NICE DUMPS!!!

yoooooo!!!!!!!
who out there effs with dumps?
...on your face?!?!
...on my face?!?!
...for everybody???!!!!
oh, really?
well, you know who else gets exxxtra-sexxxy on the dump scene?
........it's me, kids.
yep.
i love-love-LOVE-LOVE-LOOOVE a good dumpling.
that's right.
and i'll never feel ashamed about it, either.
me and dumps go way back,
to my early years back in connecticut,
at house of chao, where the legendary dumplestiltskins were allotted in small doses
to provide just a tiny little baby bit for everybody,
which kept 'em all on tenterhooks for MORE.
mmhmmm.
these days, tho, i'm in charge of my own destiny,
and i'm determined never to go without an epic overabundance of dumplings,
whenever i so choose to indulge.
and last night, i determined that it was an absolutely necessary dumpling night.
uh-huh.
and when y'boi gets into the dumpling spirit,
the laws of Folk Life active participation come to the forefront from the jump.....
for example,
i had THREE kinds of dumplings.
i had THREE kinds of wrappers.
i had TWO kinds of mushrooms for hot and sour soup,.
and i had THREE techniques for preppin' all those diapers of dopeness.
WORD.
do me a quick favor, friends, and check the teleport:

DUUUUUUUUUUUUMPS ON OUR FACES!!!!!!
guys,
there's a LOT going on.
and all of it is F*ing expert.
that's no joke.
would you like to know more?
ok.
let's start with the standard-issue pouches of power:

fried brown rice and dual-sossamon sesame potstickers!!
what's in 'em?
*
half a block of exxtra-firm tofu;
1/2 minced onion;
with one small finely-diced yellow carrot;
1 tsp grated fresh ginger;
1 1/2 cups shredded brussels sprouts;
a heavy dash of three-spice mirchi seasoning;
2 cups chopped baby spinach;
GPOP, rice wine vinegar, black pepper, and tamari, all to taste,
fried up in a few tablespoons of sesame oil until it's all browned a bit.
-
and the wrappers?
*
1/2 cup brown rice flour;
1/2 cup + 2 T white flour;
salt;
two color sesame sprankles.
1/3 cup hot water.
kneaded up, rested, floured rolled,
and cut out in circles with the top of my special dumpling glass.
i got a glass, and i only use it for dumps.
rules is rules, bro- and that's my favorite part of my process.
DAS IT!!!
-
you fry 'em for a minute in toasted sesame oil,
then you dash 'em with a few tablespoons of seitan broth (or water, or whatever),
cover 'em until all the liquid is absorbed, and then you give all of '
em a little flippy-flip on the other sides, depending on how crisp you like your skins.
-
what?
oh, i know you also want to knowALL about the SAUCES
...there are two, naturally.
double sauce is the essence of the duality of our infinite natures.
or something like that.
*
sauce one:
2 T tamari;
2 T rice wine vinegar;
1 tsp sesame oil;
1 T agave;
Garlic Powder, Onion Powder;
dry ginger, dry mustard, black pepper;
fresh crushed garlic (2 small cloves);
fresh chopped scallion.
*
sauce two:
2 T sriracha;
1 tsp toasted sesame seeds;
1 tsp soy sauce;
1 tsp rice wine vinegar;
1 drop liquid smoke.
-
two sauces are essential.
one for lubing up the works,
and one for firing up a little spicy digestive activation.
trust me, or not, or try it for yourself,
but i think you'll find i know what i'm talking about.
***********
and what about those red oil jauns??!!?!
dudes!
y'all ain't ready.
but, you may wanna get ready.
seriously,
they had the FIRE:

C'MON!!!
what do you want to know?
the wrappers were easy...
-
1/2ish cup flour;
1/2 tsp sugar;
salt;
1/4 cup warm water.
-
the filling?
that was easy too:
1/2 cup ground homemade seitan, fried up in a spoonful of sesame oil,
with soy sauce, a handful of scallions, 2 cloves of thin sliced garlic,
a splash of rice vinegar, and black pepper.
simple, right?
right.
and then, after you fill 'em, fold 'em, fold their arms to make little dumpy cups,
you've got to steam 'em.
do you have a steamer?
no?
weird.
do you have a strainer and a pot and a lid?
then you DO have a steamer, it's just a sh!tty one.
these are actually rad on their own, but that's not nearly enough for me and mine
to fully enjoy the fat heap of hottness.
nope.
because the whole point of these is the red oil.
yuuuuuuuup.
and that's where the majesty and mystery and magic all dwell.
-
*
RED OIL SAUCE!!
heat up 1/3 cup vegetable oil with:
1 tsp hot paprika;
3 shakes of cayenne;
black pepper;
2 cloves crushed garlic;
4 tsp crushed red pepper flakes;
let it marinate off the heat for a bit,
and you'll have something exxxtra-especially awesome to drizzle on your dumps, dudes.
toss half of the sauce,
plus a handful of chopped cilantro, in a  tall-sided bowl with your steamy seitan scoops,
and roll 'em around until they're well-coated.
then, you're gonna add a little bit more flavor,
just because too much is the right amount,
dump the rest of that boomfire butt-lubin' lusciousness right on top,
and add some scallion sprankles, too.
NOW you're in business, brother.
this is what you need.
and it has all the best hot and spicy szechuan jauny-jauns for your mouth to masticate to.
true story.
***********
TSO-STYLE SHIITAKES??
who knew that was a thing?
i mean, i knew, naturaly.
that's not so surprising since i was the one making them.
but, they're reallly realllllly good.
mmhmmm.
and while that would've been it's own thing, and been outstanding at that,
it was just the activator for a whole mess of wondrously  regal tangy hot and sour soup stuff.
yup.
i don't half-step, because i'm not a half-stepper.
i do it to it, to eleven.
that's the way it has to be.
look at this bowlful of all the best stuff:

PORTABELLA MUSHROOM SOUP DUMPLINGS!!
wow!!!
*
the wrappers for the dumps are simple:
3/4 cup flour;
salt;
1/4 cup+1 T hot water.
kneaded hard and long, rested well, roled, cut, foldedm etc etc etc.
-
*
the filling is pretty straightforward, but very very deliciously hearty-
1 cup minced baby bella  mushrooms;
1 large crushed garlic clove;
1/4 cup minced carrot;
1/4 cup chopped onion;
sesame oil, black pepper, GPOP;
1/2 tsp crushed ginger;
1 cup diced pea shoots.
cook it down, hit it with a splash of reduced sodium soy sauce,
and chill it out.
-
i make my fillings in advance of any actual dumpling creation.
that's the key, really,.
cold fillings have had time to marinate their flavors,
and the temperature won't ruin the wrappers by being so hot that they soup up the dough.
it's the smart way to rock it out.
be smart.
make your fillings the night before, or at least in the morning....
-
*
the soup was so nice.
perfectly tart, definitely spicy, pleasantly flavorful.
and while not exactly a traditional version,
its a damned good version, and that counts for exxtra points, for certain.
-
in a medium-sized pot (2 quarts?)
heat up:
1 tablespoon of bouillon;
3 T chili-garlic paste;
1/3 cup cilantro;
1 stalk bias-sliced celery
1/4 cup diced onion;
3 cloves sliced garlic;
1 heaping tablespoon minced fresh ginger;
heat that for five or so minutes,
and add 5 cups water.
bring to a boil, reduce to a simmer,
and add:
4 T reduced-sodium soy sauce;
3 T sharp white vinegar.
2 BIG handfuls of baby spinach;
and all your dumplings.
by the time the spinach is wilted,
the dumplings will be cooked through
(under five minutes)
and the soup is ready for scooping.
i added mung bean sprouts and pea shoots to each bowl to sexxxify the appearance,
and add some crawnch,
before the triumphant angelic elevation of those shiitakes seized the reins
and brought the whole bow to heaven and beyond.
word up.
*
shiitake tso-tso good!!
-
1 1/2 cup uncooked shiitake strips,
sizzled in one tablespoon of sesame oil,
with the SAUCE in full F*ing effect-
-
2 T soy sauce;
2 T rice wine vinegar;
dried ginger;
2 T molasses;
2 tsp raw sugar;
GPOP;
1/2 tsp cayenne;
1 dollop of sriracha;
1 splish of sesame oil.
2 T water;
1 T organic non-GMO cornstarch.
slurried, splashed on top, and allowed to caramelize.
just. like. THAT.
now you're a genius, with massive levels of flavor exxxploding off the charts,
and into your mouth,
like some sort of futuristic savory savant-garde spicemeister .
*
i'm not saying you should do anything....
but, i'm subtly suggesting that a dumpling night of these proportions
could be the key to unlocking your full potential.
can you afford to risk it?
i know i couldn't.
and i'm glad i got involved in my dinnertime scene as hard as i did.
my whole body was nourished in ways that simply eating could not have provided.
lucky me.
plus i shared it with my people,
and that's just as important, really.
experiences that overlap and intersect form stronger bonds than the ones that run parallel.
that's essential interwoven tapestry of life sh!t right there.
who'd have guessed doo-doo dumpling diapers would be so
integral to lasting human interconnectedness?
i confess, i might've had some idea,
and orchestrated the event to strengthen a bond or three.
it's all really happening,
and i plan on making the most of every minute,
since way back, and from here on out;
never quiet, never soft.....