TART ATTACK!!!

strawberry pastry creme.
you know about it?
well, you're going to.
yup.
i'm going to give you the recipe,
so that you can make something neat-o with it.
or, you can alternately ignore it,
and do nothing.
that's cool with me, because i have a strawberry pastry creme tart already,
so i'm not sweating it, neighbors.
in fact,
i went all-in and over-the-top with the little cookies,
and the big action.
wanna see?
check the teleport:

S'TAAAAAAAAAAAAART today!!
yeah!
now,
i have detailed at length the steps to make graham crackery cookie crumble crusts
over and over and over in the years and years of writing this diary of dwindling returns.
so, here's what i'm gonna do.
i'll skip all the cookie details,
after i mention this: you CANNOT overdo it.
too much is the right amount.
that's a fact, and that's how i'm livin'.
nothing else interests me.
not at all.
so go for it, and go hard, and then go farther, further, more ferociously,
and freak it off with frosting or sprankles or what-the-F*-ever...
but,
make sure your pastry creme is TIGHT AF first.
real talk- without a solid base to build on,
you're just messin' about, and this is serious sh!t, son.
mmhmmm.
so,
here's the secret to the thing-
-
*
STRAWBERRY PASTRY CREME!!
-
you'll need a saucepot, and a blender to make this happen.
-
over high heat, warm up 1 cup non-dairy milk and 1 tsp vanilla;
-
in a blender, combine:
1 cup non-dairy milk;
3 T flour;
3 T powdered sugar;
2 T cornstarch;
1 tsp vanilla;
1 tsp lemon extract;
3 T powdered freeze dried strawberries;
1 T seedless strawberry jam.
-
pulse the blender to slurry all the stuff,
and pour it into the hot pot with the other cuppa wetness-
then,
still on high heat,
stir it like you'll die if you stop.
it's gonna thicken quickly into a bubbling pudding.
stop stirring, remove it from the heat,
and pour it into your choice of receptacle.
mine was that crumb tart shell;
you do what you do, dude.
it's going to set quickly,
so have your add-ons ready already, or you'll eff it up in the home stretch.
*
guys,
i used a wand mixer to make frosting.
uh-huh.
it was:
tedious.
messy.
frustrating.
ill-suited to the task.
inefficient.
........but it got the job done, eventually.
and that's good news for people who like that sort of thing.
it made me sad about my poor poor standy man, y'know?
the kitchen-aid stand-up is down to his single-purpose dough-hook derailment,
and it doesn't look good for any sort of recovery.
i get attached to things.
hell, you should see me with people.
ugh.
anyway,
wand mixer whisks are NOT what i'd recommend as a substitute,
unless you're lookin' to make the immediate area a sticky mess in a hurry.
ummmmm, yea.
that's what happens, but that's not cool.
***********
tomorrow is the big day.
one of the best.
definitely in the big three.
and i'm ready, if lonely, for a celebration.
i've got tattoos to do,
i've got treats to eat,
and i've got a hot, steamy date, too, kids.
yup.
i'm about to make out and go down on a real saucy piece.
what?
oh, c'mon.
don't be dumb.
it's valentine's day, bro.
i'm not about to miss out on romantic hottness just because i'm going solo.
no way.
it's a predestined full-on grope-session with one exxxxtra-large pizza pie.
mmmhmmm.
nobody ever accused me of not knowing how to get freaky-diki,
and i'm gonna stuff that crust full of love.
or daiya vegan chee'.
whichever is on hand.
(just sayin', i made sure to get the chee')
it's all happening.
unexpected but predictable turns of events,
and turns of phrase,
and turns of coats.
the days progress, and time marches forward,
while i do the same sh!t throughout all of it.
i've got a job to do, and this is IT;
never quiet, never soft.....