Saturday, February 3


y'gotta have the hearts, neighbors.
i mean,
it's february,
and even though for some people that just means american football championships,
OR car dealership presidents' day mega-sales-
and i wouldn't buy a car this month if ONLY because i don't eff with any presidents-
OR k-12 childhood winter vacation breaks (at least in the u.s. northeast)-
i'm not doing ANY of that.
for me there's just one thing i'm especially pumped up about.
it's all valentine's pink and red and white snow magic the whole first half of the month.
because after that,
it's colder'n cold and busier'n heck for the whole tail end of the calendar page.
these first two weeks have to come on strong,
and bring enough heat to radiate warm feelings to last me throughout the back half.
and besides, i really like hearts, kids.
i do.
...and romance stuff.
i guess you could say i'm a little soft in the center of this craggy, haggard,
old busted barbarian craptacular carapace and face, man.
and also, i'm kind of into chocolate, too.
so, even though it's early on, it's never too soon to start valentining!
real talk.
chocolate chocolate and white chocolate chip strawberry muffin hearts?
i thought you were keeping up.
no? well, to recap: i like hearts, and chocolate and it's never too soon.....y'feel me?
alright, then.
check the teleport:

these fluffers are where you want to be!
that's no joke.
they're slightly sconey, only less dry,
and they're very choco-luscious, in F*ing full effect.
would you like the recipe for your own personal use?
sure thing:
preheat your oven to 400℉
in a medium-sized mixing bowl, cream together:
1/2 cup sugar;
1 stick (8T) non-dairy butter substitute;
1/2 tsp salt;
1 tsp vanilla.
stir in 1/2 cup non-dairy vanilla yogurt, and mix well.
next up is the dry ingredients:
2 1/4 cups flour;
1/4 cup tapioca starch;
1 tsp bakey powder;
1 tsp bakey soda;
1/3 cup cocoa;
1/2 cup chocolate chips;
1/4 cup white chocolate chips;
and 1/2 cup freeze-dried strawberries.
give that a stir, and then fold it all together with:
1/2 cup non-dairy milk.
if you do it correctly, you should have a very soft dough.
fold it and form it and press it into two equal circles on a floured surface-
flatten them to about 1" thick, and cut them each into 6 wedges,
and press them into heart-shapes. arrange 'em on a baking tray,
and freeze 'em for ten minutes.
that helps to firm 'em up before you bake them for twenty minutes...
holy sh!t they're good!
but, they aren't nearly expert enough until that double-drizzle stripes the tops,
and then the sprankles pretty the whole thing up...
wordimus prime.
too much is the  right amount.
powdered sugar, vanilla, non-dairy milk, and powdered strawberries.
that's dope.
chocolate chips, powdered sugar, vanilla, and a little more non-dairy milk.
that's dope, too.
and together, they make these already-awesome hearts s'kyooooot!!
i'm not going to say how many i ate,
but i can tell you it was a wholly irresponsible number.
i can't help myself, bro.
i'm a shark-gluttonous wild animal when it comes to treats,
and i honestly worry that i physically cannot resist a good baked sweet thang.
i guess that's my weakness.
that, and romance.
awwwwwwww, man.
crabtree ate a weird bone.
it gave him a sour butt.
he didn't sleep, at all, and neither did i.
or, more accurately, i snugged him up super hard, and we both fell asleep early,
so we both paid the price for the entire rest of the night.
that's because we're shark-gluttonous battle beasts, both he and i.
this dog is a suicidal juggernaut of appetite and self-destruction.
i'm just trying to get fat without trying to BE fat.
he's on a drastic weightloss plan,
and it's turning all the snow outside into a mudslide.
this is my real life.
when the cake is baked, and the day is done,
i'm still trudging along in arctic gale winds,
sniffing hot heaps of storm-whipped gusting and disgusting whiffs
of soft-serve sh!t-salad.
and i would've slept alone, too,
but that means i would've had to have gotten some sleep-
which was not in the fortune-telling nighttime forecast, at all.
the thing is-
today is a new day, and tonight is a better night.
...that's what i'm telling myself.
now all i have to do is make it come true;
never quiet, never soft.....

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