Tuesday, May 14


so i asked myself:
do you think all these white girls eating oatmeal with stripes of seeds on top
are actually onto something, or are they just F*ing around?'
and i though, there's only one way to know for sure-
so i made some myself.
that's the direct route to knowledge, neighbors-
check the fancy-oatmeal-type teleport:

superfancy unnecessary exxxtras *are* more expert
than a bowlful of plain beige blops.
i had a feeling that'd be the case;
after all, too much is the right amount, y'know?
even my spoon was nicer than normal.
i made scottish oats-
burly ones, for burly folks.
those are the sharp shards of cracked groats that aren't rolled into thick ovals.
i also added a handful of the very old fashioned flatty jauns as well.
why not, right?
besides, i like a bit of variety in my morning porridge, people.
soaked up with a pat of vegan butter, and a glug of real new hampshire maple syrup,
and unsweetened coconut-almond milk as the liquid base-
this was already a powerful pile of heroic morning nourishment.
for real.
and then i went and yoga-lady'd it up.
fresh strawbz, frozen bloobs, flaked coconut, pepitas, pecans,
and cinnamon sprankles.
F* yes.
stovetop-type cookin' is what i do.
no package oats over here at the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress.
i'm not being a snob, i just want those barbarian battle oats,
and they don't come in microwave-ready single-serve sacks, son.
if you wanna get exxxtra, y'gotta BE exxxtra.
so i do what i must to get what i need.
....well, if only real life were as easy to accomplish goals in as fancy breakfast is.
you can see that it's much sexxxier than just some sand-colored paste.
and i like that i can take classics and activate a bit MORE hottness.
after all, nobody needs ugly food in their life.
i'm gentrifying my inner self one spoonful at a time.
i've got a lot of unfortunate cancellations ahead of me.
i hate that.
nobody saves money for a cold grey rainy day,
especially not if it's a whole F*ing month of that.....
and it sure has been so far-
yeah.....may is a real A*-hole.
has been for decades.
it's like the junior league disappointment month.
november kind of ties it for worst place, but with more years of experience,
it wins by virtue of seniority.
however, may is an up-and-coming megabummer of a calendar page.
may NOT.
that is what it feels like.
but it'll be june soon.
too soon, and not soon enough, simultaneously.
the year is speeding past,
the days on and off are a whirlwind,
and i need a minute or twenty to catch up.
i doubt that's likely, so maybe i just need stop with all these feelings?
maybe pack 'em back up in the cast-iron vault,
and let the secret universal plan work it's own magic?
or maybe i'll just head over to AMPERSAND TATTOO,
and do a whole bunch of tattoos instead....
provided there aren't any top-secret cancellations poppin' up last minute;
never quiet, never soft.....

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