Monday, February 5


it's bummer city in new england, u.s.a.
the regional team lost the big game;
to the considerable woe, misery, and shame of almost everyone in the area,
despite the fact that none of them actually played in,
nor even directly contributed to,
any sportsing scores that happened at any point in this whole season.
that's not me, dudes.
nope. not once, not ever.
i'm pretty lucky, really-
never have i tied my sense of self-worth to the performance of strangers
doing things that have no impact on my daily life.
i'm not happy per se that the local populace took a hard L,
to their mood,
and maybe their money (because gambling is really cool if you're not cool),
and their sense of communal confidence,
as provided by people who get paid a lot of money
to run around on pretend grass for eleven minutes of actual game-playing-
all no doubt more keenly and acutely inflicted by the the use of alcohol-
while i might not be happy they're unhappy,
i'm sure as sh!t not even a little scoochie speck of sad about it, either.
i didn't watch the game,
not even for the commercials.
no thanks.
every other time an advertisement interrupts us viewing something
to try and sell us things we don't need, it's a bummer...
...and it's STILL a bummer .
what in the heck am i even going on and on about then?
i DO love a reason to make some situationally-appropriate site-specific succulent
shark-gluttonous superfeast beast smörgåsbord big business, tho.
because that's something that actually affects my life and well-being;
not to mention that i create it all myself,
so nobody can fumble the food and eff it up but me.
the thing of it is: i'll celebrate stuff i don't even care about,
just to get freaky-diki on the main tenet of my sharky feeding frenzies:
too much is the right amount.
that's IT.
i made a whole holy-sh!tballer-A* doodie-twinklin' barbarian buttload of touchdown triumphs,
and i ate a preposterous F*-mountain of all of it.
i lucked out, though, because i wasn't all by my lonesome, either.
on the ones,
you can't be fortunate without nate. ....get it?
my homeboy had a fresh-to-death day of tattbombin', as did i,
and he came through afterwards for our sportsless game-night of face-stuffin' fuel-ups.
word up.
ok. if you read all that, i commend you.
if you skipped to the picture, that's cool too, but i bet you watched the game, didn't you?

that's a lotta hottness, loud, fresh, hard, fried firebombs of flavor for your face!!!!
word up.
first off, i don't mess with soda much these days,
but on those special occasions when i doo-doo that sugarbubble stuff,
i only get down with root beer.
you know that.
it's ok not to drink.
you might've never been told that before,
but i promise, nothing bad happens if you don't use alcohol.
we're gonna have to pull a play-by-play on all this delicious dopeness.
first up, my personal favorite:

yeah, it's always amazing to get some pizza-pie for your eye.
homemade crust?
naturally. the semi-semolina stretch of from-scratch high-gluten goodness is incomparable.
caramelized onions and fried garlic sprankles?
umm, yeah- rules is rules, bro.
smoky, paprika-powdered vegan sausage slices?
c'mon, man, it's SUPER time.
parsley for garnish?
pretty food is what i need, neighbors. believe it.
i had the oven circulating 480℉ degrees all night,
but i also had the dough proofing well in adavance.
i make my magic in the morning, and stretch it out in the evening,
so the yeast has a chance to get good and active, and the developed gluten can withstand a major
dose of crushed tomatoes, daiya mozzarella, protein, onions, and garnishes.
this dough, made in my stand mixer (always) went something like this:
1 cup white flour;
1/2 cup semolina flour;
1 tsp salt;
3 T olive oil;
1 tsp sugar;
1 tsp exxxtra wheat gluten;
2/3 cup warm water;
1  bread machine yeast, bloomed in the water.
kneaded, risen for twenty, covered, and refirgerated all day.
it's become my standard situation in the ornings, and it works great every time.
i baked the whole thing until it was good and browned, and i was glad i did.
this pizza was tremendously satisfying, more than usual, and that's saying a lot.
do y'all mess around with white corn tortillas?
i had some, i sixth'd some, and i baked some, all to make dippin' chips for my

wordimus prime.
guacam-yolo, that's what they say in tahoe, i guess.
i've give you my legendary supreme guac recipe often enough that i'll skip it now,
(here's a link)
let me add this:
the avocados were in that sweet spot where their texture and flavor were absolutely perfect.
they had zero flaws in any way, and they activated this bowl all the way off the charts,
into an even MORE legendary level of sexxxiness.
i am grateful as F* when circumstances converge that way.
what do you guys even know about BACON CHILI CHEE' FRIES?
well, get ready, and strap in, because you're about to learn a LOT about 'em.

the chee' sauce is like this:
1 cup non-dairy milk;
1 T flour;
1 T nootch (nutritional yeast);
1 1/2 tsp each GP & OP (Garlic and Onion Powders)
1/4 tsp ground mustard powder.
1 1/2 tsp turmeric;
1/4 tsp black pepper.
heat it, whisk it constantly, let it thicken, and serve it up.
it's too good to waste, but there won't be any left to waste.
and the fries?
i had steak fries, seasoned fries, and even shoestring fries, all in that 480℉ oven.
i crisped up some weird vegan baconish stuff, minced up, and all smoky and sweet,
just to have the right stuff on hand to top these bad babies with.
then there's that CHILI-
it's flippin' expert, kids.
half an onion, diced, sauteed in olive oil.
plus, three chopped sweet baby bell peppers;
one minced jalapeno pepper;
cumin, oregano, cayenne, coriander, thyme, GPOP, smoked paprika, and a bay leaf,
toasted with the veg;
deglazed with 2 T cider vinegar,
and stirred with 1 T tomato paste.
2/3 can (10oz) rinsed roman beans;
1 can petite diced tomatoes ( 14.5oz);
1 tsp better-than-bouillon soup base;
...i used nate's homemade chipotle habanero jauns, and it was TIGHT.
simmer it down, add a tablespoon of agave, and a punch of cilantro,
then serve it up all hot and spicy for everybody.
damn, duders.
everything expert was in sync all night long.
jalapeno rings and scallion sprankles competed the big picture,
and a big win was guaranteed.
there's MORE to talk about, too-
those nashville hot seitan nugs,
and the double-dipped chick-pea-battered deep fried buffalo cauliflower chunks,
as well as those exxxtra-exxxtra nachos, too.
it'll have to wait, because i'm OUT OF TIME.
we'll talk about 'em soon;
never quiet, never soft.....

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