Thursday, February 15

BIG B!!!!

i made myself the big B,
just because i love being the chief chopper and show-stopper
in my Folk Life & Liberty Fortress test kitchen laboratory.
i was up early, trying to squeeze every last drop of valentiney goodness
out of the whole damned day.
i had dough whirling on the imbedded hook of
my stooped and bowed brokeback stand mixer.
i had batter resting in the fridge.
i had spices sifted and stirred, awaiting seitanification.
i was up and at 'em,
and i was on'n'on'n'ON it with alert alacrity from the moment i opened my eyes.
and with those same good-lookin' amber-colored maple-syrup-tinted orbs,
i spied an opportunity to turn my solo span in my expansive manse into something
a little MORE expert.
when you see a chance, y'gotta seize it, right?
i said to myself: "self, you deserve a beautiful romantic breakfast.
you're a lover, and a fighter, a writer, a righter, a wright, and usually right.
go for that beautiful big action all by your lonesome.
don't let solitude dictate the day."
and the  i was all like: "damn, man. y'all all kinds of WISE like a guru and sh!t."
and then i made breakfast.
check the teleport:

* chocolate chip oatmeal coconut panniecakes??
with strawberries, AND coconut sprankles???
word up!
this ain't where the weak-sauce watery diaperbaby buttholes wimp out.
this is where the worth-a-sh!t sorcerers of superfancy loud, hard,
fresh-to-deathliness doo-doo that freaky sh!t, holmes., like, recognize.
* heart-shaped exxxtra-crispy soft-centered salty hashbrownzzz??
F* yeah!
* fresh homemade spicy seitan brekkie sausages??
c'mon, i'm ON it, kid.
rules is rules, fools,
and y'need the sexxxiness if it's valentine time, right?
* tofu scramborghini, with blackened baby sweetie tomatoes?
that's exxxactly what those are.
ummmm, are those chocolate covered strawberries, too?
what are you?
an A*-hole??!
of COURSE they are.
don't be dumb.
too much is the right amount,
and besides, valentine's day is s'posed to be cute like that, man.
you want recipes?
do you?
you DO?
sounds good.
here they come:
in a mixing bowl,
1/2 cup flour;
1/4 tsp salt;
1/4 cup fresh-ground unsweetened coconut from flakes into meal;
1/4 cup oatmeal prepared the same way (spice grinders are a must-have, y'feel?);
1 tsp bakey soda & bakey powder;
2 T vegan sour cream OR non-dairy yogurt.
2-3 T melted vegan butterish;
1 cup non-dairy milk;
1 tsp vanilla.
combine gently, and refrigerate at least an hour.
you may need to add a little scoochie droplet more milkiness to thin it,
but i believe in you.
are you adding chocolate chips to yours?
you ARE?! nice. put 'em on the unflipped side, so they don't burn and turn to charred turds.
that's right.
then, the flip will goldenize the surface, and only barely soften your cakes.
a nearly high-heat pan, and some butts or spray,
to keep the sticking at bay, help when you;re using shapes, btw.
that's the way to do it.

in a colander,
salt up:
1 small shredded carrot;
1/4 paper-thin sliced sweet onion;
1 large skin-on sredded red potato.
let that sit for fifteen minutes, and squeeze all that gros starchy water away.
give it eleven MORE mnutes, and do it again.
press all of that firmly into a heart-shaped metal form,
or a circle, of just do it sloppy if you;re lazy and lame.
but fry it in a hot oily pan, until the first side is very crispy,
then flip it and remove the form.
you wouldn't wanna have it fall to pieces, would ya?
no way.
salt and pep it while it cooks to, so it's got that nicey nice.
i ate mine with sliced of that AVOCADO.
i'll tell you, that was the right call.
soft smooth vs crisp crunch and the winner was my face.
yay for victual victories, an' that.
a little onion; a little firm or exxxta-firm tofu, undrained;
a little olive oil; a LOT of GPOP; and some nootch;
turmeric and black peps to activate it; pink or better yet, black salt;
all of that, sizzlin' away, will get you what you need, nerds.
i added hemp hearts at the end.
also, i freak mine off with a little pinch of smoked paprika.
you don't need it, but you kinda need it. y'know? mmmmmmhmmmm.
oil-fried tomatoes, barely blackened also seem to be essential.
i'm not telling you what to do, i'm just insinuating that my way is better.
the sausages were tight and TILTY.
seitan/tofu/onion. garlic jauns,
with allllll the spices and a lot of spiciness, too.
the recipe is on here in a bunch of places.
find it, i guess, if that's your thing.
they were molto dope, tho, for realsies.
and of course,
that's real new hampshire maple syrup.
that's non-negotiable.
if you're using that b!tchsap corn sauce,
you're fired.
and then there had to be coconut sprankles.
and some slightly-trimmed-to-be-even-MORE-heartlike slices of strawberry.
AND then those chocolate-dipped romantic blops, too.
i don't even pretend i'm not all about that stuff.
if it isn't adorable, it's probably not invited.
i can't help myself: i'm sweet even when my girl is gone.
i guess that's my infinite nature-
and since it's the truth that nature wins,
we just have to use the momentum of eternity
to slingshot our finite selves towards a worthy ending, man.
that way, the echoes that rebound and resound throughout time and space
will ricochet with a resonance that reforms into a clearer being next time.
oh, stop.
it's inevitable that we go, bro.
but how we span the time until then is a matter of navigation.
take your worst traits and harness them.
it's all hot fire in between all the cold emptiness of the secret universal plan.
that's what i'm spitting, that's what's coursing in my veins,
that's the spark that keeps burning in the nothingness.
where'd you go?
i though ya'll were with me.
oh well.
moving on, what do you do with all that hot fire?
you forge a steely resolve from the raw iron ore of your core.
we're big black smiths, and we're hammering out a bass-boosted backbeat heartbeat,
with that ring and recoil of every minute.
every impact shapes the sword, neighbors.
over time, you're beaten down.
that's true.
beaten into what, though?
or into a mutha-F*ing +ULFBERH+T?
i'm not saying that a big B on valentine's day gave me this kind of P.M.A.
i'm not saying it didn't contribute.
and then,
this happened:

HOLY SH!!!!!!!!T!!
cherry red enamel for my cherry red heart....
isn't she pretttty????
damn, damn, DAMN!
my stepparents, patti and dennis, came THROUGH big time
with the valentine generosity.
i am so very grateful for my holiday-colored large and in charge new hottness.
i'm about to take my bread game to eleven.
who has the best people?
i think it's me.
and honestly, i'm driven to be worthy of their attentions and affections.
no days off,
no rest,
no time to waste.
there is no down time.
i've got to earn this Folk Life, and be of value the people who populate it;
never quiet, never soft.....

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