Wednesday, December 6


krampus seems pretty cool.
all that stuffing of bad kids into a sack,
and givin' out a beatin' with a birch broom,
and taking those little sh!ts to hell for a year or somethin'.....
here's the thing-
i'm a dear sweet boy, 
and so is my little pup,
so we're relatively safe from the snatch-and-grab antics 
of santa's bound-and-compelled demonic enforcer-
...but damn, duders,
those proto-germanics sure knew how to take it too far,
which is good, because too much is the right amount.
and in the taking-it-to-eleven spirit of the day,
i made some everything-all-at-once-cookies to celebrate.
i did.
after all, rules is rules, and a cookie is worth a thousand cheers.
all the ingredients in one spot, and al the flavors positively bursting from every angle.
y'wanna see what's up?
good thing, because here's that revelatory teleport:
what sort of satanic sorcery is stuffed inside of these diabolical delights?
ALL of it!
i hooked 'em way up with so many textures, and so many flavors, and then, 
i turned it around, and iced 'em up top, too.
oh, i know.
the tableau with the baby feet and the chains and brooms......
what can i say?
i'm a F*ing nerd, bro.
but don't be hatin' on my indulgences, or you can't share these cookies with me. 
that's real.
i feel like y'all need to know more about these amazing bloxxx of hottness,
so i'm going to early XI-mas you with the recipe, right now:
preheat your oven to 375℉
in a medium mixin' bowl, smash together:
1 cup sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
1/2 cup medium flake coconut;
8 T (1 stick) earth balance superior butterish goodness;
2 tsp vanilla.
once combined,
stir in:
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce;
2/3 cup chopped cranberries;
1/2 cup rolled oats;
3 T toasted flax seeds;
2/3 cup chocolate chips;
1/2 cup chopped roasted peanuts.
give it a decent mix-up ,
and then fold in:
1 1/2 cups flour;
1/2 cup oat flour;
1 tsp ea. bakey powder and soda.
take that dough, and dollop out a golf-ball sized blop, over and over, 
onto two baking trays evenly spaced, where they'll bake for 13 minutes in a row.
remove 'e from the oven, let 'em cool for a bit on the trays, transfer them to a rack,
and mix up some icing.
icing is key here.
that's the truth.
4 tsp cocoa;
1/2 cup powdered sugar;
non-dairy milk splashed on in.
what you get is a thick fudgsicle-flavored spread, 
just dying to get dosed with some bright white coconut sprankles.
that's it.
simple as anything, but tasting better than everything.
just like that.
i've been watching the most interestingly horrifying youtube channels.
that's right.
in between appointments at AMPERSAND TATTOO,
we've been tuning in to white dudes living and eating in chengdu, china.
turns out, there's more than one,
and they're very different,
but all somewhat uncool.
here's something you might not know about the thousand of restaurants in that city:
they use a LOT of dead body parts, covered in red oil.
so, mainly, we watch slightly irritating resident-travelers eat slimy spicy organs and sh!t.
i don't know why.
i mean,
i'm NOT trying to get down on some of those boiled pig intestines, 
or bony whole fish buttholes or whatever.
i s'pose i'm just psyched on all that spicy, oily, sichuan boomfire.
that stuff looks rad AF.
andwith enough heat, it must be much easier not to think about 
the fermented lamb urethra, or whatever the F*else is lurking underneath the chilis.
the stuff that these dudes are gobbling up is just another 'nother reason for eating at home,
with the ingredients that constitute a health-supportive, nutritive, 
nuanced and compassionate diet..
yet i'm still watching the charnel horror of these cultural explorations.
call it morbid curiosity, 
call it vegan re-up affirmation, 
call it the creepy-crawly heebie-flippin'-jeebies,
but we've seen a LOT of 'em at this point......
and there's still plenty more where those came from.
i can't stop, but i'm more entrenched in veganism with every episode.
that's no joke.
i try not to be limited in my worldview,
but i have an instinctual repulsion of stinky animal chunks.
i'm guess i'm just delicate like that;
never quiet, never soft.....

1 comment:

Beznarf27 said...

I think my dog Earl is likely to be shoved in a sack and given the old once over by Krampus and his birch broom. I doubt Krampus will come out on top though as Earl always has a way of bouncing back. I might leave some Krampus cookies out for him as some kind of recompense for forcing him to navigate his hairy hocks all the way over to Tasmania Australia in the heat of summer just to try to stuff an uncooperative hound into his whacking sack. Cheers for the delish looking cookies. I think Krampus would be most happy with them.