Saturday, October 8


i made a cake.
yeah, i make a lot of cakes;
often enough to say i'm kind of a cake baker.....
but right now, i mean, i made a cake.
and it's a pumpkin fudge cake,
and it is F*ing expert.
that's no joke.
i lubed up my bundt pan,
and i formed myself an ultra-moist, deep, dense, decadent dough-ring o-ring
of bundty butthole berserker barbarian big business.
check the teleport:

that's what's up!
it's really flippin' good,
and i'm really flippin' happy with the results of my effort.
you want to make one yourself?
well, i'll guide you the best that i can,
and give you the list of stuff to use and do, too.
preheat your oven to 350F.
have a bundt pan greased up.
take a half a cup of light brown sugar
and 3/4 cup of regular sugar,
a stick of vegan butter
2 tsp of vanilla
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup of smooshed pumpkin
and whisk that until it's all messed up together.
add a cup of non-dairy yogurt
2.5 cups of flour
1/3 cup tapioca (that's how you make the sh!t perfectly fudged up)
1.5 tsp each baking kapow and soda
cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, mace, allspice, and a little baby bit of clove
and then, once it's all whisking up,
if it looks too thick to blend?
add a splash of pretend milk to loosen it up.
it should be thick, kids.
like, dense.
the pumpkin and the yogurt are burly wet ingredients,
but if it seems clumpy, you gotta thin it out a bit.
i believe in you, and i trust you not to eff it up.
the absence of runniness in the batter made it bake up especially nicely,
and after about 33 minutes mine was done.
if you know what cake looks like when it's properly baked,
then you can check yours and make sure it actually is.
otherwise, you're probably screwed,
and maybe you shouldn't be baking right now, anyway.
c'mon, man, it's cool.
i made some pretty sexxxy caramel,
with brown sugar, and powdered sugar, and a big pat of butterish,
and a splash of coconut creamer.
with a tablespoon of flour and a splash of vanilla.
y'ever make caramel?
you basically barely stir all that,
while it begins to bubble along at medium heat,
and for about a minute you wonder if you're ruining it,
and then,
you turn off the heat, let it take it easy for a other 'nother minute,
and drizzle that jaun all over the cake, or ice cream, or whatever the heck you want/.
word up.
i did that,
but not before i kapowdered the butthole a baby bit first,
and then,
because too much is the right amount,
i also added a second drizz!
cinnamon sugar icing expertism is in full effect over here.
i doo-doo that DOUBLE-DRIZZLE all over daddy's house!!!
if you know, you know.
....and if you don't, you're most likely better off for your ignorance.
i F* with cake pretty heavy in the 'hood.
that's real.
the woodsly goodness is a hell of place to be in the autumn times.
new england has it's own octobery hallowe'en magic,
and it easily bests all other areas.
we've got that good-good,
and seasonally appropriate site-specific treats are the precise accompaniment
that really turns the season up to eleven.
i'm grateful for the fall feels,
i'm grateful for the family togetherness of this weekend,
i'm grateful for the time i have been given,
and for the gift of creativity,
that let me make these moments so much more delicious.
it's ALL really happening,
but some of it happens a whole lot harder than the rest;
never quiet, never soft.....

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