SMOOOOOOOTH!

oh, man!
so,
it's been colder than usual.
that's real.
and crabtree, the dog, has been a true dramatic diaper baby about it.
yup.
whenever the temperature drops below freezing, he starts to get a little whinier,
and walk a little more stubbornly, and slowly, through the trudged trenches i trod,
to give him less of a snowy body at the expense of my feet and legs.
kicking feet of snow, for hundreds of yards, in a path-making effort
to protect your chilly little dumb dog feels terrible, even if it's kind of a nice gesture....
i mean, he certainly doesn't appreciate it, but he's an even bigger baby without a path.
uh-huh.
so, every morning, i have a sweaty-as-heck despite the actual temperature
being completely frigidly arctic,
as i drag sixty-something pounds of reluctant powerhouse terrier protestation
through the valleys, and over the hills, just so he ca stretch his legs,
and poop out a froyo snow-cone somewhere in a distant, but-nearby snowbank.
it's glamorous, i know.it's also how real life works.
-
i have a dog.
he is a jerk, mostly.
we are the same.
i don't give up, neither does he, we are at odds forever.
-
that's how it goes, bros.
lucky for us, there's always treats to salve the wounds inflicted circumstance.
purpose is greater than responsibility.
i mean it.
i have a purpose, and i have responsibilities.
i'll bet you can guess which one is more rewarding
mmmhmmm.
my purpose is to make elite treats.
and i'm a purposeful worker, working with purpose, on purpose.
to that end, lemme ask you:
y'ever eat something so freakin' good that nothing else matters much while it's around?
like, i know there's a nother 'nother couple 2-3 slices' worth of creme pie in the fridge,
and the single digit temperatures (in fahrenheit) and the cranky peepants dog,
and the dearth of dope tattbombs on the docket,
AND the still-dark-out deliveries i've gotta drop off,
AND the XI-mas mayhem i've yet to determine
ALLLLL DON'T MATTER AS MUCH AS HOW DELICIOUS THIS PIE IS.
that's real talk.
and this is what i'm speakin' on:

CHOCOLATE ON CHOCOLATE ON CHOCOLATE ON CHOCOLATE!!!!
woooooooord!!
dudes, this is IT.
graham crackery cocoa and cacao crOmble crust!
deep cocoa-ground chocolate frosting!
smooooooooth chocolate creme!!!
cacao nib and snowflake sprankles!!!
too much is the right amount.
heck yes.
all you've gotta do to have this for yourself is follow a few simple steps.
would you like to know what they are?
you would?!
ok.
do it like THIS:
-
*
CHOCOCREME PIEEEEE!!
-
*the crucial crumb crust*
in your trusty food processor, combine:
1 1/2 pkgs graham crackers;
2 T sugar;
2 T cacao nibs;
3 T cocoa powder.
if you don't have a food processor, then step one is actually: get a food processor.
pulse all that until it's all crushed with no big bits, and transfer it to a mixing bowl-
next, in a very small pot, melt 3 T vegan butter.
add the butter, and 2-4 T non-dairy milk to the cracker mix, and smoosh it all around
until it holds together when pressed.......then press it into a pie pan,
and bake it, at 350℉ for 11 minutes...
ummmm,
yeah.
now you're definitely going to need something expert to put in there.
-
*the sublime filling*
in a small sauce pot, on low heat, melt:
1 tsp vanilla;
10 oz vegan chocolate chips;
3 T soymilk;
stir and melt 'em up, and add the whole mass to your food processor.
-
anyway, combined with 2 T tapioca;
and 1 T non-GMO organic cornstarch;
and 1 12oz block  pressed silken tofu,
you're in business.
blend everything up until it's super-creamy.
scrape the sides if you must, but get every last drop of that gooey goodness involved.
when that's all blended up, and uniformly brown and awesome,
spoon it into the crust, and let it chilllllllll out for a few hours.
i added the spranks and the nibs at this point, and they sunk in just a tad,
which was really just sort of a nice touch.
guys!
i didn't stop there, though.
nope.
no way.
i know what's good for me, and it is always to have a little MORE of everything.
that's right.
and therefore, i HAD to activate that chocolate frosting, too.
mmmmmmmm.
3 T vegan butter,
4 T cocoa;
2 T ground chocolate bar;
1/2 tsp vanilla;
a pinch of salt;
1 1/2 cups powdered sugar;
splashes and splishes, roughly 4 T? of non-dairy milk,
and my trusty stand mixer, all working in conjunction
to turn this magnificent mutha-b!tch way up and off the charts.
YUM.
if you haven't ever had one of these,
stop what you're doing, assemble the ingredients,
and improve your life with a fresh-made from-scratch batch of brutally amazing,
and diabolically delightful dopeness for your F*ing face.
that's all there is to it.
you need it, and you can have it.
it made my morning better,
it made my night better,
and it's about to make my morning better again.
it's all really happening, and without this creamy dream,
i imagine it'd be a bleak pit of hopelessness and obligation.
lucky for me i've got a third of it waiting like a crisis intervention helpline
made of soy and cocoa.
that's all i need, which is good, because that's all i've got;
never quiet, never soft.....