i mean, i get it...
pureed pumpkin is creamy.
but,
c'mon.
it's squishy, and it's soft, and it's mushy-ish.
dudes, it's NOT my favorite.
...nope.
but,
my daughter harvest is craaazy about it,
and i therefore i feel obligated to fire one up every thanksgiving holiday weekend,
just to show the kid that i care about her,
and accept and respect her poor pie preferences.
yup.
that's the right answer, and it's the one i chose again this time around.
it's a time for giving thanks,
and i'm pretty thankful for my kids, so i behaved accordingly.
what?
yes, i made a whole other 'nother different pie for maple, too.
what do you think i am?
some kind of a A*-hole?
jeez....take it easy.
there's no place for playing favorites among one's children.
there's no harm in playing favorites with pies however,
because they're not around long enough to hold grudges and blame you for sh!t.
even so,
i still hooked this little second place finisher up with all the hottness-
check the pumple-poop-type teleport:
WORD, THOUGH, BRO!
those deep fissures let you know that it's perfectly baked,
through and through,
for maxxximum toothsome texture
(a little firm, but still very submissive to those teeth, y'heard?)
yep.
that's IT.
and yeah, i freaked it off with those shortbread acorns.
really, i wasn't about to let it go onto the plate without some fresh-to-death accentuation, man,
you know that's not my style.
i need that nicey-nice.
i need that activated exxxtra stuff.
i need MORE.
....even on a blarpity pumpkin-A* pie.
rules is rules.
that's a half-oatmeal half-graham-cracker crOmble crust, too.
i just couldn't do all of one or the other.
it's against the doctrines dictated by my infinite nature.
-
at any rate,
if you'd like to know my recipe for pumpkin pie, or at least, this one, this year, for this pie-
here it is:
-
*
PUNK-A* PIE!
-
preheat your oven to 400℉
-
in your completely awesome food processor,
combine:
1 pkg graham craxxx;
1 cup rolled oats;
1 tsp vanilla;
4 T raw sugar (the big crystals)
1 tsp cinnamon;
-
pulse that into a crushed-up crumble, transfer it to a bowl
that doesn't have razor-laser-sharp blades in it, and add:
3 T melted earth balance butterish;
2-4 T non-dairy milk, stirred in one at a time, until the mixture is sticky, but not wet.
-boom-
that's your crust waiting to be pressed into a pie tin or pan.
-
now,
let's make that filling, kids-
-
in that same food processor, pulp up:
1 15 oz can pureed pumpkin;
1 block pressed and drained silken tofu;
1 T flour;
1/4 cup tapioca;
1/4 cup maple syrup;
1/4 cup molasses;
2 tsp vanilla;
1/4 cup powdered sugar;
cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, allspice, mace, and cloves, according to your tastes.
smootherize that into one sloppy plop-out,
and spread it onto your crust.
i didn't even prebake the crust this time,
i just let the whole thing run for like, 30 minutes, on convection,
turning it 180° halfway through the bake time.
...and it came out lookin' hella tight, no?
i know!
(i put the cookies on there immediately after baking it.)
-
don't eat it hot.
that's my numero uno tip.
body-temperature doodie-butter is what you get if you move in too quickly.
be patient, and everyone will be happier with the outcome.
uh-huh.
***********
so,
now we're here.
staring at the end of NOvember,
getting ready for the present-giving holiday season.
neighbors,
i'm the first to admit that i do not care one whit, nor a lick, a tick,
or even an iota, for the spirit of christmas.
nope.
i'm on that presents sh!t, son.
yuuuuuuup.
i know, i know-
it's commercialized,
it's capitalist,
it's avaricious,
it's materialistic......
but i hang out with that.
hard.
why?
because the tingly bell-jinglin' togetherness of the season has forever eluded me,
but presents are tangible.
yeah, man.
i go for the absolutes.
and i can absolutely represent of some well-wrapped thoughtful present presentation.
...and don't even get me started on stuffed stockings.
you start with exxxplosively excellent stocking stuff,
and turn it up to eleven from there
real talk-
i stress out super hard, every year, about doing it correctly,
because i am an avid adherent to the master mantra:
too much is the right amount.
everything else is cindy-lou-who loser stuff.
y'all can keep your 3x heart engorging,
but i'll be over here with the ribbons and the bows.
that's no joke.
we can thank all the fiercely false females who fooled my yuletide heart for that.
those death's head ghosts of christmases past sure left an indelible mark on my overall enjoyment.
the idea that i'd end up singing "fahoo fores dahoo dores"
after losing out on all the stuff i like most is insulting at best, and infuriating at the very least.
i LOVE XI-mas.
that's the truth.
and yet, for all the purpose-driven preparations i undetake,
i really HATE the imposition, i presume to be pressured and powered by poor people,
on 'feelings'.
lemme get those boxes and boughs, buddy.
i'll take real over feel every time;
never quiet, never soft.....
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