Friday, November 3


let me clear my throat!
when it's rainy, and cold, and grey as heck,
what do we do about it?
for starters, over in my northern neck the woodsly goodness,
we bake a F*ing cake, obvi.
and to be more specific-
from fresh out of the hearth in the heart of the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress,
just what sort of cakey-cakeyness exactly might be poppin' hot out of the oven?
in november, when the sky is falling, and the light is missing,
it's GOT to be coffee cake, of course.
word up.
no other cake has that streuselly crumb topping that warms your body
with it's nibblable nubbles, and brightens your day with it's sunny disposition.
that's real.
the crOmbles are key here, kids.
i mean it.
a good interior coffeecake texture is tight, and righteous, and always welcome in my home...
without that gooooooood streus' up top?
it just ain't no thang, y'feel me?
i want a love affair with my daymakin' daydreamy morning delights.
to that end, my trio of a.m. amazings did their job efficiently, effectively,
and with expert activation across the board.
check the teleport:

yeah, actually, that IS an a la mode slice with cinnamon sprankles.
what do you think i am?
some sort of an A*-hole?
no way, buddy.
i do it right, because i am compelled to and besides,
what else should i do?
have a less enjoyable, less remarkable slice of this sexxxy brekkie bake-up?
c'mon, man. you know better than that.
the objective every day is MORE.
in fact,
too much is the right amount.
and taking it easy is for suckers.
three smaller personal springformed pans of this pleasurable perfection?
that's a good idea.
if you're planing on eating a LOT... which i always am-
then eating a whole cake is terrific.
and, it's only like, half a regular-A* cake, too.
so you can have a little more right after.
oh, don't worry, bro. i did exactly that.
the secret to success in this recipe was vegan sour cream.
it's got that grammie jauns just exxxploding outwards into the essence of edible excellence.
real talk.
if you don't have tofutti vegan sour cream, go get some,
it's expert for coffee cake, and pancakes.
it might even be good on tacos, if you like that sort of thing,
but i don't usually eff with it like that.....
also, i had graham flour in place of 50% of the regular flour.
WOW, it added richness and depth and complexity in ways i'd only surmised could be true,
but my theories were prove right, and that tasted better than it felt.
i mean, being right is great, but eating something great is greater.
lemon zest?
of course.
that's how you make it authentic an' sh!t, b.
what else?
i'll tell you what else:
coconut cinnamon oatmeal whole wheat streusel, b!tches!
that's how really real NOvemberists do their thing.
believe it.
here's how i did what i did, in case you'd like to replicate it for yourselves:
preheat your oven to 365℉
in a medium-sized mixing bowl, cream together:
1 stick vegan butter (8T);
1/2 tsp salt;
1/4 cup brown sugar;
3/4 cup raw big crystal sugar;
1 tsp vanilla;
2 T lemon zest.
next stir in:
1 cup vegan sour cream.
and add all your dry bits together, next:
1 cup flour;
1 cup graham flour;
4 T tapioca flour;
2 tsp baking powder;
1 tsp bakey soda;
add 1/4 cup non-dairy milk, to really moisten up the mixture,
and thoroughly combine it all together.
spoon the batter generously into greased pans, and bake 'em for 25-35 minutes,
depending on how thick, and/or large you've decided to go.
you could make one big one.
you could make a lotta muffins,.
you could do whatever you wanted, and i would support you, because i'm good like that.
i will turn my back on you forever if you skimp out on the streusel.
that's real.
rules is rules, and coffee cake ain't worth nothin' without the crOmbles.
here's how that went down:

in your previously used, still unwashed coffeecake mixing bowl,
6 T vegan butter;
two handfuls old-fashioned thick rolled oats;
1 tsp vanilla;
1 handful shredded medium flake unsweetened unsulphured coconut;
1/2 cup powdered sugar;
1/3 cup whole wheat flour;
cinnamon and ginger.
cut it all in with a fork, until the whole mess is exxxactly like you like it.
you KNOW how you like it, too, don'tcha?
chunky, crumbly, bumpy, and nicey-nice.
you'll see.
put it all over the top like you're a gluttonous hedonist BEFORE you bake the whole thing,
and rejoice in your glorious results, neighbors.
yeah, that's the stuff.
i like writing about the food i make.
it's a good deal more rewarding than recounting the numerous dissatisfactions
that come from as-yet-incomplete overambitious long term plans.
that's no joke.
there simply aren't enough day-to-day reinforcements to make big smiles
appear from thinking about and discussing all the work i'm always doing.
food, however, is always instantly gratifying, satisfying,
and nourishing in ways that materialize in the short timeframe from concept to completion.
plus, then we get to EAT it, and that's dope.
i don't know if i've ever mentioned this (SIKE, i mention it every year)
but NOvember is an A*-hole.
it's least favorite one, i think.
april is pretty weak, and i don't love january,
but serioulsy, it's NOvember that takes the cake for being total crap.
and on the calendar there's only one good day all month.
oh, right,
veteran's/armistice day is great i'm sure;
what with it being 11/11 and all-
but i've worked every one of those for decades,
so i'm just sayin',
it's NOT a long weekend for me... not once, and not ever.
it's a long way from the first to fourth thursday, man.
and while it's great that we get to be fat and excessive as a culture
all together in unison on that one hungry thursday,
all the rest is still crinkly butthole (and, like, in a bad way).
it's got to be food that carries the day.
we've all GOT to eat to live, that's the biological imperative-
but i want that luxxxurious magic on my plate and in my mouth.
if i get just one true joy in my days, let it be heroic proportions and portions of food.
i  love it, and it keeps me alive in all the most literal and metaphoric ways;
never quiet, never soft.....

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