Friday, May 24


it's not funny, exactly-
how when you use ingredients that taste good,
the finished product tastes good too.
hilarity is not the logical effect of that cause.
it's no joke, either, that using real flour made my latest treat so elite.
100% truth.
gluten might be my homeboy.
just sayin'.
i made an extra thick batter,
with pretend versions of almost everything.
yeah, neighbors, it's the really realness in synthetic approximations.
sour cream, yogurt, and butter?
no way.
but i used dopplegangbangers for all of those things;
and i even used the fake yogurt to replace real eggs.
that's double-duty top-secret-agent-time-type sh!t.
wordimus prime.
check the thunder-and-lightning infused teleport:
raging stormswept gypsy jauns, via pure coffeecrumbycakey activation.
that's a thing.
and i used soooooo many blueberries, duders.
like four or more cups, simmered in citrus,
sweetened with three kinds of sugars,
and thickened up from within, without their own burst skins.
that's all the blue balls, y'all.
bloobs EVERYwhere, y'heard?
i was a little worried that they'd soak into the cake,
but i should've had more confidence in my preemptive
burly barbarianizing of the initial batter,
and the addition of whole oats to the blueberries to sop up the excess sauce.
it worked perfectly.
of course.
and that granola streusel on top?
c'mon, what else could it be?
don't be dumb.
it's got toasted coconut AND almonds, simmered up with cinnamon,
and blended with oats and powdery sugars and buttery-ish pats,
chopped and blopped into hippie-resistant spranks for the last tier
of tasteful texture-enhanced celebratory antioxidant magic.
long weekends make for hard styles.
we've got traffic jammie-jams at every intersection,
we've got waiting lists at every restaurant,
lines at every available checkout register everywhere,
and a whole lot of A*-holes looking at trees and rocks and sh!t everywhere else.
vacations are the worst.
especially for those of us who work most american fat-tard holidays.
a grand don't ever come for free, ninjas,
and the movie checks are in scant and short supply.
what do warrior poets doo-doo to avoid doing what poor people do?
they do work, y'all.
that's it.
you're welcome to come and visit the woodsly goodness,
but please, kids,
try not to F* it up;
never quiet, never soft.....

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