BIG B!

do you like waffles?
YES, we like waffles!
and oatmeal?
that's pretty good stuff- hearty, healthy, burly great northern woodsly lumberman food.
and together?
y'know, as in: oatmeal waffles...
THAT's expert all the way to eleven.
dudes!
breakfast is awesome.
that's a fact.
also, cute foods are awesome.
not because they taste any different with your eyes closed,
but because they taste so much more adorably better with your eyes OPEN.
ha!
i have a miniature waffle maker, neighbors.
and i make miniature waffles when i need a little something exxxtra on my plate.
they're smaller than the frozen ones, i think.
it's been so long, i'm just assuming.
i could search the internet for the diameter of a frozen waffle,
but i prefer to just think of my special homemade minis as especially dainty,
in addition to being impossibly crispy, soft-centered, and delicious.
mmhmmm
so i have my minis, made with oatmeal,
and i have my real new hampshire maple syrup,
and just like that, i'm the mutha-effing champion of the morning.
......then i add a bunch of other other stuff,
because too much is the right amount,
and i'm not about to just take it easy like a little doodiebutt baby.
guys!!
look at the morning glory i've got going on:

THAT'S THAT BREKKIE IN FULL EFFECKKIE!
yeah!!
tofu scrambo with hemp hearts, fried tomatoes, and scallion sprankles!!
rule is rules, fools.
y'gotta have that scamborghini if you want to have a good morning.
-
a tablespoon of minced onion, half a block of xxxtra-firm tofu,
a teaspoon or more of Garlic Powder and Onion Powder,
pink salt, black pepper, a scoop of nutritional yeast,
a shake-a-shake-a of turmeric, and just a dash of smoked paprika-
all of that, in a medium-hot pan, with a drizzle of olive oil,
and a little stirring, will have you well-sorted on some eggless excellence.
it's one of the best breakfast bits, in my opinion.
and with those pan-blackened lighlty-oiled halved sweet small tomatoes?
that's good for you.
and of course, the hemp hearts, just to give it all those eagle's egg-style nutrients,
for maximum luchador liberty, man.
mmmhmmmmm.
-
i roasted the hell out of those red-skinned new new potatoes.
they were crispy before i put 'em in the pan,
with a handful of minced onion,
and activatedthem with a few glugs of olive oil,
a lotta GPOP, a hard 'n; heavy shot of smoked paprika,
many coarse-ground craxxx of black pepper,
and a whole mess of red hot louisiana pepper sauce.
YOU AREN'T EVEN A PERSON IF YOU DON'T LIKE THAT!!
-
you like the cabbage and clementine garnish?
oh my darlin' do i ever eff with those satusmas pretty heavy!
bro, a little citrus never threw a curve that caused scurvy, if you know what i mean.
word up.
-
those waffles though.
friends,
i think i want you to come over for waffles with me, please.
i'll give you the recipe, but only if you share some with me.
deal?
deal.
here you go:
-
*
 OATMEAL WAFFZ!
-
let your oven heat up to 200℉ ,to keep all the waffles warm, of course-
conversely, you could turn your oven DOWN from 400
if you've just roasted some crucial morning homeboyfries
-
in a smaller mixing bowl, combine:
1/2 tsp salt;
1 cup flour;
1 cup whole rolled thick oats;
4 T melted vegan butter;
3 T sugar;
1 tsp bakey powpow;
1 tsp bakey soda;
2 T vegan sour cream;
1 cup non-dairy milk.
^ whisk it, and let it rest for as long as you can....
-
heat up your waffle iron (they light up these days)
and make some waffles.
that's a big scoop in the center of the iron, and some time.
if you use an excessively large spoon to do it,
you'll get blarpity bleedover-
if you use a little-itty-bitty one, you get stoopid-lookin' non-circles.
i trust you'll figure it out.
if not,
you ge what you ge, and that's on you, boo.
on a personal note-
i prefer mine brownish, more so than a gentle beige.
the crunch on one of these dented pancakes is priceless, after all.
when you've got all your batter transformed into finished waffles,
hit 'em with that REAL sh!t.
if you're using that imitation jauns,
a.k.a. tricky liar brown corn breakfast-flavored syrup,
the i do declare that i think you're a F*ing piece of sh!t,
and i hope you wake up someday and realize you've been wasting your life
with that inferior garbage,
come to your senses,
and join all of us worth-a-damn duders at the big kids table,
where we celebrate the woodsly goodsly tree-juice activation,
like druids from the imperfect-past-particulate future.
word up.
***********
in other less appetizing news,
immediately after breakfast,
all there is going on around here these days are the hardest styles.
for real.
it's all really happening.
like,
it's a snow day, where anything could happen, but it won't.
it's cold AF, but sunny in a snow-blind rod-hazardous way...
oh,
and to add a degree of doo-doo buttery sleeplessness to the weekend,
crabtree exxxploded his A*hole with some sharkbite swallow-whole mayhem.
yup.
there was vomit and liquified butt lava EVERYWHERE!
the little imbecile will choke down logs,
rocks,
strange bones from the woods,
styrafoam,
and so on,
all in a hoovering super-sucker shark-gluttonous suicidal search-and-self-destruct effort
to die in a blistering azzblazztin' blaze of effluvium and excrement,
all while inflicting maximum stress and filth and expense on his handler.
...thanks buddy.
so,
there's slippery snow,
and icy hills ahead,
but we'll be peppering them with poop at irregular but frequent intervals
for the remainder of the morning...
i'll be you're totally in the mood for waffles now aren't you.
true stories are more often tha not pretty F*ing gross.
that's the price of honesty, in a weird twist of the plot.
if you report on nothing but bullsh!t, it's all rosy fake flowers,
but when you tell the truth, it's usually covered in filth.
this is it, kids.
the manure of fertile language, unfolding, or dribbling,
from the whole thing, out of most holes.
yuck;
never quiet, never soft.....