's real.
radicchio ribbons, for bite and color,
and fried garlic sprankles, because rules is rules,
and up here, if it there aren't any f.g.s. then it's just not right.
anybody can make a decent pizza if they've got the time and the ingredients.
the big power-points?
* good dough.
* a hot oven.
* a baking stone.
really, though, that's where it starts.
get your oven up to a HOT temperature.
i rep 480℉+ in a circulatory convection home oven,
and i'd go hotter still in a wood-fired manlier one.
what's that now? does the saturated stone really matter?
man, c'mon.
it's in the top three powerpoints.
of course it matters.
heat distribution and a consistent transfer to the bottom of the dough
is as vital as the circulating air that's crispin' up the tops of those brussies, bro.
it's a thing, and it matters, so get one, and use it, and see for yourself.
the dough can vary greatly from pizza to pizza, traditional, to sicilian,
grandma to deep dish-
fast bulk, slow proof, vice-versa, and everything in-between.
the main thing is to use the right dough for the right pizza.
this one was a fast-and-dirty no-proof direct-fire breadstick-style grannie jaun,
and it was also a F*ing delight to bite into.
here's the recipe:
in your stand mixer, which you hopefully have because they're the best thing ever, combine:
2 cups flour;
1 cup semolina flour;
1 tsp wheat gluten;
2 1/2 tsp salt;
1 pkg fast-action rapid-rise yeast;
2 tsp sugar;
3 T olive oil;
add 2/3 cup hot water, with 1/3 cup non-dairy milk, + 2 tsp bread machine yeast,
with 1 tsp agave stirred all together and bloomed to where the yeast begins to bubble...
knead on setting 2, with a dough hook attached,
for seven or eight minutes, spread a little bitty baby bit of olive oil ever so lightly,
and cover with plastic on top of your preheating oven for ten minutes.
pull it, press it to the edges of a gently greased square pan,
and let it rise while the oven warms up, and your brussies brown...
the milky emulsifier makes this sh!t fluff the F* up, like a perfect breadstick,
only flat and wide and better.
i don't even time 'em anymore.
you'll know when it's ready,
because you're gonna wanna risk burning your face off
in a hot and heavy makeout session with that golden-kissed kissable crust
and there's still a whole other other 'nother second half of this pizza to talk about!!!
that homemade pesto was every bit as awesome the next day.
thinned just a tough, and spread thickly and evenly on side two of our doubleheader.
with caramelized onions, a little bitty bit of daiya,
and a whole bunch of halved sweet baby grape tomatoes, this one was molto flavorful.
the th'underchee really turned it up to eleven against that basil-almond burliness,
and a dash of that smashing seitan bacon brought in a whole no-jokes
smokily adult element of sophistication that gave me some emotions in some places....
when the radicchio and the kale floated down post bake, i knew i was falling in love.
so i did what i always do, dudes.
i devoured and destroyed it.
that's how it goes.
yes, of course the fried garlic sprankles were on that side, too.
what do you think i am?
an A-hole?
i'm a passionate and compassionate pizza producer,
and i don't eff around with that weak sauce.
not once, and not ever.
it's warmed up almost sixty degrees of fahrenheit heat,
but, while it's above freezing,
it's not warm,
and it is for sure not dry.
and what do we get when snow gets soft,
and then soaked and compressed?
that's riiiiight-
deathtrap destruction ice!
everything is slick and slippery,
and all of it is getting diamond-hard under the weight of itself.
if we're really lucky, a quick overnight drop in temperature
should have the entirety of the woodsly goodness careening of the beaten paths,
and sliding downhill with even the slightest of declines becoming
the most treacherous of downward spirals.
how's THAT for being more optimistic in 2018?
we're headed towards the bottom of the barrel,
but only because of gravity, and the elements.
who knows what sunken treasures may lie in wait for us down there?
not me,
but i think we're about to find out;
never quiet, never soft.....

1 comment:

Beznarf27 said...

THAT'S what I'm talkin' about! That right there! Now THAT is a pizza. I am SO going to make pizza for dinner tonight after reading this. Cheers for the quick dough recipe and for the prospect of deliciousness at the end of our day :)