Tuesday, January 9


i went all in, and all out, and over the top.
i mean it.
because when y'boi has a berfday too much IS the right amount.
real talk.
i made myself a four-layer, multi-tiered, supa-dupa-fly, exxxtra-af,
expert, elite sweet cakey exxxplosion for my face.
that's no joke.
forty two is for real, man.
look at this supersexxxy stack of fresh-to-death frosted flavor bombardment:

c'mon, man.
that's excessive, which is to say: just right.
i know!
the cake itself is a triumph.
like, the crumb within, i mean.
and with stacks on stacks on stacks of it rising high,
it's literally elevated above ordinary cake from the get-go.
a slight creamchee' suggestion in that airy, fluffy, betterthanevercreme frosting
gives it an especially rich flavor-
and then there's that light and bright chocolate superwhip jauns,
AND the darrrrrrrk deep fudge swirls, too.
when it's time to bake MY berfday cake,
it's gotta be some other other sh!t, for sure...
after all, why would i want some ordinary action,
when i could just as readily make some level-eleven activation?
that's the realest i know how to be, and reality is what i'm all about-
so naturally, i doo-doo that freaky sh!t....
we made a lot of frosting, so there's a little left over,
we used a LOT of frosting, so the remainder is not a large quantity.
the recipe is simple:
in your stand mixer, with the whisk attached, soften and smoosh:
1 stick(8T) vegan butter;
1 tsp vanilla;
2 T vegan (tofutti) creamchee'-
next, add in:
3 cups powdered sugar;
*1/4 cup cocoa for the chocolate version;
1/3 cup non-dairy milk.
adjust the powdered sugar by as miuch as 1/4 cup, relative to the liquid,
so that the frosting gets aerated, and lofty, bt retains peaks when tapped.
^^^^straightforward boomfire, for your bumbaclot bums,buddy.
the dark dark dark chocolate one, made from the chocolate leftovers,
is roughly 1/2 cup finished chocolate frosting,
plus 2 T cocoa, and 1 T shaved dark chocolate.
re-whip it, and get ready for the full-bodied flavor of deep darkness to overwhelm you.
you've been warned.
two 9" pans, 1 7" springform, and one 4" mini springy form.
that's what i had, greased and floured, and ready to rock.
i wanted allllll the cake, and tha's what i made.
there was very little math involved in this process,
but i biggerized my normal cake recipe a little baby bit,
and it worked out perfectly.
that's real.
here's what happened:
preheat the oven to 350℉
in your stand mixer, whisk-equipped, and ready to rock, combine:
1 stick vegan butter;
2 tsp vanilla bean paste;
1/4 cup raw demerara sugar;
1 cup sugar;
generous 1/2 tsp salt;
when that's all one messy mass, whisk in:
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce;
1/2 cup vanilla non-dairy yogurt.
congrats, now you have aromatic mud.
sift in:
3 2/3+  cups flour;
2 tsp bakey powder;
1 tsp bakey soda;
1/4 cup tapioca flour.
barely whisk that up,
and pour in:
1 full cup non-dairy milk activated with 1 T lemon juice
3 T agave.
- whip it, whisk kit, fluff it, puff it, and generally add air everywhere.
use your eyeballs, and divide the batter into those flour waiting pans.
they're gonna need to bake for at least 25, but likely more tha thirty minutes.
that's cool, though, because the whole house is gonna smell amazing the whole time.
that kind of bonus hottness is always invited, neighbors.
word up.
cool your cakes, of course, and trim the tops so that you've got level layers.
don't worry, friends-
we're gonna put chocolate frosting in between everything,
add the crumbled up cake bit,
AND toss in a few crushed coffee cookies from the other day, too.
at least,
we did that.
i dunno what y'all are trying to do...
frosted, stacked, frosted some more, and decorated all over the flippin' place-
plus, after all the blops got squooshed on the surface,
we added a bunch of those big, shiny, golden sugar glitter sprankles!!!
rules is rules, and the fancy stuff is verrrrry necessary.
...and then you sing and make wishes and sh!t.
check the 'port:

the cake standard has been raised.
wedding-style cake for birthday parties?
it's happening.
the rest of y'all can go buy a store-brand frozen sheet-cake or whatever.
the worthy warrior poets of the north, however, are erecting towers of taste and texture
as testaments to the triumph of time's passage.
anything less is for A*-holes;
never quiet, never soft.....

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