Saturday, January 5


LINZERTORTE is delicious.
vegan linzertorte is pure electric lightning fire for your tastebuds.
vegan gluten-free linzertorte is F*ing elite.
and mixed berry gluten-free vegan wizardry is almost more awesome
than any one human can realistically manage.
....and yet, that's exactly what i had going off in the morning, man.
when i need somethin' that goes to eleven, i turn on the creativity,
and i turn up the stove,
and then i let loose the busy berserker barbarian bakery big action business,
and this is what we all get to eat when i'm done:

snowflake winter linzer hottness, fresh from out of the oven, with fully-furious lovin'.
that's right.
holy sht is it ever a tasty lil treat!
the dough was made-up on the spot, but it worked wonderfully-
like, i was wondering if it would, and then it totally did-
here's that recipe, from memory:
in your perfectly purposeful food processor, add all together:
1 cup mama's almond flour blend;
1 cup bob's 1:1 rice-based all-purpose flour;
1/4 tsp salt;
1 tsp vanilla;
1 tsp almond extract;
1/4 cup brown sugar;
8 T ( 1 stick) vegan butter;
2 T raw sugar crystals;
3 T vegan creamchee';
1 tsp lemon zest;
2-4 T almond milk.
pulsed with a splash of the milk-
a little more s'milk each time, and a little longer of a pulse, too-
until you've got a crumbly, but sticky dough.
wrap it tight and refrigerate it for at LEAST an hour, longer is better-
rollin' pin time!
lay it out on parchment, with plastic over the top,
and with dusting of that bob's flour, and a sprankle of brown sugar-
rolled out to 1/4" thickness,
and place an appropriately-sized circle into, and up the edges of, a fluted tart pan.
obvi, i cut out a whole bunch of snowflakes to sexxxify the top, too-
i have all the snowflake cutters. i saw 'em, and i knew i'd need 'em sooner than later.
i LOVE being right.
btw, i had my oven pumping out convection heat at 375℉-
i s'pose that's relevant, huh?
the filling was also a triumph of made-up off-the-cuffery, kids:

in a non-stick pot, toss together:
1 1/2 cups frozen blueberries ( i had a mix of wild baby smalls and big fatties);
1 1/2 cups frozen raspberries;
1 tsp lemon zest;
1/3 cup powdered sugar;
1 tsp vanilla;
1/2 tsp lemon extract;
1/2 lemon's juice;
3 T vegan creamchee';
1 T non-GMO organic cornstarch.
heated over low flames/coils until all the way melted,
and stirred to combine the creamchee' and the starch-
turn the heat up to medium and stir it more, until it gets thick and tar-pit bubbly-
then y'gotta let it cool, fool.
but that's it.
simple. sweet. tart. flavorful. expert.
i think y'all ca guess the order of operations?
dough. filling. preheat. rolled out dough. filling filled in. topflakes.
and then: sprankles. mmmmm. MORE raw sugar and lemon zest jauns.
because too much is the right amount.
c'mon. is this your first day here?
rules is rules, and if you're gonna be bothered to do it,
you have to overdo it, or you may as well just buy a b!tch-sap one at the store.
get with it.
i baked the whole thing for about half an hour.
you'll know when it's done because the filling gets all set, and firm, and thiccc.
also, the gluten-free stuff never gets as browned as wheat-based stuff,
so you gotta kinda keep an eye on it.
it's no problem, and it came out SO flippin' tight.
i mean, the crust is crisp, the filling is fresh,
the sweet is just right. and the bitter gives it jussssssst the right bit of bite.
that's what we need, isn't it?
i thought so.
and now, y'all can get awesome with it at your house, too.
the funnest day of the week if you're a regular person.
or, if you're working the always shift like me?
it's the same as every other day, only with more ski-and-snow traffic on the roads.
i've got MORE tats on tats ready to go,
so it's a good day to be at AMPERSAND TATTOO.
on the ones,
it's been a great start to the year, and no matter what follows from here,
i'm grateful to have been granted the opportunity to do my thing at the very beginning.
i'm even making rock bloxxx.
gluten-free ones.
maybe that's good, maybe not, but we're gonna find out soon enough-
this is my last weekend being forty-two years old.
i'm over here just trying sh!t out, to see if it fits with forty-three or not-
discovery, neighbors.
that's what i'm on about;
never quiet, never soft.....

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