every truly self-respecting vegan spicy food enthusiast
has got their own custom tried-and-true take
on the classic original buffalo-style hot sauce.
for sure.
because butter and louisiana pepper sauce is good,
but really-real vegans can't just use margarine and call it good.
they have to have that freak-it-off freak'um sauce.
i'm being very serious.
rules is rules,
and the worthy ones all get busy with their own big buff business.
but,
if they're claim they're spicy, vegan, and professionally appreciative of that new hottness,
yet they don't have their very own variation?
do NOT under any circumstances trust that mincey, minky, sneaky sunovab!tch,
because they ain't about that radical expert vegan life, b.
real talk.
now,
your boy albie rock (that's me) continuously goes deep into the sauce.
in fact,
i'd go so far as to say that i'm preternaturally predisposed
to perpetual perfectionist performance of some powerful SAUCE MOVES.
mmhmm.
i'm not even bragging, neighbors.
my buffzies are the TRUTH.
and y'know where a real display of savvy saucin' comes into play?
on the best complete perfect circle of LIFE,
a.k.a. a mutha-effing pee eye zee zee ayy.
yuuuuuuuuuuuup.
buffalo pizza is the top-level-megaboss of the sauce game.
and if you can rock that, you're a verified official buffalord of the fire, man.
i actually made two pizzas, on two nights, with two different sauces,
just to flex hard,
show off how i hold somethin',
and provide a little big-timey pizza pie lovin' to my people.
that's right.
i get so tilty, and i go so hard that one buff style can't contain all my flavor.
check my pizza-proselytizing-type teleport:
REAL REAL BUFFALO BOOM BOOM BAZOOKA!!
dudes,
i think i might be a magician.
that's a buffy-bottomed long proofed sourdough crust,
positively packed to the limit with fried buffalo seitan,
shredded celery, sliced red onion ring, sweet tomatoes, cilantro,
scallion sprankles, fried garlic sprankles,
AND homemade vegan ranch sauce.
WU-TANG!!!!
guys,
y'wanna know about the SAUCE?
alright.
here's how it happened:
-
*
THICK BUFFALO FATTY SAUCE!
-
in a small sauce pot, heat up:
2/3 cup frank's red hot;
3 T sriracha;
2 T nutritional yeast;
2 T flour;
1 tsp ea Garlic Powder Onion Powder;
1/2 tsp black pepper;
1 tsp paprika;
1/4 tsp cayenne pepper;
3 T earth balance buttery spread...
it melts, and then it thickens, and then it gets niiiiiiiiice.
mmmhmmmm.
i spread half on the bottom like it was tomato sauce,
and i dumped the other half on some still hot seitan, to really pump-pump-pump it up!
and the seitan?
so much hot fire for your F*ing face.
-
*
BUFF SEITANIC!
-
hand tear some seitan into chick'n'ish hunks,
and dredge those wet slabs in a blend of:
3 T cornstarch;
1 tsp ea GPOP;
pink salt and black pepper;
1/4 tsp cayenne;
1 tsp paprika;
1/2 tsp ground mustard.
-
pan fry them until crispy in hot hot olive oil, and toss them with that sauce above^^.
that's some ferocious fuego, friends.
-
the rest is pretty straightforward,
although that pizza dough was on some NEXT LEVEL NEW NEW!
-
*
SOURDOUGH GLUTENATION!
-
in your brand new stand mixer (or your old one),
combine:
3 cups flour;
1/2 cups warm water;
2 T sugar;
2 tsp salt;
1 tsp wheat gluten;
1/2 cup active sourdough starter;
1 T bread machine yeast.
( + flour for adding, and kneading, as needed)
-
pounded with that dough hook for eight minutes on low-low speed,
and rested for a preliminary rise for thirty minutes,
before being refrigerated all damned day, or two, or three-
yeah.
this one was hand-stretched and baked at 480℉ convection,
but only after a 48 hour cold proof.
damn, duders... the crispy bubbly burliness was incomparable.
no joke, it might've been the best crust i've ever made.
and that was the dopium legitness even BEFORE i dipped that sh!t
in my homemade vegan ranch activation, son!
-
*
QUICK COOLIO RANCH!
-
get a lil plastic container, and put this in it:
1/2 tsp dried parsley;
1/4 tsp dried dill;
dash of paprika;
1/2 tsp ea GPOP;
pink salt and black pepper;
crushed red pepper;
1 1/2 tsp apple cider vinegar;
2 T non-dairy milk;
1/2 cup vegan sour cream (i used tofutti because that's what's available around these parts);
1 large clove fresh crushed garlic.
legit, stir that up and refrigerate it in the morning,
and by pizza o'clock in the evening,
you'll wonder out loud why all these non-vegan A*-holes use dairy at all.
it's gross, it's bad for you and the planet, and it's downright cruel,
even though they only kill the boy calves,
and just incarcerate the females for a life of loveless parasitic teat-suckery.
y'all wrong for that.
sh!t, matter of fact- F* y'all milk using jerks.
yup. i said it. do somethin'.
-
ANYway,
the chee' wasn't milk based either, OBviously,
but the dairy-free blend of cheddar and mozzarella,
minced for maxxximum nmeltability,
was still daiya-nomite!
oh, cmon.
even with dad-puns intact, this pizza was ridiculously TIGHT.
huge flavor, high spiciness, magnificent diversity of texture,
and a high quotient of satisfaction from crust to cream....
that's how you do classic buffalo like a master blaster, bro.
if it doesn't go to eleven, it can go F* itself.
believe it.
***********
the thing is,
the first night i had some buffalo jauns,
i went in a totally different direction,
but i still arrived on time and in full effect at luxurious deliciousville.
that's no joke.
buffalo was only one component of a larger more eclectic pizza,
but it was not one lick less expert.
believe it.
i do what i do, and i do it as hard as i can, man.
check the teleport:
BUFFALO CAULIFLOWER POWER, BIHHHHHHH!!!
crushed tomatoes, spinach, caramelized onion, sliced sweet baby grape tomatoes-
all of those things are good for pizza partying.
minced daiya mozzarella chee'? it might be the only way to go with carmies, man.
they're best friends.
fried garlic sprankles are mandatory, and it's been that way for years now.
a decree is a decree and there's no getting away from that, kiddo.
mmmmmmmmmm.
the thing is, the standout sexxxiness ab-so-LUTEly those florets of buffzly cauliism.
no question.
and the prep on 'em was a super-simple two-parter.
-
*
CAULIFFALO BUFFLOWER!
-
heat up a pan and sear some chopped cauliflower (about a cup and a half);
drizzle in a little bit of olive oil and salt, and give it another couple minutes to brown a bit.
here's the key to successful doneness pre-oven-bake:
splash a spoonful of broth on 'em, and cover it for another 'nother minute.
NOW they're ready for a buffy blastoff into spiced nicey-niceness..
yeah!
-
4 T vegan mayo;
1 T sriracha;
1/4 cup louisiana/texas cayenne pepper sauce;
GPOP;
1 clove crushed garlic;
1 tsp nootch;
black pepper;
1/4 tsp hot paprika.
kaBOOM.
so simple, so easy, so buffalicious
you'll wonder why you kept it at just two ingeredients
when clearly the depth and breadth of heroic yumminess
is activated to it's fullest by observing the path of the shark-glutton-
too much is the right amount, guys.
that's non-negotiable.
when you toss the cauliflower in this stuff, there will of course be exxxtra.
save it for drizzlin' over the top of the 'za'za post bake.
a little ho'ho' sauce up is always a good idea.
and then,
arugula and radicchio for some tart notes in with the tang and the sweet and the acidic tomato
and creamy chee' palette for your palate.
if you're not this committed to pizza,
maybe you need to examine yourself psychologically.
no. i mean it.
you might be stoopid if you can't comprehend this much seriously sorcerous sauciness.
***********
i drank coffee.
and now, my heart might exxxplode.
i don't know what possessed me to sip on that stuff.
probably the coconutty nuance to the nose of it.
for realsies, a powerful bouquet will lure me in every time.
only,
now i'm vibrating, and i look blurry to the casual observer,
as i buzz and hum at velocity,
waiting to munch up a bug ol' ginger-lemon muffin.
yup.
i'm wide away, and wide-open on some full-throttle caffeine jauns,
which has me headed into today like a runaway train.
it's all really happening, and there's NO telling where i'll end up.
hopefully, not in the hospital.
however,
i'm too finely-calibrated to take this much high-test stress,
yet here we are, hurtling into the infinite unknown at nine in the morning;
never quiet, never soft......
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