DIRTY WAFFLES!!

when it's time to do chik'n 'n' waffles-
which, admittedly isn't all that often...
but, when the time does comes 'round the outside like a buffalo girl,
and the urge has been seeded, and sprouted,
and has taken on a life of it's own-
a raging rampaging savage stormswept singularly-purposeful urging life, actually;
which cannot, will not, and honestly should not ever be deterred
from reaching it's omega-level potential...
well, once THAT sort of thing gets started,
you'd better believe i'm gonna get ON it, get after it, get with it, and get it IN, neighbors.
yup.
what choice do i have?
haven't you seen jurassic park?
life finds a way, guys,
admittedly, that's a weird way to look at the notion of making chik'n 'n' waffles,
but, i mean,
c'mon,
don't be ordinary, and don't be boring.
we get a choice in this moment, kids-
are we mincey, minky, stinky stale d!ckturds,
or are we barbarian battle-bards creating sagas out of grains and greens?
i know which side of the line I'M on, i just hope you're standing next to me on this journey.
so, what is it we're on about?
oh, right.
because it's NOT chicken.
it's country-fried seitan.
but, it's also savory cornbread waffles;
and it's thick, rich, slippery homemade mutha-effing gravy;
and there's fried-garlic-activated greens beneath,
and caramelized onions above,
as well as parsley sprankles to let you know this sht is not some little kids' game...
don't you come at me with a frozen toaster waffle and some gardein, bro.
i'm on the homemade from-scratch boomfire-inspired hottness over here.
i know, i know, for some of you, that's a LOT to handle,
but that's just the way we like it here at the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress.
word up.
standard operations require we create the best meal to the best of our ability.
i'm sayin', why would you subject yourself to the weak sauce when there's
so much superior sustenance waiting for you to create it with your own two capable claws?
that's real talk.
also, it's real F*ing expert.
see for yourself, by checking the teleport:

YOU AIN'T READY, SON!
no, for realsies, you better brace yourself,
because there's a close-up comin' correct on the come-up, kid:

kaBOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!
that's that sexxxy-sexxx.
my man travis, a.k.a @vegan_magic_time made a batch of this,
and it reminded me that i was past due for a dose of this dirty dirtiness myself.
mmmmmhmmmmm.
we do it a bit differently, but the feeling is the same.
y'ever mess around with fried garlic and oil?
no?
that's weird as heck, man, seriously.
here's the thing- greens are great, but garlic-activated greens are the best!
honestly, it's hot olive oil, and a heap of crushed garlic, toasted a bit,
tossed with a big ol' bushel of deep-green leafies (in this instance baby kale),
wilted with just a spoonful of water, or broth, and a dash of salt.
do it. it'll make you a better person.
and that gravy?
gravy is essential to this dish.
i guess traditionally, chicken and waffles are two separate plates?
like, a leg of fried dead chicken,
and a plate with a waffle with (probably not real maple) syrup.
ummmm, that's lame.
THIS sh!t right here though, is genius.
and that's a line delivered without a hint of hubris, friends.
gravy is pretty easy, too-
-
*
EASY HOMEMADE VEGAN GRAVY!
-
in a small sauce pot,
toast up 4 T flour, and 3 T vegan (earth balance) butter.
brown it a bit, but don't burn it.
congrats, that's a roux.
you can save it, OR you can be cool, and make gravy with it right now.
you're cool?
cool.
add:
2 cups vegetable broth,
a punch of nutritional yeast, a shake of GPOP,
and stir it on highish heat until it's hella thick, and doubly awesome.
-
gravy makes you smarter, probably.
so, like, be smart.
***********
the seitan?
well, since we've covered the recipe a billion times in the past, i'll say this:
it's right here.
ok?
ok.
now, crush up a big handful of cornflakes,
and toss 'em in with a scoop of cornstarch,
a dash of  cayenne,
a lotta craxxx of black pepper,
a little bitty bit of salt,
a tablespoon of flour, GPOP, nootch, sage, smoked paprika, and a lil' pinch of parsley.
you can do that, because it's so easy, ANYbody can do it;
and you're not just anybody,
you're the big body making sexxxy seitan for yourself.
that's something.
this'll coat at least seven slabs of whole-steak seitan, with a bit left over,
but MORE is better than less, forever.
next step?
fry those baddies up in a pat of buttery butts, and maybe add a little oil after you flip 'em once.
how long? how high of heat? man, i dunno.
until they're crispy.
until they're golden.
before they burn.
not so low that they soak up all the grease.
dudes,
i'm counting on YOU to know your stove, and cater to your own preferences.
this is very simply a skeleton for you to flesh out.
i believe in you.
***********
hey-yo-
those waffles are some kind of hottness, though.
on the ones, if you have not had a savory succulent crisp-rimmed cornbread waffle,
you may be about to lose your whole entire mind as the truths of waffle potential
are revealed unto you in an explosion of life-changing horizon-widening expertism.
that's no joke.
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*
CORNBREAD WAFFLES!!!
-
heat up your waffle iron, buddy.
-
in a mixing bowl, sift together:
1 cup flour;
1/2 cup cornmeal;
2 T coarse corn grits (a.k.a uncooked polenta);
salt;
black pepper, cayenne, sage, thyme, GPOP, nootch;
3 T melted non-dairy butter or oil;
3 T vegan sour cream (optional, but so awesome);
1 cup non-dairy milk.
whisk it, rest it, and waffle it, man.
they get pretty crispy, which is great,
and they are very flippin' hearty, which is even greater.
you haven't lived until you've freaked it off like this, friends.
y'ever caramelize an onion?
mmmmmm.
they're super delicious, right?
well, just wait until you combine that with the toothsome texture of those waffles,
and the juicy-interior and crunchy-crisp hottness of that seitan,
mixed on your fork with a few leaves of that garlicky kale,
all smothered in rich, rewardingly righteous graaaaaaaaaaaaaaavy!!!
that's so much food, and so many complimentary flavors,
and an overwhelming onslaught of super-fattening hapening right inside your head,
and bellyhole....
making it's way to b-hole, eventually,
stopping off to expand your waistline into a corpulent wastelands while en route.
hahahahhaa.
yep.
too much is the right amount,
but it carries a heavy pricetag when you're taking down a couple waffles,
and a trio of seitanic chix, and a heap of everything else as well.
don't worry.
it's worth it.
i promise.
as soon as you take the first bite,
you'll order a pair of bigger pants,
and the problem will have solved itself.
*
negative fahrenheit degrees.
every damned day i wake up to less than no degrees.
for the record:
too little is the wrong amount.
and that's probably why i'm trying to fatten up.
when it's that cold outside,
the oldness and the bustedness and the draftiness of my dilapidated domain
really seem to be in the spotlight.
yeah.
it's cold INside, which is not my favorite.
this year feels frostier than the past few before it,
and i'm wondering if the secret  universal plan isn't maybe toughening me up
for some even bigger, badder, calamitous trial in the future?
do you believe that some people are just designed to endure, rather than flourish?
do you think that good fortune really is wasted on good storytellers?
would you like to at least let me try to tell a good story about good tidings?
no
just more about food and how to make it?
fair enough.
i'll just shiver my timbers, bundle up in another 'nother layer of fleece-lined insulation,
and snap off one of my blackened frostbitten toes,
to use as a stirrer, while i whip up a pot of something or other for your enjoyment...
this is it.
it's all really happening.
reverse pyrolysis to an extent that defies all the hot fire coming out of my kitchen.
i'm enduring, i'm continuing,
but, considering there's no more waffles,
i'm NOT enjoying myself;
never quiet, never soft.....